Jessica didn't know quite how it had all began, but she knew how it had ended - her over her Daddy's knee, her bottom pink and getting hotter as each moment passed.

SPLATT!!! SPLATTT!! SPLATT!!!! The belt landed on her tender bottom over and over. She tried to kick her legs but they were hopelessly pinned under Daddy's leg. One of his hands held both her arms pinned over her back so that she couldn't even reach back to try and protect her bottom.

"Do you think your attitude helps anybody young lady?" The belt fell again, punctuating the question.

"No Sir," she answered, full of remorse for everything that had unfolded in the past few hours.

"Good. I'm glad you are starting to understand." The caring was obvious despite the stern tone in his voice, and this just made Jessica feel even worse. 

SPLATT! SPLATT! SPLATT!! The heat from the belt was starting to feel like a fire was burning in Jessica's bottom. She was starting to worry about how she could take anymore. The spanking just hurt so so much. Then she felt her hands and legs being released and Daddy's hand on her arm.

He gripped her arm tightly as he stood up, forcing her to her feet as well, then he marched her over to the corner and put her nose firmly in the corner. For emphasis, he grabbed a hair ribbon that she had neglected to pick up the other day, and tied it around her wrists. She felt each end of the ribbon being placed in her fingers, and struggled to not pull on them.

"That ribbon is tied in a bow. If you pull on either of the ends I placed in your fingers, it will come undone and your wrists will be free. I expect you to not pull on those ends - your hands are to remain tied behind your back until your time is up. If you cannot obey this simple order, then there will be even worse consequences awaiting you when your time ends. Do you understand young lady?"

Jessica could tell by the tone in her Daddy's voice just how serious he was. "Yes Sir, I understand Sir." She tried to keep her voice calm, not wanting to betray the panic she was secretly feeling inside. 

Standing in the corner had always been hard for Jessica. The lack of movement, the enclosure, the lack of things to look at combined with the way time seemed to quit moving all made her feel anxious when she was placed in the corner. She understood why her Daddy used it - she had to truly submit to stand in the corner obediently, plus she ended up thinking on the reason she was in the corner in the first place. At times it was possibly the only way to get her to focus on exactly what she had done wrong.

But her hands being tied was a new experience for her. The fact that they were tied in a way that she could easily release herself from made her know that it was important for her to obey. She knew that if she did release herself, she was likely to get spanked longer and harder and perhaps the spanking would start all over - and she didn't want that.

The tips of the ribbon were smooth in her fingers and as time passed and Jessica's mind wandered a little, the texture of the ribbon caught her attention. She tried to remind herself that she shouldn't even play with the tips of the ribbon just in case it made the bow come out, and she didn't know how tightly it was tied to begin with - but it was difficult to do. Her mind drifted more and before she knew it, she was trying to see if the end of the ribbon was long enough to wrap around one of her fingers.

Her thoughts about the ribbon were abruptly interrupted when she felt it slip off her wrists. She gasped, afraid of what was going to happen - she hadn't meant for it to fall off, she just hadn't been able to stop herself from fiddling with the ends.

Daddy was there in an instant. He grabbed her by the hair and led her to the kitchen where he pushed her over the edge of the table.

"Please Daddy, please. It was just an accident Sir. I wasn't trying to undo it. I didn't know it would come undone so easily. Please Sir? Please - just tie it back on and I'll start my time over? I promise I won't let it come off this time?"

CRACCCKKKK! A solid swat from the paddle was the only answer she received.  CRACCKKK! It fell again in the same place as before and Jessica squealed in pain. CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK!!! Over and over and over it fell without a break or a single word from Daddy, and then it stopped.

He pulled her up from the table, still gripping her hair, and turned her to face him.

"I know how much you like ribbons. I know that you didn't mean to undo that ribbon. But that ribbon was an exercise in self control. I needed you to feel that I controlled what you could and could not do. And you failed to accept that control. For that, little one, you must be punished. I wish it wasn't so, but you must learn this lesson, accept it as truth, and live without questioning it or doubting it.

