Little Steps

2012-01-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

Jessica didn't know quite how it had all began, but she knew how it had ended - her over her Daddy's knee, her bottom pink and getting hotter as each moment passed.

SPLATT!!! SPLATTT!! SPLATT!!!! The belt landed on her tender bottom over and over. She tried to kick her legs but they were hopelessly pinned under Daddy's leg. One of his hands held both her arms pinned over her back so that she couldn't even reach back to try and protect her bottom.

"Do you think your attitude helps anybody young lady?" The belt fell again, punctuating the question.

"No Sir," she answered, full of remorse for everything that had unfolded in the past few hours.

"Good. I'm glad you are starting to understand." The caring was obvious despite the stern tone in his voice, and this just made Jessica feel even worse.

SPLATT! SPLATT! SPLATT!! The heat from the belt was starting to feel like a fire was burning in Jessica's bottom. She was starting to worry about how she could take anymore. The spanking just hurt so so much. Then she felt her hands and legs being released and Daddy's hand on her arm.

He gripped her arm tightly as he stood up, forcing her to her feet as well, then he marched her over to the corner and put her nose firmly in the corner. For emphasis, he grabbed a hair ribbon that she had neglected to pick up the other day, and tied it around her wrists. She felt each end of the ribbon being placed in her fingers, and struggled to not pull on them.

"That ribbon is tied in a bow. If you pull on either of the ends I placed in your fingers, it will come undone and your wrists will be free. I expect you to not pull on those ends - your hands are to remain tied behind your back until your time is up. If you cannot obey this simple order, then there will be even worse consequences awaiting you when your time ends. Do you understand young lady?"

Jessica could tell by the tone in her Daddy's voice just how serious he was. "Yes Sir, I understand Sir." She tried to keep her voice calm, not wanting to betray the panic she was secretly feeling inside.

Standing in the corner had always been hard for Jessica. The lack of movement, the enclosure, the lack of things to look at combined with the way time seemed to quit moving all made her feel anxious when she was placed in the corner. She understood why her Daddy used it - she had to truly submit to stand in the corner obediently, plus she ended up thinking on the reason she was in the corner in the first place. At times it was possibly the only way to get her to focus on exactly what she had done wrong.

But her hands being tied was a new experience for her. The fact that they were tied in a way that she could easily release herself from made her know that it was important for her to obey. She knew that if she did release herself, she was likely to get spanked longer and harder and perhaps the spanking would start all over - and she didn't want that.

The tips of the ribbon were smooth in her fingers and as time passed and Jessica's mind wandered a little, the texture of the ribbon caught her attention. She tried to remind herself that she shouldn't even play with the tips of the ribbon just in case it made the bow come out, and she didn't know how tightly it was tied to begin with - but it was difficult to do. Her mind drifted more and before she knew it, she was trying to see if the end of the ribbon was long enough to wrap around one of her fingers.

Her thoughts about the ribbon were abruptly interrupted when she felt it slip off her wrists. She gasped, afraid of what was going to happen - she hadn't meant for it to fall off, she just hadn't been able to stop herself from fiddling with the ends.

Daddy was there in an instant. He grabbed her by the hair and led her to the kitchen where he pushed her over the edge of the table.

"Please Daddy, please. It was just an accident Sir. I wasn't trying to undo it. I didn't know it would come undone so easily. Please Sir? Please - just tie it back on and I'll start my time over? I promise I won't let it come off this time?"

CRACCCKKKK! A solid swat from the paddle was the only answer she received. CRACCKKK! It fell again in the same place as before and Jessica squealed in pain. CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK!!! Over and over and over it fell without a break or a single word from Daddy, and then it stopped.

He pulled her up from the table, still gripping her hair, and turned her to face him.

"I know how much you like ribbons. I know that you didn't mean to undo that ribbon. But that ribbon was an exercise in self control. I needed you to feel that I controlled what you could and could not do. And you failed to accept that control. For that, little one, you must be punished. I wish it wasn't so, but you must learn this lesson, accept it as truth, and live without questioning it or doubting it.

He tugged on her hair in a way that was strong enough to make her follow him but not strong enough to hurt. "Follow me."

Jessica followed as she was led down the hallway towards "the room." She had never been inside that room - had only been warned that she should never go in to it without being told to and that she would regret the day she had reason to see the inside of it.

Daddy opened the door and Jessica gasped as she caught her first glimpse in to the room.

A polished wood spanking bench was in the center of the room. The top of each level being padded with a pillow being built in to the area where her hips would obviously sit. On each of the smaller platforms, a wide leather restraint was open. The leg supports had an additional restraint built in to hold her thighs in place, and a wide leather belt lay in the middle of the center platform - presumably to cinch around her waist.

On the wall directly in front of her a series of straps and paddles hung. Each one looked like it was severe enough to make her not sit for a week. There were leather straps, rubber straps, straps with holes in them, straps that appeared to be thick and heavy, and a few straps that appeared to be belts that had had a handle permanently attached to them to make them easier to swing. To the right of all the straps hung so many paddles in so many different sizes and thicknesses that she found herself closing her eyes, not even wanting to imagine what was in store for her.

Daddy pushed her over the bench and immediately cinched the belt tight around her waist. He slid the pillow so that it was in the perfect position under her hips to expose her bum so that it was tight and firm, then he got to work fastening the thigh, ankle, and wrist restraints. He finished off by placing a small leather restraint around her neck that would prevent her from raising her head to try and see things, then he pulled a blindfold over her eyes.

Jessica instantly started to cry. She had never been restrained this way before, and had never seen such scary looking implements. This room was indeed a place she wished she had never visited, and her spanking hadn't even started.

Daddy's hand rested on her shoulder and he spoke softly to her. "My sweet girl, you must learn to not fight yourself. You must learn to not sabotage yourself. You must learn to lean on my strength at the times that you feel conflict, and to allow me to lead you through the times where you're not sure what to do. You must accept that as surely as these restraints have you physically held in place, my arms and love and care also hold you in place. I am sorry that you have to experience this today. It is tough on both of us - I truly hate to see you cry and suffer. But this is what's best for you. This is what you need to grow and thrive and it is my job to see that you have the things you need to be happy and content."

She choked back her sobs, a strange mix of fear, trust, and acceptance gripping her. The complete lack of physical control of her body terrified her, and yet there was something that thrilled her about having absolutely no control. Her bottom ached from the spanking she had already received, and she found herself terrified of more to come, but she heard the care in her Daddy's voice and knew that he was doing this out of love. She knew that he had seen the struggle she was having inside herself, and had decided to address it in a way she would remember for a long time to come. And while she hated the thought, she knew in her heart that he was right and as usual knew exactly what she needed.

The bumping of wood and rustling of straps brought her out of her thoughts and she just listened, waiting to see what was going to happen.

SPLATTT!!! A thick heavy strap fell before she had time to realize that Daddy was back beside her. Her bottom instantly throbbed and she choked back tears. 3 more times it fell, each swing overlapping the previous one by a little bit and making her bottom throb more and more.

"What do you have to say young lady?"

The words spilled out of her mouth in desparation. "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry for not obeying. I'm sorry for my attitude. I'm sorry for not trusting in you and leaning on you when I was struggling the most with myself." She cried harder as she heard her own words spill out, then she felt Daddy's hand firmly rubbing her bottom.

"I know you're sorry sweetheart, and all is forgiven. Now you must finish your spanking like a good girl. You must trust that I will not give you more than what you can actually take. I love you very much my precious little one, and I do not want to have to return to this room anytime soon. I want you to remember today long enough that we maybe never have to come back here again."

"Yes Sir." Jessica choked back tears, finally relaxing and accepting what was to come. Her sore bottom would remind her of all that she had learned. She would take the rest of her spanking like the good girl that she was and she would remember that her Daddy had all control as long as she gave it to him. And she wanted him to have it. It was the natural and right way for things to be.

Daddy moved on to the paddle and paddled her soundly, then he released her restraints and scooped her up in his arms, carrying her to her room where he laid her on her soft pink blanket. He sat beside her, stroking her hair and rubbing her back soothingly, and she looked up at him with her big brown eyes.

"Thank you Daddy. Thank you for caring enough to help me get back in to the place that is best for me. The place where I am happiest and all is easy in the world. I love you Daddy."

"I love you too little one."

His words wrapped around her like a comforting blanket and despite her aching bum, she drifted off to sleep. She was loved and held tight, and she could never ask for anything more than that.

Eureka

2011-12-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ever have a moment where everything just all the sudden seems to fall in to place? A moment where all your questions, all your thoughts and fears and struggles just all of the sudden vanished because of something you figured out?

I had a moment like that last night. A moment that has settled me and made me calmer in a deeper way than I've been in a very long time. It was a realization that truly changed my perspective and let me release the struggles and confusion that I've been trying to figure out.

I talk a lot about testing - about needing to know there are limit and sometimes just needing to be reminded that the walls are there. Sometimes I need to reach out and touch them and get reprimanded just to know that they're there - and sometimes I truly push hard to see and feel them.

I guess I've been in that mode more often lately - looking for firmness and correction just so that I knew the walls were there. But in all my testing and confusion and searching, I failed to see that I was lost inside myself more than anything. It wasn't that rules had changed or enforcement had changed - it was that I just wasn't "feeling" it the same way.

So fast forward to last night where I all the sudden realized that the spanking hiatus was about me being able to feel D's gentle guidance and accept his strength through gentleness rather than looking towards spankings to help keep me settled. I realized that I'd been using spankings to try and stay settled and that while a spanking could certainly be a motivator or the impetus for change, it couldn't be a method of staying there - staying settled had to come from within me.

I did a lot of thinking around this topic. D was online and we chatted a lot - I did most of the talking mind you - when I start to piece things together I can be rather prolific in the amount I say in a very short amount of time, lol - but he listened intently with an open mind. That's something I've always appreciated about him - he doesn't jump to a conclusion based on the first sentence, he waits until I've said everything I need to say before making judgement. Sometimes of course he'll cut me short if I get in to a circular thought or I'm re-hashing something or it's otherwise not beneficial to let me continue - but when I'm exploring and figuring things out, he is supportive and helps me figure things out.

In the midst of everything last night, I all the sudden realized the piece of the puzzle I'd been missing. I'd been having difficulty accepting gentleness because I felt like I needed to "feel the walls" in order to accept the gentleness. I'd always known that the times when I'm giving some leeway or extra understanding are a conscious decision on D's part - I've always known that he has reasons when he decides whether a situation is something that needs to be discussed while paddling my butt or not. But the part that I'd never realized, was that if gentleness is a conscious decision, that means the walls are right there. Gentleness can't exist without walls.

And that was my eureka moment - gentleness can't exist without walls.

It was about that point that I burst in to tears and opened up to D in a way that I've needed to for quite awhile, but have struggled to. I finally let go of the fear and worry - I leaned on him and accepted his strength and support. I didn't just hear his words and know they were truth and try to make myself feel them - I all the sudden was feeling them again.

With my acceptance of D's strength and love and guidance - knowing that the walls have been there all along, I regained the security that I've been struggling with finding. I re-found my natural obedience. The ease of just being with D and talking about fun things and even just enjoying all the little things. All of the sudden the things that had been weighing me down didn't seem all that heavy - in fact, they didn't seem worrisome or burdensome at all.

D has held me tightly and been strong for me through this entire time. He has waited patiently, supporting me as best he could but recognizing that there were some things on the inside that I had to figure out for myself. His belief in me has never wavered even when I was scared and insecure.

And last night, he was there with open arms, holding me, giving me his love, and accepting me as all of my struggles of the last few weeks disappeared.

I went to bed last night being more sure than ever of what a lucky little girl I am. I have a calm and peace inside me again that has been missing for too long. It feels good to have the fight gone and to let go and be held and guided by D again.

I've told him how grateful I am for him and how much I appreciate his patience, love and support, but I want to say it again here where others can see it. Thanks for your patience and support D, and your unconditional love. It means more to me than I can possibly say.

Unconscious Connections

2011-12-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since i explored in to the crevices of my mind and tried to figure out what spanking means to me and exactly where the connection is with it.

First things first, i think a short but sweet update is in order after the last blog. Long story short, we tried some different names, but nothing quite fit. We are who we are i guess you could say. I think i'm still dealing with a bit of insecurity issues from that week of trying so hard just because of how guarded i kept my feelings on the topic in the hopes that i'd be able to force myself to accept it. For the purposes of this blog though, for the time being anyways i think the easiest thing to do is to refer to F. as "D."

Now that that's out of the way, i have a lot of wandering thoughts in my head. Some of which are confused and muddled, but i'm trying to make my way through them to figure out exactly what it is that has me so tied up in knots.

D put a temporary hold on maintenance yesterday, and strangely enough, i found myself not reacting the way i've reacted in the past. And in many ways - i'm still not reacting the same. But i'm thinking about it now. I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it yesterday - maybe in part because i didn't realize that putting maintenance on hold also meant that i wasn't going to get my butt spanked for any misbehaviour either.

At any rate, despite D having gone out of his way to make extra time for me and pay more attention to me today, i've been out of sorts. Part of that was due to bad dreams last night. Part of that was likely due to a punishment today that closed the matter but i have been simply unable to let go of my own regret over. It wasn't even that the punishment was that bad - i think it was truly just how deep my own feelings have been over the cause of it, and how truly angry i still am with myself. And i haven't figured out how to release that anger and every time i try to face it and deal with it, i get mad and burst in to tears.

All of this is toughened by me also having started pms yesterday and knowing that if it wasn't for the stupid pms, i likely wouldn't have gotten myself in to trouble in the first place. Me not being spanked at all in the midst of pms has also left me hanging in some ways. And it's the exploration around this that has led to me questioning just what spanking is to me - what it does - how it affects me.

Back when i first accepted my need to be spanked, i spent a lot of time trying to understand it. I spent a whole lot of time trying to understand what i got from it and why i needed it. And i never really came up with any answers other than the knowledge that something inside me changes - the world seems clearer and i feel different after a spanking. It doesn't always take a spanking to make things clear - but when i get stuck inside my head the way that i am when pms hits full force, it usually takes something to push me out of it or else it's a matter of waiting 4 or 5 days for it to pass on it's own.

It's been a long time since i've had to try and manage pms without anything to stop me from getting sucked in to the complete illogical nonsense of it all. I'm able to recognize that i perceive things differently in the midst of pms - but i'm not able to control my emotional reactions. I'm not able to pull myself out of the loops that sometimes see me worry about things that shouldn't be worried about or focus on things that aren't worth spending the time of day on. In fact, i guess you could say that my current obsession with my screw up yesterday may be more a sign of pms than anything else. It's something tangible i've done wrong that i can grasp on to maybe?

I've gotten myself in to this mind block that "i don't need to be spanked, it doesn't really matter anyways." But the truth is, that it does matter. It's something that settles me and stops me when things start to run out of control It's something that makes me feel loved and believed in. I know i'm loved and believed in without being spanked - but i guess maybe being spanked gives the physical sense when i can't experience a hug or a passing swat on my butt?

There are a few things i've learned in the past... generally, the more focused i get on not needing to be spanked the worse i end up needing to be spanked in the end. And i seem to struggle with feeling less believed in when i know there's no chance of being spanked. Somehow, knowing that a spanking could be given gives me the feeling that i'm believed in - because i wouldn't get spanked over something if D didn't know i could do better.

The thing i'm struggling with, is how to align my mind and my feelings. I know that i'm still believed in. I know that i'm still loved and treasured. So why does the lack of spanking make me feel less believed in? Why does it make me feel pushed away when i have no reason to feel that way and indeed D's actions and words tell me that he is most definitely not pushing me away but is trying to pull me closer? Is it simply the lack of physical sensation? Or is it that i'm closing myself off in an attempt to not think about needing to be spanked? Is it possible that when i close off that need, it also becomes more difficult to be obedient and accepting? Does everything work together?