He tugged on her hair in a way that was strong enough to make her follow him but not strong enough to hurt. "Follow me."

Jessica followed as she was led down the hallway towards "the room." She had never been inside that room - had only been warned that she should never go in to it without being told to and that she would regret the day she had reason to see the inside of it.

Daddy opened the door and Jessica gasped as she caught her first glimpse in to the room.

A polished wood spanking bench was in the center of the room. The top of each level being padded with a pillow being built in to the area where her hips would obviously sit. On each of the smaller platforms, a wide leather restraint was open. The leg supports had an additional restraint built in to hold her thighs in place, and a wide leather belt lay in the middle of the center platform - presumably to cinch around her waist. 

On the wall directly in front of her a series of straps and paddles hung. Each one looked like it was severe enough to make her not sit for a week. There were leather straps, rubber straps, straps with holes in them, straps that appeared to be thick and heavy, and a few straps that appeared to be belts that had had a handle permanently attached to them to make them easier to swing. To the right of all the straps hung so many paddles in so many different sizes and thicknesses that she found herself closing her eyes, not even wanting to imagine what was in store for her.

Daddy pushed her over the bench and immediately cinched the belt tight around her waist. He slid the pillow so that it was in the perfect position under her hips to expose her bum so that it was tight and firm, then he got to work fastening the thigh, ankle, and wrist restraints. He finished off by placing a small leather restraint around her neck that would prevent her from raising her head to try and see things, then he pulled a blindfold over her eyes.

Jessica instantly started to cry. She had never been restrained this way before, and had never seen such scary looking implements. This room was indeed a place she wished she had never visited, and her spanking hadn't even started.

Daddy's hand rested on her shoulder and he spoke softly to her. "My sweet girl, you must learn to not fight yourself. You must learn to not sabotage yourself. You must learn to lean on my strength at the times that you feel conflict, and to allow me to lead you through the times where you're not sure what to do. You must accept that as surely as these restraints have you physically held in place, my arms and love and care also hold you in place. I am sorry that you have to experience this today. It is tough on both of us - I truly hate to see you cry and suffer. But this is what's best for you. This is what you need to grow and thrive and it is my job to see that you have the things you need to be happy and content."

She choked back her sobs, a strange mix of fear, trust, and acceptance gripping her. The complete lack of physical control of her body terrified her, and yet there was something that thrilled her about having absolutely no control. Her bottom ached from the spanking she had already received, and she found herself terrified of more to come, but she heard the care in her Daddy's voice and knew that he was doing this out of love. She knew that he had seen the struggle she was having inside herself, and had decided to address it in a way she would remember for a long time to come. And while she hated the thought, she knew in her heart that he was right and as usual knew exactly what she needed.

The bumping of wood and rustling of straps brought her out of her thoughts and she just listened, waiting to see what was going to happen.

SPLATTT!!! A thick heavy strap fell before she had time to realize that Daddy was back beside her. Her bottom instantly throbbed and she choked back tears. 3 more times it fell, each swing overlapping the previous one by a little bit and making her bottom throb more and more.

"What do you have to say young lady?"

The words spilled out of her mouth in desparation. "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry for not obeying. I'm sorry for my attitude. I'm sorry for not trusting in you and leaning on you when I was struggling the most with myself." She cried harder as she heard her own words spill out, then she felt Daddy's hand firmly rubbing her bottom.

"I know you're sorry sweetheart, and all is forgiven. Now you must finish your spanking like a good girl. You must trust that I will not give you more than what you can actually take. I love you very much my precious little one, and I do not want to have to return to this room anytime soon. I want you to remember today long enough that we maybe never have to come back here again."

"Yes Sir." Jessica choked back tears, finally relaxing and accepting what was to come. Her sore bottom would remind her of all that she had learned. She would take the rest of her spanking like the good girl that she was and she would remember that her Daddy had all control as long as she gave it to him. And she wanted him to have it. It was the natural and right way for things to be.