At this point i'm worried that when D does eventually decide to spank me again, i'm going to have a hard time accepting it. I realized tonight that what i really wanted was a gentle and encouraging spanking just full of love and support. And yet by the time this week passes, i don't know how well i'll be able to accept what is eventually given. In my mind, i'm essentially at the edge of a month without being spanked much. Life will be crazy over the holidays and it's unlikely that S and I will even get any play time. It's doubtful that i'll get anything over Christmas or New Years because of the way the days fall and the plans we have and the way S's schedule works out. Combine that with pms, and i could be going in to a 4 week drought when it comes to bedroom "fun" - plus not getting spanked by D. either.

I guess it's no wonder i'm just trying to squish my need down and pretend it doesn't exist. The problem is, denial in this case is closing me off and just making my pms worse. The more i tell myself i don't need to be spanked and it's no big deal, the more i think about it. Yesterday, i didn't think about it much. This morning, not a whole lot either actually - it wasn't until i got confirmation that i wasn't going to get paddled for punishment either that i started squishing the need further and further down. And the further i squish it, the more i think about it it would seem. I'm sick of thinking about something i can't have. Which just makes me try and deny it more which just makes me think about it more. It's a stupid vicious circle...

And perhaps with that wonderful thought, i should take my pms'ing self to bed where i can hope to not have a bunch of bad dreams and to maybe actually get some rest. I'm not really feeling all that hopeful for that - i'm rather unsettled and that doesn't bode well for sleep.

I am aware that things seem worse than they are right now because of the stupid pms. I'm aware that D is here for me and he's trying to be as supportive as he can be. I'm aware that it's me who is having a hard time even accepting the full amount of that support because i'm struggling with denying something that seems to be interlinked with other things too. It's like i've pulled a piece of myself back because i can't understand it and because i know that no matter what, nothing would be done right now. It's like it's taboo in my mind and i hate even mentioning it - and yet i find myself thinking of it more the harder i try to not think about it.

I went years before between the moments where i felt the need to explore my spanko thoughts further. So what's the big deal about this length of time? Why is the spanking so interlinked with everything? Why do i feel less connected because of the withdrawal of spanking?

I wish i had the answer to these things, but unfortunately i don't. I only have more thoughts, more questions, more confusion, and probably more infinite loops. And in the meantime, i'm bordering on being late for bed. Perhaps i should be grateful my butt is safe...

The end of pigtails

2011-12-01T23:56:00.000-07:00

This post gives the reason for the change in comment settings on my blog. It may be long and it will be emotional, but I need to write and try to clear my mind. I've kinda broken a bedtime order to write this, but I needed to clear my mind a little. I wouldn't have been able to sleep with how I feel right now. Not without nightmares anyways...

Things have changed again with F - my former Daddy. Not through any fault of my own, and not really through any fault of his - it's just simply something that he needs to do right now. We are still going to be working together, but will no longer be Daddy and little girl. I will no longer be his little one or his precious girl. I'm just simply a girl he guides and cares about.

I wore pigtails today on his request. And when I took them out tonight, I realized it was my last time wearing pigtails. All of that is gone now. Now I find myself being a little girl who has a Daddy in her heart but isn't able to call him that.

I worry that calling him by something other than who he is to me is like living a lie. I worry that it will eat me up inside to be correcting myself.

I'm not being abandoned. F is still holding my hand. He's doing his best to comfort me as we move through this. We're trying to find a different name to refer to each other as. But it doesn't change who I am - and I don't know how to reconcile that. I feel lost between the facts of my heart and the reality of what I'm allowed to do. I love F. He is a true father figure to me. The name Daddy hasn't been a title or something we've tried to mold our relationship in to - it has been his name because it's who he is. He leads me, he guides me, he cares for me. I lean on him and at times he has leaned on me. I do my best to obey him and make him proud. Those things don't have to change - but everything is so intertwined. I feel like I have to shut off that piece of who I am and pretend that it doesn't exist. I feel like I need to deny anything that could possibly be linked to me being his little girl and I question if I'm being true to myself by doing that.

On one hand - it's just a name. People change their names all the time. It shouldn't matter - right? But it does matter because the name came about as a result of our relationship - who we were to each other and how we related. We didn't apply the name and then try and shape our relationship to fit it - it's just who we were.

I grew comfortable and secure having F. as my Daddy. There's no true reason to lose that - but I feel like I've gone in to protective mode. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, and I just plain want to cry. It's all so sudden and so confusing.

I've had some pacifiers that I bought for myself quite a number of months ago. I guess it's time for them to go in the garbage. They reminded me of being loved and cared for when F. wasn't around. They gave me a sense of calm and security when I needed it. But they reflect me being a little girl and I'm not allowed to be that with F. anymore. So I see no point in keeping them, they may do nothing but cause renewed pain every time I see them.

I'm grateful I still have F. and I'm grateful I haven't been abandoned. But I am grieving a loss of happiness and security. I know it's hard on him too and that's what sucks so much about it all. I don't blame him in any of this - it's just an unfortunate set of circumstances that couldn't have been predicted. It is what it is and there's nothing that can be done about it.

But my heart is breaking. I feel lost and insecure and the future is uncertain. I feel like anything could change in the blink of an eye and it scares me. My only comfort is that I'm not going through this alone. I'm trying to make the best of it, but the truth is, it will take time to adjust to denying the part of myself that has allowed me to bloom and love and grow in a way that I never have. And I worry that denying that part of myself will result in my shutting down completely on everything.

I will never have another Daddy. There is nobody else who could possibly meet my needs the way F. has always met them. And I'm guessing there are very few out there who understand having a father/daughter bond in the circumstances we have had them in. I most certainly am not going to throw away 2 years of a relationship because i'm not allowed to call him Daddy anymore and because he can't consider me his little girl. I am vulnerable and lost and hurting. But there is no avoiding that and just walking away from F. would not only mean I've lost my Daddy, but it would mean losing my guide and friend as well.

I'm glad I still have F. in my life. I'm glad he is still going to be there to guide me. But I will still grieve what I have lost. I will still cry and feel miserable and lost and confused while I try to come to grips with it all. In many ways I feel on my own in an odd sort of way for the first time in a long long time. And the loss makes me sick to my stomach.

i will always miss having F as my Daddy. Goodbye Daddy, hello Bubby? (We haven't figured out how I should refer to him just yet. Sir seems too impersonal and emotionally detached. But we're working on it.)

Changes

2011-12-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

My blog needs to be a place of safety for me right now. I have changed the comment settings so that only members of my blog may post comments - I believe this simply means you need to be a follower of the blog. I would also ask that those of you who read regularly contact me through the link on my profile to be put on a list of blog readers so that if I choose to close off my blog to the public in the future, you will still be able to view and read it.

My blog is for me. It's my thinking-out-loud spot. I didn't create it to get reactions or create a stir or debate or anything else. I especially didn't create it to be attacked or belittled by people who have nothing better to do than surf the web looking for people to criticize and ridicule.

I realize this is the internet and that I shouldn't let the stupid people of the world get to me. Unfortunately, I'm human. And I'm a sensitive human at that. Most comments I'm able to delete without reading due to the way they show up, but occasionally one gets read and with what is going on right now and what I need to write about, I simply don't want to deal with the negativity.

I'm sorry for the negative post, but I felt everyone should have an explanation as to why there have been further changes with comments.

Daddy Returns

2011-11-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to post a quick update here. Shortly after my last blog I got an email from my Daddy. He was replying to an email I had sent earlier in the morning and wanted me to know that he was ok. We weren't able to connect until tonight, but just knowing that he was ok put my mind at ease and I was able to be semi-productive the rest of the day.

I'm still tired. And I worry that I've maybe slipped a bit this week in terms of rules and blamed it on exhaustion. But things will get back to normal and I'm glad for that.

I'm getting maintenance tomorrow since it didn't happen on Monday, and while I know there are some of you out there who detest spankings of any sort, I know that this is a spanking I need and am overdue for. I may not be looking forward to the actual spanking itself or the pain of it. But I know that I need it and will benefit from it.

I'll say one thing though - it sure gives new meaning to the expression "no pain, no gain."

Missing Daddy

2011-11-29T09:32:00.001-07:00

In this case, the title of this blog is pretty much literal. I'm missing my Daddy, and my Daddy is missing too. I don't know if he's truly missing or not, but he's just disappeared and it's really completely unlike him.

I spent much of yesterday just watching for an email or something, thinking perhaps something unexpected had come up at his work. But today I still haven't heard anything from him and I guess my worry has grown to be a run away train at this point. Daddy is consistent and has never just disappeared for extended periods of time. Things have come up in the past that have made him take sudden trips - it's the nature of his job, but there's always been some sort of contact to let me know that he'll be out of touch for whatever reason.

But there's been nothing this time, and I find myself going through all these worst case scenarios in my mind and then just trying to calm down and not worry so much. But it's hard to not worry when things are out of the ordinary and when my Daddy has just seemingly disappeared. I feel bad for the worry - like it's going to be an embarassment when he does show up.

But part of me can't help but think "what if." What if he's stuck in a hospital somewhere, or what if something awful has happened to him. When we last spoke on Friday everything was normal and we were talking about the coming week. I've known my Daddy for almost 2 years and it's not like him to just disappear.

And so I sit here. Worried and unsure of what's going on, and just plain missing my Daddy and worrying about him. I wish I could just reach out and hug him and just know that he's out there and ok.

I hope those of you out there reading can bear with me if I use the blog as a bit of an outlet to keep myself from getting overly worked up over the next while. I'm finding it really difficult to not let the worry get out of hand, and writing helps me calm down a little.

Growth and learning

2011-11-02T21:33:00.000-06:00

It's been a long time since I've wrote a blog. I've had the rare idea flit through my mind, but I guess overall I've been in a bit of a creative dry spell. Real world responsibilities have this way of taking over online time, and I've certainly been experiencing that lately.

I've had some thoughts in my head the last couple days though that I have considered sharing in a number of different ways, but none of them has seemed quite right. Heck, I'm not sure that this way is quite right, but maybe there really is no real right way?

The last month has been a whirlwind filled with so many different things. Love, laughter, good times, spankings, neediness, clinginess, love, laughter, fun, illness - almost anything you can imagine has been present at one time or another, and despite a really rough patch one week, I've bounced back pretty well.

I was talking with my Daddy yesterday and realized just how differently I've handled this rough patch this time compared to in the past. I always get back in the right spot after a rough patch, there's never any worry of that. But a lot of times it takes a solid spanking to fix everything that has happened - every once in awhile it even takes more than just one solid spanking to get me back where I should be. And when that's what I need to get back on track I don't truly dread it - there is a point where I so desperately want to be back on track that I don't truly care the price I pay - or to put it more accurately, there is a point where I don't really care what price my butt pays. To be blunt about it, there is even a point where I'm almost eager to get paddled so that everything can be right again - those of you who are both spanko and submissive will understand what I mean - spanking can be a huge re-set button even if it doesn't make sense to those on the outside looking in...

But this time? This time was different. This time, I leaned in on S. and Daddy during the rough patch. This time, I talked more openly than I sometimes do - and I talked more. I wondered out loud - I worried out loud. In fact, I shared almost everything with them as it happened. And as the rough patch passed, I shared that too. In fact, this time, I didn't end up needing to be spanked to set everything right - I felt at peace over how I handled things and how I shared things - and I did the best I could in the middle of everything that was going on. In fact, I didn't even carry any guilt forward over some of my attitudes during the rough patch. I accepted leniency and was actually grateful for it - and I didn't take advantage of it or slip as a result - something I've done in the past as well.

Something else I've seen with fresh eyes this week is the strength in submission. The ability to give freely, and then to recharge and gather strength from the same person who you just gave freely to. The old pattern of worry over being too much of a burden or causing too much trouble hasn't reappeared despite the events of the last couple of weeks, and I feel truly proud of myself for that. The experience of the "loop" closing yesterday was almost empowering in a way, and I think it really reaffirmed the trust I have in my Daddy and the security I have in my submissiveness.

And these are all things that I feel good about tonight. Despite everything else going on both with myself and with the people I love and care about, I have grown in how I've dealt with situations, and I feel truly proud of myself.

Blunder after blunder

2011-09-20T12:06:00.001-06:00

I think I should be crawling under a rock and hiding. It's about how I feel right now - just plain ashamed and a multitude of other negative feelings about myself.

I don't even know if I can explain things in a way that makes any semblance of sense because none of it makes sense and I just feel lost in the hopelessness of how I acted.

My youngest has been sick - that started off a sleep deprived night. I'm also pms'ing. Despite yesterday not being as bad a day and me hoping that I'd get off easy this month, today is apparently making up for yesterday.

I already felt flippant and somewhat hopeless about the day because I was generally unhappy with a bunch of commitments and how they were turning out. And instead of being an obedient little girl and listening to my Daddy when he tried to help settle me, I challenged him. Or at least that's how I came across anyways. What I really wanted him to do was to bite back and tell me I didn't have a choice and to listen to him, but what actually happened was I made it seem like I was belligerent and not going to listen no matter what, and I pushed him away.

And now I'm getting the silent treatment. Something that fills me with more doubts and guilt and even self hate than anything else. It makes me feel like I can't be dealt with. Or that I'm not worth dealing with. It makes me feel lonely, and all alone - at a time when I was already filled with doubts and struggling with the stupid moodiness of pms.

And there's nothing I can do. My day has gone from having some hope because Daddy was at least with me and holding me and trying to help me, to feeling hopeless because I just couldn't be dealt with. Or because I wasn't worth dealing with? Or because of some other reason? I don't know the reason. All I know is that I feel like I'm not believed in right now - that Daddy gave up on me today because of me being so challenging, and I don't know what to do.

There's really no point to this blog, I'm just so filled with emotions and trying to make sense out of my reaction to feeling like I'm not believed in, that I had to try and get some of it out. I don't believe that my perceptions are necessarily accurate. In fact I know that my Daddy does believe in me, I guess he just doesn't at the moment? Given how today has been, there's a good chance that I'm completely misinterpreting things. But this is how I feel at the moment anyways.

I know that others have experienced the silent treatment before. I don't know how they experience it though. I don't know if it shatters them and makes their world feel like it has fallen apart and turned upside down and like they're unworthy. But it's how I feel. I feel like a failure who has failed so much that it can't even be addressed right now.

And that just makes me sad. I can't really comprehend how I can be held tight and yet feel abandoned at the same time. I'm sure there's supposed to be some sort of lesson in it all, but my feelings are way too intense right now and everything is turned upside down to the point that I don't trust my own thoughts or reactions about anything at the moment.

All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry endless tears until I have a chance to talk to Daddy and attempt to make things right. And I don't even know when that will happen. :(

Daddy never stopped believing in his little girl. He wanted her to feel that same thing he did: helpless. He'll always come back to his precious girl and let her know all will be ok. She has never been a failure. She just takes so much upon herself that she won't let others help. It does make it hard to be a Daddy sometimes. But always worth the effort. (added by F.)

Simplicity

2011-09-10T01:03:00.000-06:00

This will be a much shorter post than usual. It will be simple for the sake of the title of the post.

I realized tonight, that TTWD creates an amazing simplicity in life - one that I truly appreciate. I realized, that my actions aren't always perfect, but they are pretty simple to move past. I get my butt paddled, I learn my lesson, and the mistake gets left in the past.

Spanked and forgiven - it's simple, but it works. And sometimes simple is good even if my butt hurts in the process.

Stopping the Unstoppable

2011-09-09T10:17:00.000-06:00

There are so many things I feel needing to be said, and I've struggled over wanting to write a blog for the last week now. I've wanted to write one - and needed to write one - but I've been a coward. My "friendly" blog troll commented on my last entry, and while I didn't read anything more than the first sentence, it bothered me enough that it made me fearful of posting more - fearful of more hatred and more attacks. Admittedly it made me angry too - angry that somebody was pompous enough to think they had the right to judge me just because they disagreed with my choices. And I wasn't about to have an entire entry devoted to what a sad life this other person must live if she's devoted her time to seeking out bloggers and attacking them just for the fun of it.

Now I realize that creating fear or anger or some other emotion is exactly what a troll wants. In fact, I hate that I'm even acknowledging that I avoided posting for the last few weeks because of this person despite truly feeling the need to write. However, I've come up with a solution that will mean all the hatred can be sent that she wants and I will never see another single comment - but still be able to view and approve everyone else's.

It's sad that somebody else has to make themselves feel better and try to find worth for themselves and meaning for their own decisions and life through the criticism and outright attempts to be hurtful towards another person. It is not a life I would wish for anyone and I pity this person - which is perhaps why I feel so cowardly for not posting on my blog sooner. But too much has happened in the last week, and I just simply can't continue without trying to sort my thoughts out - and writing is how I do that. Stories are fun - stories are an escape. Sometimes they're laced with bits of reality - sometimes they're more fantasy than reality, and sometimes they're just fun to write and have no basis in fantasy or reality.

But today's blog isn't a story. It's full of hurt, and confusions, and genuine worry. It's honest, and blunt, and may be raw for people depending on what they've experienced in their lives. But I write this blog because I need to. Because my heart is hurting and I don't know how to make it feel better.

My Daddy was seriously injured in a motor vehicle collision last week. He is in significant pain and his normal routine has gone through a big change. I have worried about him, and we've had opportunity to talk, but our time together has been much more limited than it normally is, and this is the bottom of much of what is going on right now. Not all of it - but a lot of it.

I know my Daddy will read this blog, so I want to tell him now that this blog isn't about him specifically and that I'm not upset at him. This blog is really trying to sort through my own reactions and my own guilt about how I've acted and felt.

It's a hard adjustment to go from having his presence there and his help in so many little things throughout the day, to having him around so much less. And I really find myself hating my own reaction to it and having negative thoughts. I know he's still there for me. I know he's suffering and quite likely feels bad for not being able to be around as much as usual. I know his body has been through something very traumatic and that everyone is just lucky that he's still alive. I feel grateful that he's still here - so very very grateful. And I feel sorrow for his pain. Sorrow for the changes that are being forced on to him because of somebody else's irresponsible decision.

And in the midst of all that, I just miss him. I find myself needing him and just missing him so much. And then I feel guilty for it - I wonder if I'm acting like a selfish little brat crying about how I need by Daddy when my Daddy is suffering so much. I'm just lucky he's still here - lucky that I am able to talk to him even for short little bits. Lucky that he cares so much about me that he's trying to make time for me and spend time with me despite the pain he's in. And yet despite how grateful I am for everything he's doing, I miss "normal" so deeply that it hurts - and I fear that "normal" will never be the same again. There is so much that I fear - so much I worry about, and yet I haven't voiced it to him for fear of making him feel bad. Because I don't want to worsen his pain and his worry.

My Daddy is a strong man. He is an amazing Daddy. He gives me more than I could ever ask of him, even in the midst of all this he has been there for me more than I could've imagined. And I think I truly hate the sadness I feel over the loss of "normal." I look at things, and I think to myself that I should be so glad for what I have that I should just let go of the wish and the need for more time. I tell myself that it's wrong to want more when I'm so lucky to even have what I have right now.

I have these periods of feeling so mad that my Daddy was hurt the way he was - not mad at him, but mad at the idiotic other driver. And feeling so helpless because I can't even just sit beside his bed and keep him company. And then I look at the way I'm acting and struggling with the extra stress that would've been all around me anyways, and it just makes me feel worse - it makes me feel like I'm not doing enough - that I'm not trying hard enough, because if I was, then surely all the little things that have piled up wouldn't seem so giant and overwhelming. I feel bad for being more needy. I feel bad for struggling and being more clingy when my Daddy has no control over what's happened and he deserves better than what I've been doing the last few days - this last week isn't what he wanted or planned on either and I know how much agony he's in.

There are 2 completely different things going on right now and I think they're feeding each other and leaving me caught between speaking my emotions and needs, and just wanting to not be a burden to my Daddy when he's in so much pain and has so many things going on. Perhaps I'm afraid of asking and being told no too - because inside, I know that he has no control over the pain. I know that he has to look after himself - and really, I would feel absolutely horrible if his healing was set back because of me.

And I guess that brings me right back to the thoughts of thinking how I must be a selfish brat to struggle so hard with needing my Daddy when I know things are beyond his control right now and I really want to be there for him and not be a source of worry but a source of joy and support.

I sobbed in the shower this morning. Hard gut-wrenching sobs that shook my body and just released agony. I'm fighting with myself - fighting to be a good little girl and accept what has happened. Fighting to try and find order in all the things that are going on in my life around me, and finding that even simple basic rules are causing me difficulty. And then I feel guilty for it all.

It's a circle - I know it and can see it. I just haven't managed to stop it - haven't managed to get rid of the guilt I feel for needing attention and struggling when my Daddy has so much of his own going on and I feel grateful for what I do get. I just miss normal - and maybe I'm grieving the loss of that?

My Daddy made time for me this past Tuesday to hold me tight and be there for me most of the day despite the pain he has been in. He helped me find my place and feel his arms wrapped around me holding me tight, and I gladly settled in to that place, feeling relief and comfort. Tiredness and neediness has limited my ability to feel my place and find comfort in it the last couple days,, and perhaps that is where my focus needs to be right now - not on awareness of how much I miss him and worry about him, but on the security and love and care he has given me despite his own suffering.

I love my Daddy and trust him and know that he is there for me as best he can. I just know that right now his body is limiting things through no fault of his own and it's hard to keep perspective when all I want is for his arms to scoop me up and protect me and tell me everything is going to be ok. It's hard to balance out my need for him with my need to be there for him and not make things harder for him. There are moments where I feel like I'm closer to figuring it out, and then I fall apart in to this confusion that as of yet hasn't become clear. And perhaps it won't become clear until the things around me manage to settle down a little? The demands and expectations that the people around me have for me right now are overwhelming me too and I'm not finding a place of balance. It just seems like nothing is right right now, and I don't know if it's all me or if it's just a combination of circumstances.

All the little things in my life that have piled up and amplified everything have to fall in to a semblance of order sooner or later, right? The adjustment to kids being back in school and trying to find a routine for myself with being home alone will happen sooner or later. I just wish I could feel a sense of direction in the midst of it all right now.

I know things will be ok. I just don't deal well with unexpected change and I guess that is a big part of this. I love my Daddy, and I know that even if I can't find the balance between my need for him and my need to cause less worry and be more of a support, that we will get through this and he'll support me as best he can. And now that I think of that, I realize that this isn't unstoppable after all. I just need to be patient and let things run their course and do the best I can in the meantime.

Daddy's Belt

2011-08-28T21:31:00.002-06:00

I squealed and kicked my legs as the belt landed the first time. It stung and I was surprised by the sensation.

"Young lady, you know why you're in this position, don't you?"

"Yes Daddy, I do." My voice was soft and submissive. I already felt remorse for my actions but understood the necessity of the punishment to reinforce the lesson. Perhaps in some ways I even needed the punishment to remind me that there were some things that simply weren't acceptable, and that I would have to answer for them when they did happen.

Splaatttt! The belt landed again in the exact same spot and I squealed and kicked my legs again. The heat was building and as it built this spanking was all the sudden becoming worse than what I'd previously experienced.

Again and again the belt fell, turning my bum a bright shade of red and leaving behind a sting that I could feel turn to heat that just kept growing. With each fall of the belt on my butt, I found myself feeling more and more sorry, more and more chastized - and somehow, in some strange way - more and more free.

The belt fell again. And it fell harder this time. The swats kept coming, and it seemed each one was harder than the last. I felt beside myself from the heat that had now caused my bum to feel as if it was on fire, and yet Daddy held me tight, continuing to correct me.

"You know I care about you sweetie, right?"

"Yes Daddy, I do. I'm so sorry I didn't take proper care of myself. I'm so sorry I didn't respect my rules, and that I didn't recognize that by failing to care for myself I fail to care for the people around me." The words poured out of my mouth as if the belt was a truth serum.

Daddy swung a leg over mine and locked me in place, then stroked my head gently before pressing his free hand in to my back. He raised the belt and brought it down with as much force as was possible.

SPLATTTT!!!!

I burst in to tears, feeling helpless and contained and relieved all at once. All of the sudden the burning in my bottom wasn't unbearable - it was a reminder of my Daddy's love. And all of the sudden the intensity of it all was deeply reassuring to me.

"Thank you for loving me Daddy. And for holding me so tight. Thank you for caring so much that you're willing to punish me even when it hurts you too." The words spilled as fast as my mind thought them, and I didn't question my thoughts because I knew they were honest.

"I do love you my precious little one. And I believe in you. I know that you will do better. I wish it didn't take moments like these to encourage you, but I know sometimes you just need to be held tight like this. It's ok sweetie. It will all be ok."

"Daddy?" My sobs slowed and my voice quieted.

"Yes little one?"

"Sometimes... sometimes..."

Splattt! Splatttt! Splattt! The belt fell hard, 3 times fast and I just nodded my head because somehow he had known exactly what I was thinking.

"Thank you Daddy. I don't like spankings like these. But I need them sometimes. And I don't want to get spanked with your belt again anytime soon, but I have a feeling it will be needed again some day. And I can accept that."

I fell silent, and Daddy scooped me up in to his arms and hugged me. We sat that way, him and I. Me pressing my head in to his chest and drifting peacefully now that I had a clean slate, and him holding me tight and rocking me gently.

I woke in the morning tucked in to my bed, very aware of my still hot bottom, but with a smile on my face. My butt was sore, but I was so full of love that I had no complaints. It was good to feel full of love and give someone else control. It felt good to be a protected and loved little girl. And however many sore bums it might take to keep me in my proper place, it was fine by me.

Hardwired?

2011-08-08T17:41:00.000-06:00

Every so often I come to a crossroads - a point where there is a push for more progress with S. In some cases that crossroads happens because I'm at a point where I need it. At other times it happens because Daddy sees an opportunity and doesn't want me to miss it. Sometimes it happens for other reasons. Whatever the cause may be, I am at one of those crossroads right now, and it is a tough one.

I developed an attitude over the weekend. One that was rather self-righteous and entitled, and led to me giving out attitude. I could see what I was doing - I knew that I was acting in a way I shouldn't be. I knew it wasn't fair to S. And yet I couldn't seem to stop myself. After a comment full of extra attitude, I felt bad and apologized, and actually bent over in front of S in a way that invited him to give me a good solid swat. Had he done it, I would've felt chastised - if I'm honest with myself I know that I actually would have found him taking me up on the offer a little embarrassing at the time and it would've fixed my attitude. Instead, he didn't swat me and simply made a comment about how I'd like that and he didn't think he should reward me. I was frustrated - and in some ways disappointed too I think, because in that moment, I had really needed to feel his strength - I'd really just needed him to put up a great big red stop sign and stop me in my tracks and point out how ridiculous my attitude was and that I should just stop it.

I realize even as I write this that it in some ways sounds ridiculous. I know that there are those out there who would accuse me of being a grown woman who was looking for someone else to solve a problem that I should be able to figure out for myself and that I shouldn't be looking to somebody else for that support. And yet it's not that I'm looking for someone to fix me - I'm not broken! But sometimes I need to be stopped. I'm a passionate person - and part of that passion - part of what makes me who I am, is that I'm sensitive. It also means that I can be prone to over-reacting to things sometimes, or to getting focused on the wrong things.

I know this about myself. And I know that on the whole I'm a very lovable person who is kind and gentle to the people around me and gives freely of myself. But as with most good people, I still have my own struggles - things that sometimes cause me problems - not for lack of trying, but because I'm human. And sometimes I hang on to the things that upset me.

Before Daddy, I was bad for sometimes holding on to things for days and weeks. I would sometimes stagnate in the frustration because I was so sure that I was right - or I felt the need to prove that I was right, that I would get hyperfocused on whatever "wrong" was bothering me. And sadly enough, I felt justified in it.

The truth is - these little things that I used to hyperfocus on from time to time? They were just that - little things. They weren't things worth my time and effort and upset. They sometimes weren't even things worth giving a second thought to.

I have learned a lot in my journey in TTWD. Submission has freed me to be myself without worry. It has freed me to cry without feeling guilty, and to get angry without worrying that I'll cross over a line. It has freed me in other ways too, but it's probably impossible to begin to explain them all. I think most of all, it has taught me that I'm not alone in this world - that I can count on other people to be there for me in times of need. It has made me a better friend, a better wife, and a better person.

TTWD fills a need that I can remember having for a long time, but that I never had the words to define properly because I felt it was unacceptable. I have long felt the need for containment - expectations, consequences. And that was back before I ever learned about domestic discipline or anything else related to TTWD. That was back before I'd accepted my own need to be spanked even. And that need - back then, when I couldn't understand it, was confusing for me. I spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with it - how I - an adult, could feel the need to be held within a specific set of expectations and just stopped when I was pushing something too far. Sometimes I wondered how other people went through life without having someone who expected the best from them no matter what - someone who challenged excuses and even punished when needed.

In fact - now that I think about it, I think that way back then I had an idea of what domestic discipline was even if I didn't have a name for it or a clue about the concept of it. I felt my need to just sometimes be stopped in my tracks and re-directed. I felt my need for a strong leader - one who would listen to my thoughts and respect me - but who would watch out for me as well. One who was able to see that when I had those moments of bad attitude and weakness, that it wasn't because I wanted to, but because something kicked in that made me act in a way I truly didn't want to.

I still sometimes struggle with these moments - I struggle with the concept of being aware that I've started down a path I don't want to be on, and yet not stopping it until Daddy makes me stop. I don't question that it works - I don't question that it improves my life, but I've never quite managed to figure out the why or the how. It's just inside me.

And so this is what I struggle with. After the attitude on the weekend, I realized how deep my need for correction is when I know I've behaved in a way that isn't fair or respectful. I've realized that correction puts those little things behind me and allows me to move forward without the burden of past mistakes. In many ways, it's like pushing a re-set button. Kind of like how a computer can only run for so long before needing to be re-started or how you need to periodically clear the cache in your browser to keep it operating the way it's intended. I think my butt is the reset button to my attitude and actions at times.

As I sit here and write this, I realize that TTWD - submission, being spanked, held accountable - all of these things fill needs that I have long had, but not known how to meet. It is simply how I am. And sometimes, the best thing to do is to quit worrying about what may or may not make sense to others and just accept myself the way I am. I am an adult who needs to be spanked from time to time just to have that reset button pushed. I am an adult who sometimes enjoys being spanked, and sometimes really doesn't enjoy being spanked but appreciates the end result.

I am fully capable and fully functioning, but giving control to somebody else in the areas that I struggle, and then obeying them, makes me a better person. It rounds me out and allows me to grow. I need to be reset from time to time, and I can think of a lot worse reset methods than spanking. In fact, spanking may be one of the most constructive out of all the ones I can come up with.

As my Daddy said to me yesterday, my need to be spanked is part of who I am. I may not be able to fully explain it, but I know that it just is. And so now the challenge becomes figuring out how to get S to understand it well enough that he doles out a good solid smack on the butt when I start with attitude.

If someone had told me 5 years ago that expectations and consequences led to increased security and feelings of contentment and safety I wouldn't have believed them. But I sure know it now and I just hope that with Daddy's help I can find a way to explain my need to S in a way that he understands and leads to him increasing his control.

This crossroads is a scary one for me because I am so afraid of failing to explain myself well to S. But it is a necessary one. And I can only hope that as much good comes out of it at the end as the very first time I asked S to spank me.

Lazy girls get spanked

2011-08-01T18:47:00.001-06:00

My legs trembled slightly as I stood in the corner listening to Daddy rustle around in the drawer. I knew what drawer it was - it was the drawer of butt correction as I'd unofficially named it. Everything inside of it had been put there with the intent of using it on my bottom at some point or another.

I clasped and re-clasped my fingers, trying hard to not shift position so that my punishment wasn't worsened. I couldn't help but wonder how I got myself in these situations and then I started thinking about my reason for being in the corner and the coming spanking.

It had been a lazy day, and while Daddy had left me only a few minor tasks to do for the day, he came home to find me still in my jammies. My hair was uncombed and I hadn't showered yet, and I was sprawled on the couch watching soap operas. I knew Daddy didn't feel little girls should be watching soap operas - he felt there were better ways I could pass my time and that the nonsense the girls in those shows often displayed did nothing but show me bad habits. He didn't mind the occasional one, but the last time we'd discussed the issue he'd made it clear that he didn't want me spending all day in front of the tv watching nothing but soap operas.