Daddy moved on to the paddle and paddled her soundly, then he released her restraints and scooped her up in his arms, carrying her to her room where he laid her on her soft pink blanket. He sat beside her, stroking her hair and rubbing her back soothingly, and she looked up at him with her big brown eyes.

"Thank you Daddy. Thank you for caring enough to help me get back in to the place that is best for me. The place where I am happiest and all is easy in the world. I love you Daddy."

"I love you too little one."

His words wrapped around her like a comforting blanket and despite her aching bum, she drifted off to sleep. She was loved and held tight, and she could never ask for anything more than that.

Eureka

Ever have a moment where everything just all the sudden seems to fall in to place? A moment where all your questions, all your thoughts and fears and struggles just all of the sudden vanished because of something you figured out?

I had a moment like that last night. A moment that has settled me and made me calmer in a deeper way than I've been in a very long time. It was a realization that truly changed my perspective and let me release the struggles and confusion that I've been trying to figure out.

I talk a lot about testing - about needing to know there are limit and sometimes just needing to be reminded that the walls are there. Sometimes I need to reach out and touch them and get reprimanded just to know that they're there - and sometimes I truly push hard to see and feel them.

I guess I've been in that mode more often lately - looking for firmness and correction just so that I knew the walls were there. But in all my testing and confusion and searching, I failed to see that I was lost inside myself more than anything. It wasn't that rules had changed or enforcement had changed - it was that I just wasn't "feeling" it the same way.

So fast forward to last night where I all the sudden realized that the spanking hiatus was about me being able to feel D's gentle guidance and accept his strength through gentleness rather than looking towards spankings to help keep me settled. I realized that I'd been using spankings to try and stay settled and that while a spanking could certainly be a motivator or the impetus for change, it couldn't be a method of staying there - staying settled had to come from within me.

I did a lot of thinking around this topic. D was online and we chatted a lot - I did most of the talking mind you - when I start to piece things together I can be rather prolific in the amount I say in a very short amount of time, lol - but he listened intently with an open mind. That's something I've always appreciated about him - he doesn't jump to a conclusion based on the first sentence, he waits until I've said everything I need to say before making judgement. Sometimes of course he'll cut me short if I get in to a circular thought or I'm re-hashing something or it's otherwise not beneficial to let me continue - but when I'm exploring and figuring things out, he is supportive and helps me figure things out.

In the midst of everything last night, I all the sudden realized the piece of the puzzle I'd been missing. I'd been having difficulty accepting gentleness because I felt like I needed to "feel the walls" in order to accept the gentleness. I'd always known that the times when I'm giving some leeway or extra understanding are a conscious decision on D's part - I've always known that he has reasons when he decides whether a situation is something that needs to be discussed while paddling my butt or not. But the part that I'd never realized, was that if gentleness is a conscious decision, that means the walls are right there. Gentleness can't exist without walls.

And that was my eureka moment - gentleness can't exist without walls.

It was about that point that I burst in to tears and opened up to D in a way that I've needed to for quite awhile, but have struggled to. I finally let go of the fear and worry - I leaned on him and accepted his strength and support. I didn't just hear his words and know they were truth and try to make myself feel them - I all the sudden was feeling them again.

With my acceptance of D's strength and love and guidance - knowing that the walls have been there all along, I regained the security that I've been struggling with finding. I re-found my natural obedience. The ease of just being with D and talking about fun things and even just enjoying all the little things. All of the sudden the things that had been weighing me down didn't seem all that heavy - in fact, they didn't seem worrisome or burdensome at all.

D has held me tightly and been strong for me through this entire time. He has waited patiently, supporting me as best he could but recognizing that there were some things on the inside that I had to figure out for myself. His belief in me has never wavered even when I was scared and insecure.

And last night, he was there with open arms, holding me, giving me his love, and accepting me as all of my struggles of the last few weeks disappeared.

I went to bed last night being more sure than ever of what a lucky little girl I am. I have a calm and peace inside me again that has been missing for too long. It feels good to have the fight gone and to let go and be held and guided by D again.