And yet there I had been when Daddy came home - sprawled on the couch and glued to the tv, watching a soap opera and not having done so much as changed out of my jammies or combed my hair. His voice had echoed in the hall when he had said "young lady" and I knew then that I was in trouble. I just hadn't thought that I might get over-involved in the show and then lose track of time.

Daddy had wasted no time in grabbing me by the arm and marching me over to the corner where he rapidly pulled my pants and panties down so they sat around my ankles. And so there I was - bare bottomed and listening to Daddy decide what he was going to spank me with.

My eyes watered and I wished I could go back to the beginning of the day. I wished I could erase the lazy feeling I'd gotten up with and that I had just gotten everything done first thing so that I could've relaxed without getting in trouble. I wished that I'd been more mindful of how the time was passing and that I'd obeyed Daddy. I wished that I had at least tried to complete even just one of my tasks. But I hadn't, and there was no changing the facts. I couldn't even argue or disagree with Daddy because I knew that I'd been a naughty little girl.

My tummy did flip flops as I heard the sound of wood bumping against wood and then something smoother being pulled out. Then Daddy took me by the arm and gently spun me around to face him. He led me over to the couch where he had a blanket covering the implements, and then he took my face in his hands and looked deep in to my eyes.

"Little one, I love you and I only want what's best for you. You know that I don't like having to punish you, and I want you to know that spanking you like this breaks me up inside. Moments like this are the hardest parts of being Daddy - I want to love and protect you and keep you safe. And spanking your little bum until you can't sit is so hard for me to do. I do it because I love you and believe in you. And I do it because you need to have that strong guiding hand. But I don't enjoy it sweetie and if I never had to punish you again, I wouldn't complain."

I nodded my head, my eyes filling with tears and feeling so sorry for having put Daddy in the position I did and for letting him down. I hated letting Daddy down. I liked making him proud. I felt good when I obeyed and listened. I felt so proud of myself when he told me he was proud of me. And with those thoughts, tears spilled out on to my cheeks.

"I can see you understand my sweet girl," Daddy said, and with that he swiftly pulled me over his knee and locked one leg over top of my legs. He cinched an arm tight around my waist, leaving me unable to kick, squirm, or move in any other way, and my tummy sank further and further.

SWAT! His hand fell firmly on my bum and I let out a little squeak of surprise. I had expected more lecturing before the spanking began, and it made me realize that Daddy was wasting no time in getting down to business.

SWAT! SWAT! SWAT! SWAT! SWAT! SWAT! SWAT! SWAT! His hand took on an even rhythm and he used the full surface area of his hand as a paddle. I could feel the heat building already and I flexed my legs wanting desperately to kick and squirm but feeling myself held tight.

"Hold still and take your spanking like a good girl. You know that you deserve this, don't you little one?"

"Y-y-y-yes Daddy. I do. I know I deserve it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have sat in front of the tv all day. I'm really sorry Daddy."

"I know you are sweetie, but you need something to remind you of just how bad an idea it is to be lazy like this without reason and disobey me. Whether you intended to disobey or not, your lack of obedience WAS disobedience."

Daddy's words sunk in to me and I hung my head lower, realizing that I had messed up pretty bad and that my poor bum was going to pay the price.

Daddy grabbed me by the hips and shifted me slightly so that my bum was higher and stretched tighter. I heard a rustle of fabric and then CRACCKKK! The wood on my skin instantly burned and ached all at the same time and I gasped in pain.

CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! Daddy focused on my sitspots and I felt my bottom lighting up like it was on fire. It was throbbing and achy and itchy all at the same time and I couldn't help but try to reach back and grab it with my hand despite knowing better.

Instantly, Daddy took my hand firmly in his and set the paddle down for a moment, then grabbed my other hand and pressed both hands together on my back where he firmly pinned them and wrapped some soft fabric around my wrists making me unable to move them at all. Then he cinched his arm around me tighter being sure to make sure my hands were caught as well, and he picked up the paddle again.

"Young lady," CRACCCKKK! "You know better than to reach back when you are being paddled." CRACCCKKK! "You could get yourself hurt if you reached back just as a swat was landing." CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! "Your bum will hurt and you will suffer for a few days, but you will not be harmed. Your hand - on the other hand?" CRACCKK! "Your hand could be damaged by the paddle." CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKK! "I intend to correct you - not damage you. I will not allow you to cause yourself harm either."

I whimpered and broke in to tears. My bum hurt already and the paddle was landing with as much force as Daddy could use. He hadn't even finished spanking me for my laziness, and I went and got myself extra swats for throwing my hand back.

The paddle continued to fall harshly after Daddy finished lecturing me and I was sure that my bum must be a dark red surface by now and I hoped that the spanking might be over soon.

The swats stopped and Daddy placed the paddle on the ground so that it was directly in my line of sight while I was held over his knee. My bum was throbbing, I felt horrible, and I had to look at the implement which had caused the throbbing in the first place. I heard fabric moving again and knew that Daddy was pulling out another implement. I heard a *snap* and *swish* in the air and trembled, then went limp and just stared at the paddle.

"Are you a lazy little girl?"

"No, Daddy. I'm not usually." I answered in a quiet and subdued voice, trying hard to not wail and beg for mercy.

"But you were today, weren't you young lady?"

"Yes Daddy, I was a lazy little girl today." I hung my head further but the paddle only became closer to me and reminded me with each passing second that Daddy wasn't finished with me yet.

"And what do lazy little girls get?"

"They.... they..." I trailed off, hating to say it out loud.

"Answer me now young lady. Do not dawdle over this." Daddy accentuated his words with a sharp hand swat to the center of my bum.

"Lazy little girls... they get spanked Daddy. So that they remember to not be lazy. But - I've learned my lesson Daddy. I've been spanked and I hurt and I promise I won't do it again Daddy. I promise I won't be a lazy little girl again." I begged, hoping that I could make the spanking end sooner.

"You're right young lady, lazy little girls get spanked. In fact, they get spanked so hard that they don't want to sit - and then they get made to sit on their little bums so that they remember just how unpleasant it is to be lazy."

And with that, Daddy released my legs from his grip and stood me up, still holding me by the elbow. He stood and led me towards a kitchen chair that was turned around so it was backwards to the table. He placed a pillow on the chair and then helped me up on to the chair and then shifted me forward so that my bum was exposed and my upper body rested on the kitchen table. I watched as he took a long strip of fabric and looped it around the table, leaving it so that an end was on each side of the table, and then removed the soft fabric that had held my wrists together.

"You will hold your position, or I will hold you in position with this fabric restraining your wrists," he pointed to the strip of fabric he had wrapped around the table. "I strongly suggest you don't find out what happens to little girls who can't hold still."

He walked to the side of the table so that he could look me in the eyes and showed me a strip of leather. Lifting it up, he rippled it and then cracked it on itself, and I jumped slightly.

"Please Daddy, please don't use the strap on me. Oh please Daddy, not that. Please? Please? Please!?" I begged desperately, knowing it was pointless and yet hoping that I could convince him.

"No young lady, you are going to feel your mistake and bad judgement. And you are going to feel it for a good long time. You are going to remember this any time you feel lazy and it is going to make you jump in to action. I will not have a repeat of this complete disobedience and pure laziness."

Daddy stepped back to the side and pressed his free hand in to my back while getting a solid grip on the strap in his other hand. My bum arched out in a most vulnerable position as he pressed on my back and I found myself going limp and accepting that I deserved this spanking and now it was time to take it like a good little girl.

SPLATTT! The first swat landed across the center of both cheeks and creating a searing patch of flesh that quickly moved from stinging hot to a hot that simultaneously ached and burned.

SPLATTT! Daddy aimed for my sitspots this time and left another strip of red flesh.

I trembled and forced myself to hold still, not wanting to find out what would happen if I moved.

SPLATTT! SPLATTT! SPLATTT! SPLATTT! Daddy worked his way evenly up and down my bottom, turning every inch in to a burning piece of flesh, and all I could do was cry some more. I cried because I was being spanked. I cried because I had been a lazy little girl. I cried because I'd disappointed Daddy. I cried because I had hurt Daddy by not listening to him and bringing a spanking on myself. I cried because I knew that Daddy was hurting inside over having to spank me this hard. And through it all, I held my position like a good little girl because I'd realized that I truly needed to remember this spanking and that Daddy was right about everything.

Daddy placed the strap on the table within my view, and gently rubbed my back for a moment, then he helped me down off the chair and tossed the cushion to the side, then turned me around and guided me in to a seated position on the chair.

I cried freely, the pain of sitting being a reinforcement of my desire to obey Daddy and be a good little girl. The heat in my butt reminded me of why I had made such an effort for so long to avoid being punished and it reminded me of just how unpleasant punishments were. I sat still, watching Daddy and waiting for instructions.

After a few minutes Daddy scooped me up in to his arms and carried me to my bedroom. He laid me on my tummy and gently stroked my hair and spoke softly. "I love you my precious little one. I hate having to spank you like this, but I understand that sometimes it's necessary for you to learn a lesson." He gently patted my bottom and I cringed from the pain that even the gentle love pat made me feel.

"I love you too Daddy. I'm sorry for not listening to you Daddy." I closed my eyes, so exhausted from the punishment that I just wanted to go to sleep.

Daddy reached in to his pocket and pulled out my pacifier and put it in my mouth. "You are my good little girl, precious. All is forgiven and I know that you will do better in the future." He pulled a frilly pink nightgown out of my closet and gently helped me change in to it. "You can sleep without panties tonight little one if it helps you be more comfortable for sleep. I think the nightgown will be easier for you than having pants that rub your poor bottom. You will have to wait until morning for cream, I want you to feel this for awhile."

"Yes Daddy." I nodded my head slowly and sucked the pacifier in my mouth as Daddy took care that my nightgown covered me completely and then snuggled me in to the covers. I put my arms out and wrapped my arms around him in a big hug, feeling grateful for his strength and love.

Daddy sat down on the edge of my bed and rubbed small circles on my back as I drifted off to sleep and despite the sorest of sore bums, I felt like the most loved little girl in the whole wide world and I knew that this would indeed be the end of laziness.

About Bratting

2011-07-28T20:44:00.000-06:00

There are a lot of Doms out there who have zero tolerance for bratting. They feel it's disrespectful and that it should never happen no matter what. And I can respect their opinion, but I'm here to present a different view today. It was one of those lightbulb moments for me - one that changed things for the better I think.

My Daddy has told me in the past that he understands sometimes bratting is a way of asking for a spanking. In one of those conversations - probably over a year ago now, he said to me "I know how to deal with brats." Which was quite clearly translated in to - "I won't judge you or think anything less of you for bratting, but I will spank you for it."

At one point, Daddy actually asked me to try and brat more - to use it to get little spankings instead of having things build to a point where I was just due to have my butt torn up. And I tried - but I just never really could do it. I felt guilty - like I was being disrespectful if I bratted. I knew that wasn't how Daddy felt - but it was just what I had been exposed to so much that I couldn't wrap my head around it being any other way.

Then this past week happened. And to turn a long story short, I bratted on Tuesday. Not just a little bit - but a lot. And I got paddled for it - not just a little, but a lot. But out of the whole experience I learned something...

There is submission in the act of bratting - provided you're not being a mean brat anyways.

Yep - I really just said that - I really just said that bratting can be submissive. In fact, it can actually increase submission. And it is an expression of your submission and need to feel more control.

I bratted my Daddy because I knew that he'd respond. I knew that I'd get spanked over it - I knew that I wouldn't get away with it. And there was even almost a sense of completion in the experience - like a perfect loop had been finished or something.

Tuesday morning I was starting to PMS. I realized that - I realized that some of my reactions weren't really justified for the circumstances, but was still having a bit of a tough time when Daddy came online. Usually I play the "should" game with myself and I struggle. Usually, I struggle to get things done, I fight with myself, I get grumpy. Do you notice something about those last statements? There's a common theme of me trying to get a grip on it by myself because I don't want to take my grumpies out on anyone else. Reasonable, right?

Well Tuesday, I just bratted instead of struggling with myself. And I realized after all was said and done, that my bratting was me giving the struggle to Daddy. The bratting was my way of giving Daddy control and not struggling by myself. I didn't have to use words and figure out what was wrong - I just acted like a brat. And I got spanked harder than I had been in awhile for it - and yet at the end of it all, I felt closer to Daddy, and I felt better about myself and how I'd handled things.

I'm not sure if I'm doing a very good job of explaining it or not, but suffice it to say, that despite the pain of the spanking and the instant regret for my actions that the spanking caused, I feel good about the big picture. It is so much better to give the struggle to Daddy and to just let him deal with me than it is to struggle on my own and be miserable trying to act good when I'm grumpy inside.

It is so truly freeing to not have that struggle - to have been able to just give it to Daddy and have it dealt with even if my bum ended up coming out on the bad end of the deal, that I hope I'm strong enough to do it again the next time I feel myself start to struggle.

I don't see myself making a habit out of bratting - my butt did get spanked pretty darn hard, but I do think it is a tool now that I can use when needed. Daddy was right when he told me he knows how to deal with brats, and I for one am very glad that he is ok with dealing with an occasional brat.

Vulnerability

2011-07-16T15:12:00.000-06:00

I've been doing an excessive amount of thinking about vulnerability lately. Mostly my own need for vulnerability - but also the need to have my vulnerability accepted.

And that is an interesting concept to me, but before I go any further, I should expand on what I mean by accepted in this case. I don't mean acceptance in a general sense - I don't feel that there is any problem with me being vulnerable - I don't feel that Daddy wants me to be strong or that he doesn't want me to be vulnerable. I feel that he accepts the vulnerability when I show it. But I guess I want him to accept it as in use it - as in take it and use it to help and strengthen me. Like the way you might accept a gift I guess?

I've pondered what it is about vulnerability, and I think for me it's really a control thing - I sometimes get scared of being vulnerable. When things are busy and real life is kicking me in the butt, I tend to pull in to "strong" mode - aka "I'm ok, don't worry about me, I can do this." It's not a purposeful thing, but it's just kind of the way I am, and with Daddy being gone at the same time as I had all sorts of stuff going on, it accentuated this I guess.

This strong front works short term, but it stresses me out and makes me high strung and tightly wound as time passes. It makes me yo-yo back and forth and give mixed messages. Inside I long to just let go again and lean on Daddy and S. I long to settle back in to that calm feeling that I have when I'm submissive and accepting. And yet I throw up little walls and I struggle with myself. Almost like it's hard to move past the "I can do this" independence - that is sometimes necessary, and return back to the natural state of things.

And I think this time, because of circumstances, it's been a little harder because I haven't wanted to ask for things that I knew weren't possible. There's something about allowing yourself to feel the vulnerability and the need within it, while knowing that it can't be responded to, that makes it difficult to do. And I think in many ways I was afraid of feeling the vulnerability.

I emailed Daddy with a whole bunch of thoughts today and told him my thoughts about my need to be vulnerable and contained within that. I think in many ways, the need for vulnerability and for him to take it and contain me within it is about a deepening of trust - and a regaining of ground that I seemed to lose over the course of vacation and all the busy stuff that happened.

In many ways I've been going through a similar process with S too, and we finally got some good quality "fun" time in last night that has left me feeling in most ways more balanced. It's also deepened some awarenesses, but these are good things - things I need to get me back on track.

Tomorrow is maintenance day and it will be the first Sunday chat that my Daddy and I have had in 3 weeks. I'm not sure what to expect. But I know that I'll accept it and I know that I need it. It probably won't be the last spanking I need to get me fully back on track... but I think it's going to go a long ways.

Sometimes, I know that I need to be spanked even if I don't want to be. But right now, I've reached the point of wanting to get back on track badly enough that I don't just need to be spanked - I want to be spanked. I want that final reset and to just let the past few weeks wash off me and get left behind in the dust. I want to settle back in to those calm feelings of acceptance and capability that I have when I'm centred and on track. And if part of that involves difficulty sitting? Well, I'm ok with that. I really am.