I've told him how grateful I am for him and how much I appreciate his patience, love and support, but I want to say it again here where others can see it. Thanks for your patience and support D, and your unconditional love. It means more to me than I can possibly say.

Unconscious Connections

It's been awhile since i explored in to the crevices of my mind and tried to figure out what spanking means to me and exactly where the connection is with it.

First things first, i think a short  but sweet update is in order after the last blog. Long story short, we tried some different names, but nothing quite fit. We are who we are i guess you could say. I think i'm still dealing with a bit of insecurity issues from that week of trying so hard just because of how guarded i kept my feelings on the topic in the hopes that i'd be able to force myself to accept it. For the purposes of this blog though, for the time being anyways i think the easiest thing to do is to refer to F. as "D."

Now that that's out of the way, i have a lot of wandering thoughts in my head. Some of which are confused and muddled, but i'm trying to make my way through them to figure out exactly what it is that has me so tied up in knots.

D put a temporary hold on maintenance yesterday, and strangely enough, i found myself not reacting the way i've reacted in the past. And in many ways - i'm still not reacting the same. But i'm thinking about it now. I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it yesterday - maybe in part because i didn't realize that putting maintenance on hold also meant that i wasn't going to get my butt spanked for any misbehaviour either.

At any rate, despite D having gone out of his way to make extra time for me and pay more attention to me today, i've been out of sorts. Part of that was due to bad dreams last night. Part of that was likely due to a punishment today that closed the matter but i have  been simply unable to let go of my own regret over. It wasn't even that the punishment was that bad - i think it was truly just how deep my own feelings have been over the cause of it, and how truly angry i still am with myself. And i haven't figured out how to release that anger and every time i try to face it and deal with it, i get mad and burst in to tears.

All of this is toughened by me also having started pms yesterday and knowing that if it wasn't for the stupid pms, i likely wouldn't have gotten myself in to trouble in the first place. Me not being spanked at all in the midst of pms has also left me hanging in some ways. And it's the exploration around this that has led to me questioning just what spanking is to me - what it does - how it affects me.

Back when i first accepted my need to be spanked, i spent a lot of time trying to understand it. I spent a whole lot of time trying to understand what i got from it and why i needed it. And i never really came up with any answers other than the knowledge that something inside me changes - the world seems clearer and i feel different after a spanking. It doesn't always take a spanking to make things clear - but when i get stuck inside my head the way that i am when pms hits full force, it usually takes something to push me out of it or else it's a matter of waiting 4 or 5 days for it to pass on it's own.

It's been a long time since i've had to try and manage pms without anything to stop me from getting sucked in to the complete illogical nonsense of it all. I'm able to recognize that i perceive things differently in the midst of pms - but i'm not able to control my emotional reactions. I'm not able to pull myself out of the loops that sometimes see me worry about things that shouldn't be worried about or focus on things that aren't worth spending the time of day on. In fact, i guess you could say that my current obsession with my screw up yesterday may be more a sign of pms than anything else. It's something tangible i've done wrong that i can grasp on to maybe?

I've gotten myself in to this mind block that "i don't need to be spanked, it doesn't really matter anyways." But the truth is, that it does matter. It's something that settles me and stops me when things start to run out of control It's something that makes me feel loved and believed in. I know i'm loved and believed in without being spanked - but i guess maybe being spanked gives the physical sense when i can't experience a hug or a passing swat on my butt?

There are a few things i've learned in the past... generally, the more focused i get on not needing to be spanked the worse i end up needing to be spanked in the end. And i seem to struggle with feeling less believed in when i know there's no chance of being spanked. Somehow, knowing that a spanking  could be given gives me the feeling that i'm believed in - because i wouldn't get spanked over something if D didn't know i could do better.