Attitude

2011-07-15T09:49:00.000-06:00

Trying to get back in to routine following vacation has been rough. I got out of my normal schedule almost completely and on top of that was in different environments with different demands. All of that combined in to making me pull a little bit in to an inner stubborn shell and I've had a hard time breaking free of it.

I've gotten better over the last couple of days, but I still have the sense that I'm pushing Daddy. Almost like I'm unconsciously trying to get a harsh response from him - even though I don't want to have a harsh response. And perhaps my own inability to understand my own reactions right now is leading to me giving mixed signals?

I feel rather frustrated with myself at the moment actually because I've been testing Daddy on things I normally wouldn't test on. And I haven't just been testing... I've been almost playing dumb about it - which is even more out of the norm for me. And I don't have the words to explain exactly what my sense is of what's going on - perhaps it would all be easier if I did, but I feel like I'm searching for an explanation that makes sense and I just can't find an explanation or a simple way to sum things up at any rate.

I know Daddy wants me to feel his strength and use it. I know it's there. I know he's there for me. And maybe it's because I know it's there that I've been doing the testing I've been doing?

The difficulty is, in real life, it would be very easy to take a little girl who was acting the way I've been and just pull her over the knee and tell her to smarten up and then bring her back in line with a good solid spanking. And I think in many ways, what I really am trying to get through all my stupid antics, is that instant "oh no you don't, if you're going to act like that, then I'm going to do this...."

On the current attitude issue - and just general difficulties, I think that I might need to be caught hard. I don't know what that looks like - I think it's really the emotional feeling that I'm looking for more than anything.

I can't really explain why I feel the need for the emotional feeling... I know my Daddy is here. I know that I'm not going to get away with anything - and I haven't gotten away with anything. But maybe in a way I feel like my attempts to be good and get back on track are floundering in the sea - maybe I'm hoping that if I flounder enough Daddy will lift me out of the water, say "enough" and then hold me tight so I can settle in to that security.

And actually, now that I say that, I think I see what my problem is today - I think I see why there's been the 2 steps forward and 1 step back over the last couple days... I'm accepting the containment and security in the moment, but I'm not accepting it deeply enough for me to keep feeling held tight for longer periods of time.

Maybe sometimes little girls just test what we already know? Maybe the extended time with no contact has just made me needy for some strong reinforcement and reminders? Maybe the struggle isn't really a struggle - maybe it's just difficulty embracing my own vulnerability?

I feel like I don't know exactly - all I know is that I need to figure it out - and that I need to let go and not grab on to the remnant pieces again. I feel better when I let go - I'm just having troubles staying there right now it seems. Actually... maybe that's what I need - maybe I need Daddy to expose that vulnerability and expect and demand it. Maybe I need to hear those words "you don't have a choice."

They are things I know... and yet maybe it's just part of the completion of settling back in. Maybe I just need to have little things pointed out to me?

Or maybe I'm just due for a spanking and all these little things are just my way of trying to keep myself mostly settled until the spanking actually happens? I need to let go. Hanging on to little pieces doesn't help me and it isn't fair to Daddy.

I guess I really feel like this is one of those times where I need Daddy's help to get straightened out. And I know he will help me - hopefully this helps him understand a little better what's going on because I've been really struggling with words...

Holidays

2011-07-07T23:38:00.000-06:00

It's a common theme I guess - so busy, hardly time to do anything and blogging just falls off to the wayside. The truth is, much of life has felt like a runaway train for at least a month now and I feel like I'm barely finishing up with one thing when the next thing is starting to come straight for me.

I suppose this is the way of many things in life - perhaps it's just the way life often goes. But right now I'm finding it a little troublesome. Perhaps what I'm finding most troublesome about it at the moment is that it's completely thrown me out of routine - a routine which is truly good for me.

S has been on holidays and we went on a family vacation. I've been up many hours later than normal pretty much every night, and it's led to me starting to get a bit of a sleep deficit. It's actually rather frustrating in a way because I'm able to see what's happening, but when S is off work it's just really really hard for me to fix for some reason.

My Daddy has also been gone on vacation at the same time and I've been missing him. And that's something that will change next week - things will start to get closer to normal next week and I'm truly looking forward to that.

So that's where things have been with me. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth or disappeared - just been swallowed up in real life and haven't had the time or really the desire to blog with everything going on around me. I hope to change that in the next little while though - if nothing else I've had a few ideas for stories rolling around in my mind and I'd like to put some time in to that fairly soon.

Things forgotten

2011-06-11T17:04:00.000-06:00

Do you ever stumble across something that used to be a normal part of your weekly routine and miss it? It maybe hasn't been something you've thought of regularly from the time that you quit doing it, but once you remember it, you miss it?

I had a moment like that this afternoon. I was cleaning out a little bit of emails that for whatever reason hadn't been deleted after being read, and I came across an email from my Daddy with topics for lists of 20 things. This is something that used to be a weekly thing, but was stopped a few months ago.

To be honest, I haven't really thought much about it in the time that has passed since it was stopped. I don't know that I've consciously missed it - and yet stumbling across that email today made me think about it and miss it in a way. I'm not sure what specifically about it gave me a little feeling of longing - and to be honest, I'm not sure if it is partly spurred by my Daddy being away for work right now and being around much less than normal, or if it is a case of truly missing it...

But it's gotten me thinking about things that I miss - but I don't realize I'm missing until it's pointed out to me or until something reminds me of it. I think exercise is one of those things. I used to have a rule regarding exercise and doing it, but it was dropped because of me resisting it - because I didn't care enough about it to put in an effort without being told that it was important and because Daddy didn't want to punish me repeatedly for it.

I've never disagreed with Daddy's decision about that. I've understood exactly why he made the decision and I respect that it was his to make. There are times where I miss having an exercise rule - times where I know that I would benefit from going out on a good fast walk while listening to music and just settling my mind. I know the effect that exercise has on my mind and body. I know how it makes me feel - and I know that it's good for my body. And yet when it comes to motivation? In the absence of a rule, I just can't seem to get past thinking about how I "should" do it and actually make myself do it.

This has been harder for me lately - the weather is nice and it's perfect for walking. In some ways I've been busy and walking just has been the last thing on my mind. But in others, I've just been plain lazy to the point where the "want" and "longing" for it has decreased. I realize that it makes no sense that I could both want and long to exercise and yet not manage to get myself out there and actually go for a walk. It's a pretty simple action - doesn't really take all that much effort or time... and yet I haven't done it. I don't even have a reason for not doing it other than I just haven't found the motivation.

And therein lays the problem - if I'm not motivated - if I don't care enough about something to continue doing it even when I don't have to - especially when it's something that doesn't hurt me if I don't do it, then it's understandable that my Daddy wouldn't want to have to enforce a rule that I struggled against all the time.

I think in some ways I wish to have exercise rules back again, and yet I'm afraid to ask for them. Daddy told me that if I do ask for them, I need to have a plan in place for how I'm going to do it - he doesn't want to have to spank me repeatedly over this, and if I commit to it, he's going to hold me to it. And maybe that's what I'm afraid of? Maybe I know it's what I need, and yet in some ways I'm afraid of being held to something that I sometimes just don't want to make time for?

In fact, I wonder if my resistance to exercise is just an extension of the struggles I have with managing my time sometimes - that I just simply don't want to give up time where I could be doing something else, to exercising. If that's the case, it's kind of sad... I know I need to make my health a priority. I do well in so many other areas, and yet I've just never stayed active without the encouragement of someone else.

It makes me wonder if I just hide behind excuses when it comes to exercise - if it's a case of trying to make myself want to do something that I truly wish I didn't have to do. From time to time, I even wonder if it's a case of me thinking I'm just "too good" to need to exercise. Which I know sounds super ridiculous, but sometimes the truth makes no sense whatsoever.

In this case, I don't know what the truth is. And my inability to decide on exercise - or to even get out and do little bits of exercise in the meantime, has just led to inaction and avoidance of the topic.

I'm a good girl. And if I'm honest with myself, I think I know what the right answer is in terms of action anyways - whether I understand my reasoning over the last few months or not... The question is, am I strong enough to do it? Am I being stubborn over this issue without being consciously aware of it? Is it something I need to do just to remove the resistance surrounding it?

In the end, the reason behind the resistance doesn't really matter. But it does matter that if I ask for help with exercise that I am ready to fully submit on the issue and accept whatever comes of it. And I think that's the point that has me confused - is this a submission issue? Or is it something else? I feel like these are things I need to answer in order to discuss the whole topic with Daddy again - and yet I get lost trying to figure it out.

Honesty is hard sometimes. And when that honesty simply shows you that you don't understand your own motivations or reasons, it's a bit bothersome. I feel like I need to understand those things before discussing exercise again. The "right" answer doesn't really matter if it's one that I'm going to struggle to follow. And I'm not sure if I'm past the point of struggle yet. :(

I do wish this is something I didn't have to decide on and figure out for myself. I do wish that I'd have my choice taken away in the matter - I know what's best for me, I just don't know what's stopping me from asking for it on this issue.

Slowing down

2011-06-06T18:03:00.000-06:00

Last week was crazy and stressful for me, and I got in to a pattern of trying to be strong for myself and trying to hold things together on my own. It was exhausting for me and I really didn't feel much like myself. It was difficult for my Daddy and S as well.

Things are pretty much back to normal now. I've found my "place" again and am keeping myself focused on staying settled in it. After a week of no spankings I had maintenance yesterday and then got my bottom spanked thoroughly again today. And I'm finally feeling the most normal I've felt in weeks. Granted I have a sore butt that I'm guessing isn't going to feel better for a few days... but I feel warm, loved, held, and secure.

Perhaps most of all, I feel relieved. I could feel how out of place I was starting to get, and yet I had been unable to fix it myself - or to even really see what was going on. I've realized a few things through all of this...

I need to get better at transitioning between the different roles I have in different areas of my life. I can't let the stress of being in charge in one area overcome me to the point where I struggle submitting at home.
I need to remember that even when I have less contact with Daddy than normal, that he is still holding me tight and is still in control
I need to remember that the rules Daddy gives me are his control and that when I don't follow them I am effectively struggling against Daddy.
I need to remember how much better I feel when I know I'm being a good girl and listening to Daddy - and how much better I feel when I'm being a good little submissive wife and keeping the right attitude with S.

It's hard sometimes to wrap my head around the concepts of submission and the role it plays in my "public" life. It's easy to see the different things at home. But when I'm out in the big wide world and am in a position of power over others, it's hard to still keep that submissive current alive underneath it all.

And I think that's my biggest struggle right now - feeling my submissive nature even when in a position of power isn't as easy as when S is Dominating me or Daddy is talking to me.

I know my natural place. I know where I feel the most calm and serene - I have no doubts over my submissive nature. And I guess that's why I feel bad when I can't "feel" my submissiveness. My submissiveness is almost like a warm fuzzy blanket. When I'm wrapped up tight inside it, all is right with the world and I have no doubts or stress. And I think that was a big part of the stress last week - I couldn't feel my submissiveness the way I normally do. I was too "in control" in public life and it overshadowed home life too.

I'm lucky that I'm able to stay at home most of the time and the situations where I'm in charge aren't a routine thing. This is a challenge I need to overcome, but it's not one that's going to be cropping up regularly either.

Does anyone else have difficulty flowing between roles if you're the person "in charge" out in public life? Has it gotten easier over time? Any hints or tips I might use for the future?

Perfectionism

2011-05-26T16:34:00.000-06:00

Perfectionism - it's a trait lots of people have. It's one I've had and dealt with on a semi-regular basis much of my life, but I thought that I was past it for the most part - or that I didn't allow it to effect me the same way at any rate.

And then today happened...

I've been a bit twisted up over the last week. I'd been blaming the stress of what's coming up next week, but it turns out it was more than that. It was something deeper - something that goes straight in to the core of my being and that influences how I define myself and view myself.

I consider myself to have pretty good self esteem. Things happen and I sometimes feel bad about them, but underneath it all I've known I'm a good person. I believe in myself - and have even been known to get mad when somebody doesn't believe in me or tries to say I've done something that I'm not capable of having done.

Yesterday I told Daddy that I felt like I was due to be spanked. I was puzzled by this feeling because S. had spanked me hard on Saturday night, and then I'd had maintenance since then, so my bottom was still sensitive - and yet something was twisted up inside of me making me feel like I needed to be spanked to unwind and let go of whatever it was. And so I was told that today I would get spanked.

Today's spanking wasn't physically the hardest I've ever had, but I think you could accurately say it's the most emotional one I've ever had. Daddy saw beneath some of the things that had been going on the last week - little things that I'd been worrying about that really weren't worth worrying about, combined with unconscious testing of him, and he got to the bottom of things - no pun intended.

Long story short, I realized something part way in to the spanking - I'd been focused on little mistakes because I largely defined myself by my successes. And subsequently, mistakes or even worries of mistakes were unsettling to me. They presented a picture different from the way I saw myself - or the way I wanted people to see me.

It feels funny in a way, repeating this now that I've put some thought in to it, but the realization was a very stark one - very sudden, and very emotional.

Daddy has always told me that it is not for me to judge myself - that if he's not worried about it then I shouldn't be worried about it. And it suddenly struck me - I was seeing myself in a way that other people didn't see me. I was feeling bad about things that other people didn't even know about and probably couldn't have cared less about even if they did know about them.

I realized, that I am not defined by my mistakes or my successes - that it is what motivates a person to try that truly defines a person.

I'm going to use the example of a teacher because it's simple, but you could fill in the blank with most things that people choose to do with themselves. If you are a teacher, do you teach because you find happiness and fulfillment in it? If you do, it doesn't matter if every word comes out perfectly or if you have to explain something a second time in order for the whole class to understand it. And if you don't - then why are you teaching?

I am a good and honest person. I'm frequently motivated by the wish to help others. I'm passionate and loyal. I give of myself freely to the people I care about. I'm persistent (though some would just call it stubborn,) and don't give up on things I believe in. I'm not afraid to challenge myself and look for fact behind fear. I don't believe I'm perfect even when I want things to go right, and I readily admit when I've made a mistake - and then I fix it as best I can.

These are all things I know about myself. These are all things that do define who I am. Whether or not there are mismatched socks in the laundry or supper gets burned are not things that represent who I am as a person.

I am blessed to have people in my life who see me for who I am. Wonderful and beautiful people who don't view me as a series of successes and failures, but as a kind, loyal, and loving person. These are the people who would pick me up and hug me even in the midst of failure. They are the ones who would do what they could to help me get through it. These are the people whom I trust and care about.

I have spent too much time this past week worrying about everything going right. And really, that kind of worry is actually the indirect worry of failure. As my Daddy once had me write in lines, the only time you truly fail is when you fail to try. And I'm trying so I have nothing to worry about.

As far as the heart of the matter goes? I need to let go of the desire to do things right. And most of all, I need to remember that little things don't define me - that it's who I am on the inside and what motivates me that reflects the person I actually am.

I'm human - not perfect or anywhere close to it, and I'm ok with that. S. and my Daddy believe in me. They love me for who I am and don't think less of me when I mistakes. Heck, I sure don't think less of them for making mistakes, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I would ever expect from anyone else?

Daddy warned me that I'd get spanked even worse than today if we have to re-address this topic. I truly hope it doesn't come up again and that I can finish processing this and retain it, but I am reassured knowing that if I do slip and start to worry about the little stuff again, that I will get quickly corrected. The truth of the matter, is that I know this is important for me to recognize and that I need to let go of the perfectionism for not just my own wellbeing, but for my family's as well. And that is so very important that if it takes a few sore bottoms to remind me and reinforce it, I will gladly accept them in the interest of remembering this lesson.

I cried a lot during today's spanking. I cried for how I've affected the people in my life, but I also cried for myself. I cried for the realization that I was allowing myself to be shaped by the worry of failure. I cried because of how unfair it was to the people around me, but also how unfair it was to myself. And I cried because I realized that a lot of the stress that I've had leading up to this coming week has been related to me worrying about failing or having something not go right. I cried because I'd been so consumed by that without realizing it - and yet through the tears I realized it was the root of all the unrest and uneasiness that I'd been feeling the last week.

I asked Daddy to spank the last of everything out of me, and while my butt is sore, my heart is lighter. Cognitively I've seen something new today, and while it may take a bit of time for my heart and feelings to catch up, I am grateful for the insight.

I am defined by the character traits that motivate my actions, not by success or failure. And this is something for me to hold tight to.

Always There (story)

2011-05-22T16:26:00.002-06:00

The words were barely out of my mouth when Daddy grabbed my arms and pinned my wrists together in his large hand. Holding them firmly, he led me to the kitchen where he opened a drawer and pulled out a roll of tape, then quickly taped them together and led me out the back door.

My heart sunk. I knew exactly where I was being led. I knew what was going to happen - maybe not every detail, but I had a rough idea in my head. And I knew that I had no grounds to argue - that I deserved every swat that Daddy decided to give me.

Daddy locked the door behind us as we went inside the woodshed, and immediately pushed me over to the spanking bench. I knew why I was there - I knew that my words were words that a little girl should never speak, and that I knew better.

I felt my pants pulled down to my knees, and then I was positioned on the bench. Daddy stuck an extra wedge under my hips and put a stool under my feet so that I was able to touch the ground on tip-toe only, then he fastened restraints around my waist, arms, and thighs.

I quivered. The silence was unusual. Normally there were words - a lecture. Perhaps a frown. But Daddy seemed matter of fact, maybe even determined. And that's when the reality of what was about to happen sunk in.

"Please Daddy, please - no. Please, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to doubt you." the words tumbled out of my mouth in a hurry - in a last ditch effort to save what was left of my bottom.

Daddy lifted my head to put a soft pillow under it and took my chin by a finger, looking me in the eyes as he spoke. "Little one, whether you meant to or not, you did. And if this is what it takes to settle you down, then this is what you'll get." He pointed over towards a small table where I saw a paddle and a rubber strap laying out.

"Daddy, please! Please Daddy - please?!?" My voice became almost frantic as the predicament I was in sunk in. I was in the wood shed, over the spanking bench, restrained and unable to move, and I was facing a paddle and the rubber strap. Oh how I dreaded the rubber strap. Just the mention of it was usually enough to make me worry and quit doing whatever I was doing that had caused it to be mentioned.

"Enough!" Daddy's voice was firm and I knew there was no going back. He reached over to the side and pulled out a pacifier, placing it in my mouth and effectively stopping me from begging for mercy any further.

I knew it was a signal to quit with my begging. I knew that the soother meant for me to hush and be a good girl and accept my spanking. But oh how I dreaded this spanking.

SWAT! SWAT! Daddy's hand smacked my lower cheeks without any warning, and I involuntarily shifted. The swats were hard, right from the start. And he'd gone straight for the place that he knew always made me break down.

"Now, are you ready to take your spanking like a good little girl?" Daddy reached over and pulled my soother out so that I could speak.

"Yes Daddy. I'm sorry Daddy. I don't know what got in to me. I'll take whatever you feel I deserve Daddy. I'm so very sorry." My voice was shaky and emotional. I felt so bad. I had let my periodic tendency to worry get the best of me and I'd been spinning around in circles, consumed by fear. I'd lost sight of what mattered - what was true. And that on it's own was bad enough - but to worry about Daddy being there for me, that was the tipping point that had led to me ending up with my bum bared and tied to the spanking bench.

"Good girl. I was hoping you would see that right away. It will make things easier for you."

Daddy's voice was calm and sure. It was gentle in a way, but also strict. I knew he meant business. I knew that he had a point to make and that he was going to make it. And perhaps most of all, I knew that my bum was going to suffer for it.

I felt Daddy step away for a moment and heard a few sounds, but before I could figure out what he was doing, he told me with action - CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACKKKKK! CRACKKKKK!

The paddle crashed in to my bare bum with a force that I wasn't accustomed to and I cried out and began to whimper. I moved against the restraints, sure that there was no possible way I could take anymore, but found that they held fast - they weren't going to give.

The fire in my bottom was just starting to die down a little bit when the next set landed. CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACKKKK! CRACKKKK! CRACKKKK! CRACKKKK!

Daddy focused on my sitspots and lower cheeks, periodically laying a hard swat on my upper thighs which made me cry out even more. I struggled against the restraints, unable to contain my own reactions and realizing that I was fighting the spanking despite having told Daddy that I would accept it like a good little girl. I felt like crying over it - and yet I fought it.

There was a pause, and I felt Daddy untie my wrists and the rest of my restraints. I was puzzled for a moment and wondered if that was it - if maybe I'd somehow escaped the rubber strap, but my question was quickly answered when Daddy took me by an arm and led me over towards the side table.

"Bend over" he ordered.

I obeyed, knowing what was inevitable and not wanting to make it any worse than it was already going to be. I leaned down on the table so my elbows were touching it. I felt my bottom throb from the movement and I whimpered softly, but stuck my bottom out the way I knew was expected of me.

"Good girl," Daddy said. He grabbed the rubber strap and set it inches away from my face, then stroked my hair as he spoke to me.

"My dear girl, I know that you sometimes are so very sensitive to the world around you. I know that sometimes your feelings get the better of you and you feel scared or overwhelmed. But I am here to help you in those times sweetie. I am always with you. Always watching, always caring, always loving. Even when I'm not with you, you are in my thoughts, and I will never abandon you or let you go. You're my precious girl - my precious girl whom I love and always want to protect."

Daddy paused for a minute before continuing and it gave me a minute for the words to sink in. He was right of course - I knew he was always there. I knew he loved me and contained me and would protect me as best he was able to. I knew that I was never alone - I knew that he was always there for me. The knot in my stomach began to drain out of me and I felt so bad for my words and actions.

Daddy picked up the rubber strap and before I could even fully register what he was doing, I felt the first swat crash in to my bottom and light it on fire. It was like a strip of fire. Burning so deep I thought it would never stop. And then the next swat hit, followed by another, and another.

Splatt! Splatt! Splatt!! The strap covered the full width of my bottom and Daddy expertly applied swat after swat just below the previous one until my entire bottom was a throbbing mass of red. All I wanted to do was reach back and rub my bottom, but I knew better.

Big tears formed in my eyes and started to silently stream down my face. Any resistance I had felt was gone and I knew that I wouldn't be going anywhere until Daddy decided I could. I knew that every swat I was given was being given as a reminder that Daddy was here with me to guide me and hold me during the good times and the rough times, and despite the horrid pain, I appreciated that I was being shown to never allow another circumstance or feeling to cover up the fact that he was always there for me.

Daddy saw my tears and as if reading my mind, he pulled me up in to a big hug and then led me to the chair and sat me on his lap. His big gentle hands wiped the tears off my cheeks and he pulled me close to him, rocking me gently, his own eyes filled with tears.

We sat in silence, him and I. There would be no time out or corner time this day, but I was held tight. And despite my bottom which was still hot and throbbing, I felt light as a bird and calm as could be. My Daddy really was always there, and I knew that he always would be.

In a tizzy

2011-05-22T13:37:00.000-06:00

I got myself all worked up this morning to a point that was truly ridiculous. I'm not sure that Daddy has ever seen me get worked up in that way, and I'd guess it was probably tough on him watching me bounce around like a bouncy ball inside a jar - contained the whole time, but letting the fear control me and not being able to fully recognize that he was right there holding me the whole time.

You might wonder what happened that led to me getting myself in to such a state, and I can't actually explain exactly what because I don't fully understand it.

S. and I had some good fun last night. In fact, he was more in control during our "fun" then he ever has been in the past, and I got a taste of that true lack of control over myself - lack of control to the degree that I couldn't have taken it back if I wanted to. I was actually physically incapable of it because I was pretty deep in subspace.

And that's really a pretty darn amazing thing. But it was a bit scary too - I think maybe because I knew that S didn't realize that I was unable to say anything - that he didn't realize that he had as much control as he wanted to exercise. And in that moment, it didn't really matter that he didn't know because it's not like we were experimenting with something we'd never done before. But perhaps that lack of control and the awareness of it was increased because I was a bit more "sensitive" and it led to a bit of pain. Maybe that's what really scared me? The pain and knowing that I couldn't stop it because I wasn't able to say what was going on?

I should stop and clarify that the pain wasn't a horrible degree of pain. It was tolerable and disappeared immediately after - I think it was simply my awareness of it all - the fear of knowing I couldn't communicate it to him. Maybe that's really what set me up for getting in a tizzy today?

Whatever the case, I got myself worked up when I was talking to Daddy this morning. And I got to thinking about wanting S to have more control in day-to-day things, but knowing he wasn't there yet. And then I got myself in to this spiral of fear of needing more than what I could possibly have right now and got myself worried that Daddy might step back during the process and then I'd be all alone. And the fear was so strong - so overwhelming, that in the midst of it all I wasn't feeling my Daddy's control. Logically I knew it was there - he even told me so. And yet the fear was the only thing I truly felt. The fear was stronger than logic - stronger than anything I could think of in that moment.

In the end, I realized what was happening. I realized that I was unable to feel the support and control of my Daddy because I was in a tizzy and focused on a fear that wasn't even real. A fear that I had had pop in to my mind and then focused on. A fear based on a very real need - but not based in the reality that my Daddy isn't going to leave me floundering in the areas that S isn't ready for or can't meet yet.

I realized something out of all of this - something kind of interesting given the blog I wrote not too long ago where I talked about believing in not making choices based on fear or letting fear control me... I learned that when I allow myself to get overcome by fear that I lose the ability to feel the bond and support and containment of Daddy. Logically I knew my Daddy was there - that nothing had changed, but I couldn't feel it on the inside because all I felt on the inside was the fear. The fear was so strong, that I was completely incapable of looking at the real situation. I also was unable to do anything but panic over the idea of talking to S further.

Bottom line? In my wild bouncing-around-out-of-control, I couldn't deal with anything. It didn't matter what started it or what caused it, the only way to get out of it was to stop it. And by the time I realized that, some time had already passed and I think it was a bit difficult for Daddy to watch. This isn't something he's ever seen out of me before and I don't think it was very obvious exactly what was going on until it reached the obvious "tizzy" point. Daddy is fair, and doesn't do things out of impulse, so I think in many ways things had to run their course this morning the way they did.

I'm calmer now - realizing that I was overcome by fear and unable to feel anything else was enough to make me release the fear and feel Daddy's strength. I'll talk to S about last night and hopefully some good comes out of it. Even if nothing changes, I know Daddy is right there holding me tight and that I'm not alone. I feel needier right now, but I just have to trust that it will work out ok.

And if this wild flailing ever happens again? I've asked Daddy to stop it fast and hard no matter the cause. There is no benefit in the flailing, only loss of progress on the path that I travel. Like the proverbial bouncy ball in a jar, I need to be grabbed tight and held still so that I can calm and move forward.

I guess the last 24hrs have been a first in a lot of ways, but from new experiences comes learning and growth. And even if I did slide backwards a little bit in the process, I know that everything will be ok. I am held and loved and treasured and cared for. And those are things that aren't going to change. I just need to keep far enough away from the fear to not lose sight of the things I know to be real.

I have my normal weekly maintenance today and while I know I'm going to be a very sore bottomed little girl after, I also know that the traces of my tizzy that are still lurking in the shadows will be gone. And that can only be a good thing.

Perceptions

2011-05-20T14:38:00.001-06:00

There are times when I'm intimately aware that my perceptions may not be the same as somebody else's. There are times when I realize that my opinion is based solely on my own feelings and experiences - and that my perceptions may not accurately reflect what is actually happening.

Today has been one of those days. I've had a perception that I know isn't true, but I've had difficulty fighting it. And just the fact that I've had difficulty fighting it - that it keeps coming back in to my mind where I continue to question if it's fact or just me being over-sensitive, bothers me.

I know that a good long talk with Daddy would put my mind at ease, but he has had a lot of demands placed on him the last few days and we haven't had an opportunity to have a good long talk. These are things that I understand, and yet I still get that niggly worry at the back of my mind.

I'm under a good amount of stress right now in my vanilla life. There are a lot of things that I'm responsible for taking care of at the moment and deadlines are approaching. More things need to be organized and taken care of, and when it comes down to it, I'm really not very good at organizing. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants in some ways. And maybe I actually am... and perhaps, some of this uncertainty in my vanilla life is being projected on to Daddy and making me worry about him being stressed when it's really myself who has a lot of things on the go?

In the end, I'm really not sure. I'm sure that Daddy and I will get a chance to talk about it, but that might not happen until Sunday now that the weekend is here. And that means that in the meantime, I need to just remember that I don't actually have anything to worry about. And I need to remember that I can only deal with one thing at a time. For that matter, maybe I need to put much of this "vanilla" stuff off to the side and not deal with it over the weekend - just because I do the work from home doesn't mean I don't need to take a break from it, and maybe that's just what I need.

The thing about perceptions, is that they can change as you look at a situation and think about it. And in the end, I suspect that my perceptions don't tell the full story in this case. I've been spanked once this week over getting myself all out-of-sorts about "what ifs," so I'm simply not going to let myself worry about unknowns. My Daddy is in control and I know that everything will work out fine.

Dear Daddy

2011-05-19T19:24:00.001-06:00

Dear Daddy,

I could just write this letter to you and send it privately through email, but there are wonderful things about you that I want others to hear about. Sometimes, when I write blogs, I too often write about things going wrong or me being punished or something that I'm struggling with. And that paints a rather lopsided picture. It only lets people get to know one side of me - and in many ways, only one side of you.

I think we've both always known how sensitive I can be, and I know we've always been very inter-linked when it comes to picking up what the other is feeling. In so many ways, it is almost unbelievable considering that we've never met each other in person.

I know that I can be pretty high needs at times - and you never complain about that. It's one of the many things I appreciate about you - that you accept things about me that are just a part of who I am and that you don't try and deny them or minimize them. In fact you even seem to be able to manage it in a way that makes me less needy because I feel secure in how you care for me.

I know that you have high expectations of yourself when it comes to the people that you care about, and I know that you want to always do the best for me that you possibly can. What I want you to know, is that I know you always do your best, and that even on those days where you might feel like it's not as much as what you'd like, it's still enough.

At the end of the day - even on busy days, you are still my Daddy. You still hold me close and make me believe everything is going to be ok. You still spank my butt when I disobey or test you. And You still make time to say hi even when things are going crazy all around you. You don't give up on me even when we've dealt with something over and over - and I don't give up trying because I know you believe in me.

There are times, where I wish that I could hug you and tell you all of this in person. There are times where I wish that you could feel deep in your heart that cuddling me up and then working in silence is enough to keep me happy and held. There are times where I wish that I could hug you and provide even a fraction of the support that you give to me. And there are times, where I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you that I love you just the way you are Daddy. A Daddy is not made by a single day or even a week, a Daddy is how you live your life.

And you live your life as my Daddy. You are my Daddy in my heart and in my mind and I love you so very much. And I hope that these words will wrap you in a hug and comfort the same way that you so often wrap me up with your love and comfort.

You once told me that you would never let me take more than you could give. I want you to know, that I will never expect more from you than what you could give - that you give me everything a little girl could possibly hope for (without meeting IRL anyways,) and that I love you just the way you are. Even on those days where I get clingy and wish for more time, it's not a bad thing. I'm patient and can wait until things have calmed down a little bit. And seriously - being cuddled up and held is sometimes the best thing in the world.

*smiles at you and wraps my arms around you so very tight, hoping that you find as much hope and love in this letter as what I've tried to give you.*

Your loving little one.

Living outside of fear

2011-05-15T00:57:00.001-06:00

There are many things I can think of that I fear. Some more than others, some more important than others. There are the little things - I fear bugs that are small and fast moving, but I don't think about it on a regular basis - just when something catches me by surprise and gives me a little freak out.

On the other hand, a big fear is losing the people that are important to me. I worry about S, and I worry about my kids too. It's not a constant thing, but when the unexpected happens, worry is pretty much instant. There are times when I worry for no good reason at all too... I'm sure those are normal things, but there are times where it's hard to step away from the fear and make decisions based on fact.

All that being said, I believe in not making decisions based on fear. I believe in making them based on facts whenever possible - and that if a person is willing to face their fears and look for facts, the fears often lose their power.