The thing i'm struggling with, is how to align my mind and my feelings. I know that i'm still believed in. I know that i'm still loved and treasured. So why does the lack of spanking make me feel less believed in? Why does it make me feel pushed away when i have no reason to feel that way and indeed D's actions and words tell me that he is most definitely not pushing me away but is trying to pull me  closer? Is it simply the lack of physical sensation? Or is it that i'm closing myself off in an attempt to not think about needing to be spanked? Is it possible that when i close off that need, it also becomes more difficult to be obedient and accepting? Does everything work together?

At this point i'm worried that when D does eventually decide to spank me again, i'm going to have a hard time accepting it. I realized tonight that what i really wanted was a gentle and encouraging spanking just full of love and support. And yet by the time this week passes, i don't know how well i'll be able to accept what is eventually given. In my mind, i'm essentially at the edge of a month without being spanked much. Life will be crazy over the holidays and it's unlikely that S and I will even get any play time. It's doubtful that i'll get anything over Christmas or New Years because of the way the days fall and the plans we have and the way S's schedule works out. Combine that with pms, and i could be going in to a 4 week drought when it comes to bedroom "fun" - plus not getting spanked by D. either.

I guess it's no wonder i'm just trying to squish my need down and pretend it doesn't exist. The problem is, denial in this case is closing me off and just making my pms worse. The more i tell myself i don't need to be spanked and it's no big deal, the more i think about it. Yesterday, i didn't think about it much. This morning, not a whole lot either actually - it wasn't until i got confirmation that i wasn't going to get paddled for punishment either that i started squishing the need further and further down. And the further i squish it, the more i think about it it would seem. I'm sick of thinking about something i can't have. Which just makes me try and deny it more which just makes me think about it more. It's a stupid vicious circle...

And perhaps with that wonderful thought, i should take my pms'ing self to bed where i can hope to not have a bunch of bad dreams and to maybe actually get some rest. I'm not really feeling all that hopeful for that - i'm rather unsettled and that doesn't bode well for sleep.

I am aware that things seem worse than they are right now because of the stupid pms. I'm aware that D is here for me and he's trying to be as supportive as he can be. I'm aware that it's me who is having a hard time even accepting the full amount of that support because i'm struggling with denying something that seems to be interlinked with other things too. It's like i've pulled a piece of myself back because i can't understand it and because i know that no matter what, nothing would be done right now. It's like it's taboo in my mind and i hate even mentioning it - and yet i find myself thinking of it more the harder i try to not think about it.

I went years before between the moments where i felt the need to explore my spanko thoughts further. So what's the big deal about this length of time? Why is the spanking so interlinked with everything? Why do i feel less connected because of the withdrawal of spanking?

I wish i had the answer to these things, but unfortunately i don't. I only have more thoughts, more questions, more confusion, and probably more infinite loops. And in the meantime, i'm bordering on being late for bed. Perhaps i should be grateful my butt is safe...

The end of pigtails

This post gives the reason for the change in comment settings on my blog. It may be long and it will be emotional, but I need to write and try to clear my mind. I've kinda broken a bedtime order to write this, but I needed to clear my mind a little. I wouldn't have been able to sleep with how I feel right now. Not without nightmares anyways...

Things have changed again with F - my former Daddy. Not through any fault of my own, and not really through any fault of his - it's just simply something that he needs to do right now. We are still going to be working together, but will no longer be Daddy and little girl. I will no longer be his little one or his precious girl. I'm just simply a girl he guides and cares about.

I wore pigtails today on his request. And when I took them out tonight, I realized it was my last time wearing pigtails. All of that is gone now. Now I find myself being a little girl who has a Daddy in her heart but isn't able to call him that.

I worry that calling him by something other than who he is to me is like living a lie. I worry that it will eat me up inside to be correcting myself.

I'm not being abandoned. F is still holding my hand. He's doing his best  to comfort me as we move through this. We're trying to find a different name to refer to each other as. But it doesn't change who I am - and I don't know how to reconcile that. I feel lost between the facts of my heart and the reality of what I'm allowed to do. I love F. He is a true father figure to me. The name Daddy hasn't  been a title or something we've tried to mold our relationship in to - it has been his name because it's who he is. He leads me, he guides me, he cares for me. I lean on him and at times he has leaned on me. I do my best to obey him and make him proud. Those things don't have to change - but everything is so intertwined. I feel like I have to shut off that piece of who I am and pretend that it doesn't exist. I feel like I need to deny anything that could possibly be linked to me being his little girl and I question if I'm being true to myself by doing that.

On one hand - it's just a name. People change their names all the time. It shouldn't matter - right? But it does matter because the name came about as a result of our relationship - who we were to each other and how we related. We didn't apply the name and then try and shape our relationship to fit it - it's just who we were.

I grew comfortable and secure having F. as my Daddy. There's no true reason to lose that - but I feel like I've gone in to protective mode. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, and I just plain want to cry. It's all so sudden and so confusing.

I've had some pacifiers that I bought for myself quite a number of months ago. I guess it's time for them to go in the garbage. They reminded me of being loved and cared for when F. wasn't around. They gave me a sense of calm and security when I needed it. But they reflect me being a little girl and I'm not allowed to be that with F. anymore. So I see no point in keeping them, they may do nothing but cause renewed pain every time I see them.

I'm grateful I still have F. and I'm grateful I haven't been abandoned. But I am grieving a loss of happiness and security. I know it's hard on him too and that's what sucks so much about it all. I don't blame him in any of this - it's just an unfortunate set of circumstances that couldn't have been predicted. It is what it is and there's nothing that can be done about it.

But my heart is breaking. I feel lost and insecure and the future is uncertain. I feel like anything could change in the blink of an eye and it scares me. My only comfort is that I'm not going through this alone. I'm trying to make the best of it, but the truth is, it will take time to adjust to denying the part of myself that has allowed me to bloom and love and grow in a way that I never have. And I worry that denying that part of myself will result in my shutting down completely on everything.

I will never have another Daddy. There is nobody else who could possibly meet my needs the way F. has always met them. And I'm guessing there are very few out there who understand having a father/daughter bond in the circumstances we have had them in. I most certainly am not going to throw away 2 years of a relationship because i'm not allowed to call him Daddy anymore and because he can't consider me his little girl. I am vulnerable and lost and hurting. But there is no avoiding that and just walking away from F. would not only mean I've lost my Daddy, but it would mean losing my guide and friend as well.

I'm glad I still have F. in my life. I'm glad he is still going to be there to guide me. But I will still grieve what I have lost. I will still cry and feel miserable and lost and confused while I try to come to grips with it all. In many ways I feel on my own in an odd sort of way for the first time in a long long time. And the loss makes me sick to my stomach.

i will always miss having F as my Daddy. Goodbye Daddy, hello Bubby? (We haven't figured out how I should refer to him just yet. Sir seems too impersonal and emotionally detached. But we're working on it.)

Changes

My blog needs to be a place of safety for me right now. I have changed the comment settings so that only members of my blog may post comments - I believe this simply means you need to be a follower of the blog. I would also ask that those of you who read regularly contact me through the link on my profile to be put on a list of blog readers so that if I choose to close off my blog to the public in the future, you will still be able to view and read it.

My blog is for me. It's my thinking-out-loud spot. I didn't create it to get reactions or create a stir or debate or anything else. I especially didn't create it to be attacked or belittled by people who have nothing better to do than surf the web looking for people to criticize and ridicule.

I realize this is the internet and that I shouldn't let the stupid people of the world get to me. Unfortunately, I'm human. And I'm a sensitive human at that. Most comments I'm able to delete without reading due to the way they show up, but occasionally one gets read and with what is going on right now and what I need to write about, I simply don't want to deal with the negativity.

I'm sorry for the negative post, but I felt everyone should have an explanation as to why there have been further changes with comments.

Daddy Returns

Just wanted to post a quick update here. Shortly after my last blog I got an email from my Daddy. He was replying to an email I had sent earlier in the morning and wanted me to know that he was ok. We weren't able to connect until tonight, but just knowing that he was ok put my mind at ease and I was able to be semi-productive the rest of the day.