Unfortunately though, it's very hard to find fact when it comes to feelings. I've been thinking on this tonight - thinking on a fear that ebbs in to my mind a little bit from time to time - fear of losing my Daddy. Luckily in this case, I have facts to counter the fear. I can focus on the facts, and stare the fear in the face and make the conscious decision to live through the fear and not let it influence my actions or decisions. But it's not easy at times and in a way I feel annoyed with myself when the fear ebbs it's way back in. In a way, I feel like if I've faced the fear once, that I shouldn't have to face it again. I feel like if I've made the decision to trust, then the edge of fear shouldn't come in to my mind.

But tonight that edge of fear came in to my mind, and I had to remind myself of facts. I had to remind myself of the trust I have in my Daddy and that the fear itself wasn't something I needed to worry about. I had to remind myself that time is going to pass and the fear will become a distant memory.

I feel upset with myself in a way. Frustrated that dealing with the fear already wasn't enough to stop it from edging back in in a moment of tiredness. And I guess in a way I worry that my Daddy is going to feel like the edge of fear is lack of trust when that's really not it at all - it's actually trusting my Daddy and thinking of the things we've talked about this past week that let me move through the fear and reminded me of being safe and secure.

Things have gotten a million times better between my Daddy and I. They are positive, and I'd really thought there wasn't any fear left. What I want to do is - and probably even need to do, is cling to my Daddy and let him help me through the fear when it hits, and I actually think that's the best course of action. Even irrational fears sometimes need to be voiced and dealt with, right?

Whatever the case may be, writing about my fear has been enough for me to remember what matters. To remind myself of the facts, and to know that my Daddy is here for me now and that he's a man of his word. I don't doubt my Daddy.

One thing that I have learned over the years is that most fears are more powerful when you focus and think on them, and that in the vast majority of the case they are gone after a good night's sleep or talking about them. And I think this is the reason that I don't worry about the fear regularly re-appearing. I think it's the reason why I consciously can choose to just ride it out and focus on what's important to give myself the reassurance in the moment.

In some ways I wish I wasn't writing this blog because my fear at present is hurting my Daddy by admitting that there was some fear that came in to my mind tonight. But in many ways, I think that just admitting this fear is an act of trust, and it's one that I need to make. Because I do trust my Daddy, and I know that he wouldn't want me to keep those moments to myself - in fact, I think dealing with it on my own would be robbing both of us of an opportunity for growth and further strengthening.

And it's with that knowledge that I've chosen to publish this blog. Because he needs to know, and I need to tell him. And because I know that everything will be all right because he is here for me. He has me tight, and he's not going anywhere. And these things, are things I know beyond the shadow of a doubt. I am loved and valued and believed in.

Which reminds me of a song that my Daddy will know exactly the meaning behind... it's from the chorus of Jimmy Eat World's song, The Middle - "it just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything, will be just fine, everything, everything, will be all right, all right."

Everything really will be all right, of that much I am sure.

So excited

2011-05-09T19:34:00.000-06:00

Ok, well maybe there's a smidge of nervous mixed in with my excitement, but overall I'm really excited for tomorrow. My Daddy has been gone for a short bit on a vacation, and while I have done ok, I am really longing for a wonderful hug and to just be snuggled up right now.

Do any of you remember that feeling you used to get as a kid right before Christmas? That feeling that made you so excited on the inside that it practically got you worked up in to an excited and impatient tizzy to the point where it was hard to go to sleep Christmas Eve? I feel excited in that sort of way. Part of me almost wants to go to bed early tonight just so tomorrow can get here - and those of you who know me and bedtime know exactly how much that's saying, lol.

I know tomorrow is going to be a busy day for my Daddy and it may not be a normal day, but I'm looking forward to talking to him and finding out how his trip was and hearing all about everything that he saw and did while he was gone.

There's an issue or two that I know are going to have to be discussed, and that's the little bit of nervous that's mixed in - but overall, I know that everything will be ok. I know that even if there's trouble for a couple things, that it'll be over and done with soon enough and able to be left in the past, and then there will be only positive things to look at after that.

And I'm really looking forward to being held tight by my Daddy and just re-connecting with him. So while I may have regret that there's anything needing to be addressed, I don't dread it because I'm just really looking forward to him being back and talking to him. Because when I really think about it, I've sure missed him.

Settling

2011-05-06T09:44:00.000-06:00

I had been having some difficulty with getting settled again when I wrote my last blog post, but things improved the very next day. And I think that both my Daddy and I get credit for the improvement.

I did some thinking about the comment on the last blog, and came to realize something after the fact - that different relationships have a different balance in terms of submission. My Daddy and I are not M/s and never will be anywhere close to that - while I fully respect those who choose to live that way, it's not what is right for me, and it's simply not how my Daddy and I relate to each other.

The wonderful things about TTWD is that everybody can do things the right way for them - I don't expect my end relationship with S. to look identical to what my Daddy's relationship with his wife looks like. And I try hard to not have a lot of expectations when it comes to what the future relationship between S and I will look like, rather I try to plant seeds that allow our relationship to evolve in to it's natural form - one that feels right for both of us and is just part of our life.

So with that in mind, I realized that the balance of who is responsible for keeping the submissive feeling focused isn't the same in a M/s relationship as it is in a D/s relationship, and neither of those are the same as a Daddy/little girl (D/lg) relationship. I think in each of these different relationships there are different balances - different feedback loops. And I think there are variances even when it comes to different relationships which share the same general dynamic. To clarify my thinking - I think the feedback loop from one D/s couple to the next D/s couple probably isn't identical even though they both have the same general D/s dynamic.

My challenging myself when I wrote that blog led to me opening myself to try and get back in touch with my submissiveness - it put me in a state of being more accepting of direction from my Daddy - and of receiving his guidance and support in a different way. It was enough to complete the loop so that I could obey which in turn made both of us feel better about the way things were improving and reinforced the loop to further strengthen and reinforce my own sense of submissiveness and how settled I felt. I can't speak for him, but I think he probably experienced a similar positive effect.

I have since asked myself if it would've been possible for my Daddy to have approached me with a heavy hand and effectively dealt with me that way. And yes, that would've been a possibility - but I may have become reliant on that heavy hand to feel submissive instead of waking up the seed inside myself that allowed myself to act naturally and be better with the people around me.

In some relationships, a heavy hand or stronger expression of Dominance until the submissive is back in the right mind space would be effective and would be right for that dynamic and relationship. But in the case of my Daddy and me, that wasn't the best course of action. We were both healing - both finding our way to a certain degree. And whether it fits with the experiences of others or not, it was right for us. It maintained the gentle love in our relationship that reminds me of how my Daddy knows when to spank me and when to hold me, when to push me and when to let me rest and think things through.

My Daddy is on vacation right now, one that I hope he is enjoying immensely. And while I miss him, I am not panicked or worried about going days without talking to him. I know how to get through from day to day, and I'm still making effort in my attitude with S as well as making extra effort to share things that will hopefully in the end just bring us closer. I have my rules, and while I have had mixed success with them, I am making an effort with them and have improved immensely.

So things are on the up swing, and I figure every blog needs a positive post when things are going better. I tend to write when something is needing to be worked through in my mind, and when things are going well I don't feel the urge to write the same way. But I think it's important to share the good things too, so today's blog is a little bit of theorizing combined with a positive update. :)

Take a deep breath

2011-05-02T15:26:00.001-06:00

These are the words I'm telling myself right now. I'm struggling with patience today and feeling unreasonably irritable. I know that this irritable is unreasonable and that it's coming in response to questions that are being asked of me that wouldn't be a big deal if I'd actually dealt with our household budget already... And I know my inability to answer the question is what's raising my frustration level - but it doesn't make me feel any better and doesn't make it any easier to try and just let the frustration run off of me. I guess this is one of those instances where I should be glad for text messages and their inability to portray frustration?

I've been fairly productive with housework overall, but it took a lot of coaxing from my Daddy to get me moving. Coaxing which I really shouldn't have needed - but I guess I just was having some motivational issues this morning too. (And on that note, yes, my Daddy and I have worked some things out. Things won't be exactly the same, but I'm sure everything will be fine in the end.)

I feel like I'm getting back on the right track, but that it's not as simple as I had hoped and right now it's taking an atypical amount of effort.

I know who I am on the inside. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to get back to "feeling" who I am on the inside. It seems like 2 steps forward and 1 step back right now - and while that may be normal, it's hard for me because I don't like to fail - and the difficulty in just getting back in to regular routine feels like failure. It feels like something that just plain shouldn't be happening.

I think what makes this even harder, is that last week would've been a hard week even if the stuff between my Daddy and I hadn't occurred - and this would've still ended up being a "back-on-track" week. So I guess in a way it's understandable why today has felt hard. I just wish that I could quit struggling with myself.

I know what I need to do - I need to reach inside myself and fully open myself up to my submissiveness again. But I think that might be part of what the struggle is. Even with being open and honest with my Daddy, I haven't felt an instant return of submissiveness. I have that connection back - I feel the submissiveness lurking in the background and it's stronger and almost normal in some moments. But I'm not fully feeling it yet in the "normal" sort of way. And I'm not sure how to change that - if it's just going to take time or if I need to actively do something to change it so that I can once again feel it the way that I'm accustomed to.

It's actually really important to get my full submissive awareness and feelings back, because I need to feel in touch with my submission on a deeper level when it comes to S since he's not giving direction at this point. And acting submissive when the person on the other end doesn't even know what it is and doesn't respond to it isn't exactly easy. The problem is, I don't quite know how to get it all back or reach back in to that part of myself and free it from whatever is preventing me from fully feeling it. And when it comes down to it, I'm not sure if it's something that I can do independently or not.

Anyone have some advice on this?

Learning to flow

2011-04-30T16:58:00.000-06:00

For the time being, I am going to refer to my old Daddy simply as my Daddy. Please know that I am not using this to describe the Daddy role, but rather as his name. It is the way I think of him the same way as my own father is dad. We've discussed this, and he is ok with it. I just wanted to clarify that right off the bat here to try and prevent any confusion.

My Daddy once said to me "You just flow little one, it won't drown you, it's just passing over you." I clung to those words tightly at the time. I was going through a big adjustment at the time and it was quite stressful. I pasted that sentence in to an email draft and read it multiple times a day to help myself stay calm.

I'm finding the image of flowing to be appropriate right now as well. Daddy and I chatted a little bit last night, and while things aren't going to be the same, there is the likelihood of us being able to still have a relationship even if it is different from how it was before. We will be chatting again in the morning, and he is doing some thinking today.

My mind in many ways is swimming - I have this feeling of calm and patient acceptance - that I am going to listen and communicate calmly, and most likely be fine with how he wants to re-shape things. But I'm also insanely nervous.

I don't really know what to expect in the morning. I do know that the conversation will likely be deep, honest, and emotional - probably for both of us, but I don't know anything more than that.

I've asked myself some deep questions - some of them which I've asked myself repeatedly over the last week. I think the most important question I've asked myself, is if I was prepared to have a relationship of any sort with Daddy again if things could be worked out in some way. And despite how much I was hurting, I've known deep inside all along, that the answer was yes. That I could set the pain and hurt of this past week off to the side for the benefit of maintaining a relationship. I know that there'll be a little bit of fear and worry that hang around for awhile, but I still love him, and nothing is going to change that.

This past week has been a hard week - the last time I went through so many days that were so heartbreakingly emotional like this was when I was pregnant with my youngest and facing the possibility of a 2nd trimester loss. But I've survived. I made it to the point where I felt like I was able to start to pull small things together again - and that gives me the confidence to know that I have that strength inside me.

And knowing that I have that strength inside me makes me willing to open myself to Daddy again and see what happens. It makes me willing to keep an open mind and not focus on the what-ifs, but to flow with working out the present and then just living within it.

I may be nervous, but I have cautious hope that we can work something out. And that thought - and the feelings I had as a result of our chat last night, were enough to let me sleep well last night. They were enough to erase the nightmares that had been plaguing me, and leave me feeling rested.

I don't know what morning will bring, but I do know how to flow. And that is what I'm going to choose to focus on right now. Because in the end, flowing through the rough spots and seeing what comes at the end is the best any of us can do. Life is much better lived in love than in fear or anger.

Old Rules

2011-04-27T22:54:00.001-06:00

I'm trying to keep myself on track and I'm struggling. I am conscious that I no longer have a bedtime and that I can stay in bed until the last minute in the morning. I realize that I can go out the door a few minutes late and it doesn't really matter as long as the morning drop-off is still on time.

Bedtime, wake-time, getting places on time - these are things I struggle with. They are things that I needed to have rules enforced right down to the minute to make sure that I didn't start sliding. I am very bad for "just a minute more" type thinking and before I know it it's after midnight or I've slept in. This is a habit I've had my whole life - it just didn't affect me when I had rules that prevented the habit from causing problems.

These are some of the rules I will probably have the most difficulty with. I often pushed them right down to the second as it was - not out of contempt or testing, but because I tend to leave things to the last minute. I was spanked over bedtime on a few occasions and would allow myself extra time for awhile, only to start slipping back to the last second again - typically within a few weeks.

So I'm listing these old rules here as a reminder - in hopes that they might motivate me or something to have them somewhere public. I don't know if they need to stay identical - because in a way it feels like if I keep things identical, I'm still following orders. And while I will admit to taking comfort a few times over the last day in memories and things that made me feel small and protected, I worry that if I maintain some of the rules identically that I will feel like my Daddy isn't really gone - that I'm not actually alone. And I don't think that believing that for any length of time would be a good thing.

Right now, I'm ok with curling myself up in a ball in bed, putting my thumb in my mouth, and remembering how he would sometimes tuck me in at night and wish me pleasant dreams. The feelings of comfort are so strong that even in the midst of losing him, they helped me fall asleep last night.

There is still comfort in memories of his words, his voice, his face. I find myself wishing for one last phone conversation so that I could lock the words "I love you little one" in to my memory forever. I wish that I had known the last time he said little one that it would be the last time. Heck, I wish it almost enough to email him and ask him to do it for me as a favor. But I won't because it would be way too hurtful for him too.

And while I don't quite understand the logic behind it, I feel the need to protect him and defend him despite everything that has happened. I'm starting to sink in to the feeling that there is no hope for anything to change, that there will be no return and some form of acceptance and re-structuring of the relationship. I had held on to a little hope of that. I am not protecting him or defending him out of hope, but rather because I truly care about him and because I know he's hurting too and I really want to do what I'm able to to not make it worse.

I have to admit, on a objective level, I don't quite understand why I want to protect and reduce the hurt of the man who has caused all of my hurt and suffering, I guess maybe that's just how very bonded I was to him?

At any rate - without further ado:

- Bedtime: computer off at 11, in bed by 11:15

- Wake: out of bed by 7:30 at latest

- School: out door by 8:30.

Obviously, a minute here and a minute there isn't going to matter anymore. I'm not going to punish myself, and while I am deeply missing that protection and safety, I'm not going to leap in to a relationship with someone else or even search someone out. So there will be no consequences for me if I mess up - nobody to tell me they know I can do better and they expect me to do better next time - nobody who is going to assign me a spanking. But maybe - at least putting it out here in plain sight, will result in me making more of an effort and trying to make myself care instead of just continuing to give up and think oh-well, what's a minute more?

Strategies?

2011-04-27T12:19:00.000-06:00

So I'm trying to figure out the best way to pick back up on routine. Routine filled with memories of my old Daddy (who I still haven't figured out how to address considering how I still feel about him and see him deep inside myself...)

One of the things I have considered is keeping up with the routine of a check-in email even if it's not sent to anybody? Maybe just a list of things gone right and things neglected will help me do better with the neglected things?

I'm finding it easier to get back on track with the stuff that affects the rest of my family, but when it comes to the personal care stuff, I think some of it will just be abandoned. It mattered - but some of it was difficult even when I knew there were consequences for failure - and without risk of consequence? I'm not honestly sure I can keep up with some of them when I know it won't directly hurt me - it's just removing something that benefits me overall.

Maybe in time some of those things will come back in too? If nothing else the headache that took all of 1 day to set in is going to be a reminder to keep up with my water and sleep...