I'm still tired. And I worry that I've maybe slipped a bit this week in terms of rules and blamed it on exhaustion. But things will get back to normal and I'm glad for that.

I'm getting maintenance tomorrow since it didn't happen on Monday, and while I know there are some of you out there who detest spankings of any sort, I know that this is a spanking I need and am overdue for. I may not be looking forward to the actual spanking itself or the pain of it. But I know that I need it and will benefit from it.

I'll say one thing though - it sure gives new meaning to the expression "no pain, no gain."

Missing Daddy

In this case, the title of this blog is pretty much literal. I'm missing my Daddy, and my Daddy is missing too. I don't know if he's truly missing or not, but he's just disappeared and it's really completely unlike him.

I spent much of yesterday just watching for an email or something, thinking perhaps something unexpected had come up at his work. But today I still haven't heard anything from him and I guess my worry has grown to be a run away train at this point. Daddy is consistent and has never just disappeared for extended periods of time. Things have come up in the past that have made him take sudden trips - it's the nature of his job, but there's always been some sort of contact to let me know that he'll be out of touch for whatever reason.

But there's been nothing this time, and I find myself going through all these worst case scenarios in my mind and then just trying to calm down and not worry so much. But it's hard to not worry when things are out of the ordinary and when my Daddy has just seemingly disappeared. I feel bad for the worry - like it's going to be an embarassment when he does show up.

But part of me can't help but think "what if." What if he's stuck in a hospital somewhere, or what if something awful has happened to him. When we last spoke on Friday everything was normal and we were talking about the coming week. I've known my Daddy for almost 2 years and it's not like him to just disappear.

And so I sit here. Worried and unsure of what's going on, and just plain missing my Daddy and worrying about him. I wish I could just reach out and hug him and just know that he's out there and ok.

I hope those of you out there reading can bear with me if I use the blog as a bit of an outlet to keep myself from getting overly worked up over the next while. I'm finding it really difficult to not let the worry get out of hand, and writing helps me calm down a little.

Growth and learning

It's been a long time since I've wrote a blog. I've had the rare idea flit through my mind, but I guess overall I've been in a bit of a creative dry spell. Real world responsibilities have this way of taking over online time, and I've certainly been experiencing that lately.

I've had some thoughts in my head the last couple days though that I have considered sharing in a number of different ways, but none of them has seemed quite right. Heck, I'm not sure that this way is quite right, but maybe there really is no real right way?

The last month has been a whirlwind filled with so many different things. Love, laughter, good times, spankings, neediness, clinginess, love, laughter, fun, illness - almost anything you can imagine has been present at one time or another, and despite a really rough patch one week, I've bounced back pretty well.

I was talking with my Daddy yesterday and realized just how differently I've handled this rough patch this time compared to in the past. I always get back in the right spot after a rough patch, there's never any worry of that. But a lot of times it takes a solid spanking to fix everything that has happened - every once in awhile it even takes more than just one solid spanking to get me back where I should be. And when that's what I need to get back on track I don't truly dread it - there is a point where I so desperately want to be back on track that I don't truly care the price I pay - or to put it more accurately, there is a point where I don't really care what price my butt pays. To be blunt about it, there is even a point where I'm almost eager to get paddled so that everything can be right again - those of you who are both spanko and submissive will understand what I mean - spanking can be a huge re-set button even if it doesn't make sense to those on the outside looking in...

But this time? This time was different. This time, I leaned in on S. and Daddy during the rough patch. This time, I talked more openly than I sometimes do - and I talked more. I wondered out loud - I worried out loud. In fact, I shared almost everything with them as it happened. And as the rough patch passed, I shared that too. In fact, this time, I didn't end up needing to be spanked to set everything right - I felt at peace over how I handled things and how I shared things - and I did the best I could in the middle of everything that was going on. In fact, I didn't even carry any guilt forward over some of my attitudes during the rough patch. I accepted leniency and was actually grateful for it - and I didn't take advantage of it or slip as a result - something I've done in the past as well.

Something else I've seen with fresh eyes this week is the strength in submission. The ability to give freely, and then to recharge and gather strength from the same person who you just gave freely to. The old pattern of worry over being too much of a burden or causing too much trouble hasn't reappeared despite the events of the last couple of weeks, and I feel truly proud of myself for that. The experience of the "loop" closing yesterday was almost empowering in a way, and I think it really reaffirmed the trust I have in my Daddy and the security I have in my submissiveness.

And these are all things that I feel good about tonight. Despite everything else going on both with myself and with the people I love and care about, I have grown in how I've dealt with situations, and I feel truly proud of myself.

Blunder after blunder

I think I should be crawling under a rock and hiding. It's about how I feel right now - just plain ashamed and a multitude of other negative feelings about myself.

I don't even know if I can explain things in a way that makes any semblance of sense because none of it makes sense and I just feel lost in the hopelessness of how I acted.

My youngest has been sick - that started off a sleep deprived night. I'm also pms'ing. Despite yesterday not being as bad a day and me hoping that I'd get off easy this month, today is apparently making up for yesterday.

I already felt flippant and somewhat hopeless about the day because I was generally unhappy with a bunch of commitments and how they were turning out. And instead of being an obedient little girl and listening to my Daddy when he tried to help settle me, I challenged him. Or at least that's how I came across anyways. What I really wanted him to do was to bite back and tell me I didn't have a choice and to listen to him, but what actually happened was I made it seem like I was belligerent and not going to listen no matter what, and I pushed him away.

And now I'm getting the silent treatment. Something that fills me with more doubts and guilt and even self hate than anything else. It makes me feel like I can't be dealt with. Or that I'm not worth dealing with. It makes me feel lonely, and all alone - at a time when I was already filled with doubts and struggling with the stupid moodiness of pms.

And there's nothing I can do. My day has gone from having some hope because Daddy was at least with me and holding me and trying to help me, to feeling hopeless because I just couldn't be dealt with. Or because I wasn't worth dealing with? Or because of some other reason? I don't know the reason. All I know is that I feel like I'm not believed in right now - that Daddy gave up on me today because of me being so challenging, and I don't know what to do.

There's really no point to this blog, I'm just so filled with emotions and trying to make sense out of my reaction to feeling like I'm not believed in, that I had to try and get some of it out. I don't believe that my perceptions are necessarily accurate. In fact I know that my Daddy does believe in me, I guess he just doesn't at the moment? Given how today has been, there's a good chance that I'm completely misinterpreting things. But this is how I feel at the moment anyways.

I know that others have experienced the silent treatment before. I don't know how they experience it though. I don't know if it shatters them and makes their world feel like it has fallen apart and turned upside down and like they're unworthy. But it's how I feel. I feel like a failure who has failed so much that it can't even be addressed right now.

And that just makes me sad. I can't really comprehend how I can be held tight and yet feel abandoned at the same time. I'm sure there's supposed to be some sort of lesson in it all, but my feelings are way too intense right now and everything is turned upside down to the point that I don't trust my own thoughts or reactions about anything at the moment.

All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry endless tears until I have a chance to talk to Daddy and attempt to make things right. And I don't even know when that will happen. :(

Daddy never stopped believing in his little girl. He wanted her to feel that same thing he did: helpless. He'll always come back to his precious girl and let her know all will be ok. She has never been a failure. She just takes so much upon herself that she won't let others help. It does make it hard to be a Daddy sometimes. But always worth the effort. (added by F.)

Simplicity

This will be a much shorter post than usual. It will be simple for the sake of the title of the post. 

I realized tonight, that TTWD creates an amazing simplicity in life - one that I truly appreciate. I realized, that my actions aren't always perfect, but they are pretty simple to move past. I get my butt paddled, I learn my lesson, and the mistake gets left in the past.

Spanked and forgiven - it's simple, but it works. And sometimes simple is good even if my butt hurts in the process.