Sometimes hard questions have hard answers, but they bring hope

2011-04-27T10:32:00.000-06:00

I've been reading some other blogs this morning, in particular Greengirl's post Evolution of Helplessness over on her blog, combined with Sir J's post about Helplessness on his blog, have both left me thinking further on a thought that had already been in my mind earlier today.

I've recognized in myself over this last day that I have in some ways been acting helpless over things that I know I'm not helpless over. I had even wondered if it was me hoping that F would change his mind and rescue me if he knew how much I was struggling. But I had told myself that it was honesty. And that these were things which he had taken control of and helped me put in place so it was only natural to struggle with them with the control disappearing so fast and suddenly.

Now I find myself questioning if I learned to be helpless on some things - if I abandoned my own abilities and beliefs because I knew that I didn't have to take care of some things on my own. If I misused that safety and actually wore F out by relying on him too much.

F is one of those wonderful giving people who gets satisfaction in being there for people when they need him. He gets satisfaction just in being available to be there for somebody - he is very loyal to the people in his life.

Like greengirl, I'm an emotionally intense person. And while I had reached a point of being able to regulate my own emotions prior to ever exploring my submissive side, it was like that submission gave me space to have a break - to not put as much effort in to regulating my own emotions. Because I knew that I wasn't alone - that I would be caught. That F would be there to wrap me up in a hug and help make things all better. I greatly enjoyed that comfort - and he always told me that he enjoyed giving it to me.

But now I find myself wondering if perhaps me turning to him with every little thing is actually a good thing - if I gave too much of myself. I find myself wondering if we unknowingly created a relationship that was destined to fail at some point because I would become only more and more needy and he would eventually wear out. Perhaps - even if the issue of the last few days hadn't come up, that is the path we would've gone down eventually. And I know that if that had been the path that led to our relationship ending, that it would have been much more traumatic and hard to deal with in a lot of ways.

I've always prided myself on not giving up - on being willing to see the good in something and to keep moving forward even when it hurts. And in the intensity of the last day, I've allowed myself to temporarily lose sight of that. I've allowed myself to feel that it was ok to give up - even if only temporarily, because of what had happened. And maybe also a little bit because the man I knew to never give up had given up on me?

At any rate, when it comes down to it, I do not want to look back at this point in my life and regret how I handled the loss. I don't want to look back and think to myself how I spent the week following one of the best years of my life sliding backwards and losing everything I'd fought so hard for. I don't want to look back and regret my behavior of today, tomorrow, or the next day. I can't change what's happened - I can only change what I do in the future.

So this is me picking myself up and dusting myself off. I do still hurt, but I will not quit moving forward whether that direction is the one I thought it would be or not. And I have learned a lesson about helplessness - I have seen a piece of myself that I allowed to grow the last number of months that maybe wasn't a good thing even though it felt right. Maybe it wasn't a bad thing either - maybe it was just a natural thing that grew out of control and we never found balance for.

In the end, I think that's part of what made my past so intolerable - we were so enmeshed in so many areas of life that it was impossible to separate out that piece that was unimaginable and inconceivable to him. It was impossible in the short term to view me as anything other than the bad judgment and defeatist attitude I displayed back all those years ago. And I can't fault him for that - and perhaps it's time I quit blaming myself over it too.

This doesn't mean that my heart doesn't still ache and that I don't still mourn the loss of what we had. But it means that I've remembered that I'm a capable and strong woman who is quite able to be the mother and wife I know I am even if I don't have that extra encouragement anymore. It means I don't care if anybody rescues me from the ocean - I'm just going to swim to shore and try to focus on the love and goodness we shared and not the hurt of the last few days.

Betrayal

2011-04-26T19:35:00.000-06:00

As if things couldn't get any worse, they have.

I know why it happened. It's the fact that it happened when I'd been promised it wouldn't - when I went to great lengths to make it clear that there was no fault to be placed on F. That I still loved him and cared about him and didn't want him attacked for something that is hurting both of us so deeply - especially when it's not his fault. That's what makes me feel betrayed.

Note to self: Trust nobody.

I wish I had the house to myself so that I could rant and scream and cry and stomp and pound and every other little thing I feel like doing and get it all out of me. I feel like there is world's biggest hurricane brewing inside me and it comes in waves of crying and sobbing and then trying to be strong. And then this happens and I'm so very very very indescribably MAD that the mean and irrational words were sent to F.

I'm so mad, so hurt, so everything, that I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. Please someone tell me that things will get better tomorrow? Tomorrow I start by myself. Lonely and alone. I have to keep putting one step in front of the other, but it hurts so bad right now. And this blog is my only outlet, so I'm sorry to those of you who've recently found my blog expecting more stories or musings or happy-go-lucky posts.

It's like being disowned. I have my core family at home still, but no other connections. I don't remember the last time I felt this sad and lonely and isolated. It's a horrible place to be. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I'm sure they're right, but I sure hate feeling this way. And I'm sure it's made harder by me still loving him so deeply. I can't even call him by his first name with any ease... Daddy is still what comes off my tongue - my fingers when I type, my thoughts in my head. God, I just fricken hate this.

And perhaps most of all, I hate my worry of sliding backwards and losing all of the good that I've accomplished over the last year. Because right now, it's so hard to care about any of it even though I know I need to and have to. Almost all of my rules were for my wellbeing and revolved around routine and daily activity. Those things still have to be done. And yet I don't know how to make myself keep doing them. I suddenly don't know what matters anymore.

I'm so lost. So very very lost. And I'm sorry for such a sad post. But it's honest. And maybe if things turn around to a more positive note? Maybe somebody else will benefit from reading about the path that I'm traveling.

The Future

2011-04-26T18:28:00.000-06:00

I keep on asking myself where I go from here. And the truth is, I don't know.

I realized through a series of emails that F is family to me. Maybe not by blood, but in my heart and soul. That's never going to change. And that means the attachment, loyalty, and love that I feel for him is never going to disappear. He may not be my "Daddy" anymore, but he's still my Daddy in my heart.

I hate that I have found myself struggling with things that were important to him. Things that if I'd done this a month ago I'd have paid dearly for. And yet it's not a matter of defiance or anything like that - it's a matter of having troubles caring about the little things right now.

I am grieving the loss of an adult male that was more of a father to me than my own father ever was. Who I was more bonded to than my own father. Who I know the personality and beliefs of better than my own father despite having shared the same roof. No matter what anybody says about this lifestyle or the criticisms that I've gotten through comments - he's still family to me. And I hurt because it all happened so fast.

I hurt because I want to be mad at him. But I can't feel truly mad at him. I can only feel hurt and like I failed. Like if I hadn't of messed up so horribly all those years ago, that he wouldn't feel the way he does. But I did. And he does.

And so now I sit here, with tears rolling down my cheeks yet again - writing again because it's the only outlet I have to try and reduce some of this pain and loss. And all I can think of is that he's family and I know that I can't hate him. That I'll never hate him. That I'll always love him and respect him.

And so here I am, faced with a direction-less future. Swiftly and quickly falling off the path that I know I *need* to be on - and yet struggling to even care because my heart hurts so bad.

Where does somebody go from here? There won't be another relationship. He was the only person I would trust besides S, and I won't bring anyone else in to my heart and trust the way I did him. Likewise, I have no interest in meaningless spankings. Spankings were so much more to me than just a sore bum. And S' spankings don't fill that role yet. It makes me wonder if everything should be neglected...

And yet I know that avoidance and denial isn't the answer to moving forward. I just don't know the best way to move forward right now - or if it's even possible. I'm drowning and while I've had friends throw me life vests, there is nobody who is able to actually pull me out of the ocean.

I guess it's sink or swim time?

All by myself

2011-04-26T14:00:00.000-06:00

I'm lost, confused, and hurting.

I don't know how to begin to put any pieces back together. I'm shattered and probably lost a good amount of my structure in the explosion so there may not be much in the way of pieces left to put back together.

I think my soul is broken.

I'm still in disbelief. I keep hoping it's all just another bad dream. But I know it's not.

A landslide has buried the path and made it uncrossable. The blog will continue to exist in some form, but there's no more little steps towards anything. I've failed.

And yet the feelings I'm left with almost somehow seem appropriate considering the topic that caused them. I probably deserve to suffer for a good long while.

I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I regret none of this last year with my once-Daddy. I still love him. I still look up to him and despite all this, I still wish that I could climb in to his lap and just hug him and cry on his shoulder. I wish that I had the right words to fix things. I wish that I thought there was even just one action in the whole world that might change things.

I wish I didn't feel like such a failure. And maybe most of all, I wish that I didn't have to sit at this turning point without a Daddy by my side to guide me.

And I wish that he wasn't hurting too. Because of me. Because of my failures in the past. Because of my inability to explain anything that made the present seem real.

This just sucks.

What if?

2011-04-25T14:22:00.001-06:00

What if all of the information that you used to make a decision at a pivotal point in your life turned out to be false?

What if all the decisions that were made on that topic since then would've been different had you had the real truth?

Would you still be the same person you thought you were before you started seeing the lies and bad choices?

*note - this pivotal point is not my Daddy, it is prior to him

Probable Hiatus

2011-04-25T09:37:00.000-06:00

I can't make this right. It's a bad decision from the past that still has effects on the present and it can't be discussed without risking identifying myself and my family.

I'll be back when I can. Hopefully sooner rather than later. In the meantime I won't be sharing anything substantial publicly.

Guilt vs. Remorse

2011-04-24T16:37:00.000-06:00

I learned something today. Well, more than one thing, but just one thing that I want to blog about at the moment.

Up until this afternoon, I had never really separated out guilt from remorse or regret. I'm not sure that I saw them as really being very different, but I've realized this afternoon that they are indeed very different. I've always been someone who can feel guilty quite easily. It's a feeling I'm quite familiar with in many aspects of life. But remorse is different.

And it is with a feeling of remorse and regret that I find myself writing this blog. The degree of regret that I experienced when I became aware of it was so much that I wished I could do something - anything, to make things better, and yet I knew that the only thing I could do was improve on the future.

And that's the difference - guilt is staying in the past and feeling bad for what's done. Guilt is self centered and looking at what went wrong and how you wish you'd done things differently. But remorse is pain and grief over the suffering you have caused someone else. It's staring at the situation and asking yourself what you can do to not let something similar happen again, and it's feeling the pain of your own shortcomings and the reasons that things went the way they did.

I'd like to hope that remorse and regret is a learning experience focused on the present and future, while guilt is self-belittlement focused on the past. One holds you back, while the other is spurred on by an event and you hope to learn from it and not repeat the situation.

My words and actions have been hurtful today towards my Daddy. Some of you were unlucky enough to see the earlier blog, and I am sorry. That blog was written from a place of upset that was my own doing and not my Daddy's. I let something unrelated to my Daddy get me all worked up and then I freaked out over something that didn't *have* to be that big a deal.

My Daddy is a respectable, kind, and fair man. He loves me and wants what's best for me. And I need to trust and follow him in order for the good things to happen. I didn't do a very good job of either one of those today. I got headstrong and acted more like a know-it-all brat than a good little girl, and I am sorry to those of you who read that - and most of all, I'm sorry to my Daddy.

I haven't been holding myself back in guilt this afternoon, rather I've been filled with remorse and using it to try and learn how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. I don't know what, if any, consequence there will be as a result of my hurtful behavior, but whatever happens, I am going to do my best to learn from it and to accept whatever comes my way in the morning whether it be something or nothing.

Daddy told me that he'd deal with me tomorrow and I know that he will. I don't know the how - but I'm not concerned about that - what I need to focus on is gracefully following with obedience and not getting a stubborn air to me again.

I am truly disappointed in myself that after the work and effort of last week I got stubborn and tried to act like I knew better than Daddy. It may not be possible to take back my actions from earlier in the day, but I sure hope that I can remember this lesson and never repeat it.

Into the Forest (part 1)

2011-04-23T15:04:00.001-06:00

Daddy's big hand reached out and took my smaller hand and he gently led me in a direction that I was unfamiliar with. I couldn't help but feel a bit nervous, but I trusted my Daddy and I knew he would never do anything to hurt me.

And so I followed.

There was a thin path that had a few roots sticking out across it and Daddy slowed his pace as we walked through the tricker areas. Every once in awhile I felt a branch brush my legs and in a way the unpredictability of the path led to the deep sense of complete lack of control that was sinking further and further in to the very depths of my being.

After awhile we came to a bench and Daddy sat down and pulled me on to his lap, giving me a big hug as he did so.

"Little one, do you know why I've taken you out here?" His voice was the calm caring that it always was, mixed with an air of firmness and authority that I knew meant he was in full control and comfortable with where we were headed.

"Kind of. Well, I think so Daddy. But I'm really not sure." I had a feeling that Daddy was planning on giving me a lesson in control and that part of that was going to involve me ending with a very sore bottom. I'm sure it was no coincidence that my Daddy was carrying a fairly substantial backpack - a picnic lunch would never take up that much room.

"Well, don't just dawdle with the words, tell me what you think the reason it sweetie."

"Yes Daddy." I paused for a moment and took a slow deep breath before continuing on. "I think... I think..." I trailed off, having the thoughts clear in my mind but feeling a bit nervous to spit them out. I really didn't like trying to predict Daddy's thoughts, but he wanted to know.

"Now!" Daddy firmly demanded.

He didn't yell, but it was clear that I was expected to answer his rather simple question, and so I forced the words out. "I think you want to teach me a lesson about control Daddy. That you have full control and that I have to be willing to trust you no matter what. And I think part of that is going to involve you tearing my butt up..." I trailed off again, feeling nervous that I was going to get confirmation of the impending fate of my bottom which at the moment was fully comfortable and a normal flesh colored hue.

"Yes little one, you're right about everything. You're going to be spanked - and spanked hard. You're going to be reminded of what you already know - that Daddy has full control and you must trust and believe in him at all times because he only wants what's best for you."

"Yes Daddy." My voice was subdued and even a little shaky at the confirmation. On one hand I was nervous - and yet at the same time, I felt flooded with relief and just plain gratefulness that Daddy was going to remind me of something that I sometimes wasn't as conscious of as I should be.

With a well-practiced movement Daddy quickly pulled me over his lap right then and there. "Good, the lesson starts right now little girl. I love you and I will always protect and watch over you - never forget that."

SWAT! SWAT! SWAT! SWAT! The hard and firm smacks stung and surprised me - here out on the path - where anybody could walk by? And so hard right off the bat? I quickly realized the complete lack of control I had.

I trusted my Daddy, I knew he would never expose me to other people or embarass me, so I quickly tossed the concern of interruption from my mind. But the sharp sting that built so fast made me unable to hold my legs still and I squirmed a little while throwing a hand back to try and protect my now stinging bottom.

"Little one, you know better than that." Daddy tugged my shorts and panties down, swung a leg over my legs quickly and pinned my hand to my back, and then laid another series of hard swats on my bottom.

I squirmed and squealed and then submitted to the spanking, taking the swats that I knew were part of the lesson and in reality probably very much needed. I couldn't quite get past the awareness of being bare bottomed and over my Daddy's knee on a bench in the middle of the forest, but the swats kept coming and my focus quickly changed to my bottom and it's fate.

Another half dozen swats later my butt was very stingy and I could feel the cool air of the forest pulling some of the heat out of it.

And then as fast as he had pulled me over his knee, Daddy set me up. He tugged my shorts up and then wrapped me in his strong arms, hugging me tightly.

"Sweetie, I love you. You need today's lesson. The trip - the lack of control - the sore bottom, the need to give me complete and unconditional trust. All of these things are needed - and I intend to make them all happen. We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. I sure hope it's the easy way, but I've come prepared if we end up having to go the hard way." He reached over and patted his backpack which he'd set on the bench beside him when we first sat down.

"Yes Daddy." I said nothing more but hugged him tight, trying to melt in to his arms and just feel his strength and control - willing myself to abandon all of my own thoughts and notions.

Daddy stood me up and propped my head in between his hands, holding me so that I was looking him straight in the eyes, and then he spoke once more.

"My precious little girl has fallen a bit off the path recently. And it wasn't just your fault, I let you wander a little bit - even share the lead from time to time, and we found ourselves a little lost without even knowing it was happening. That is over though. That will never happen again. I will lead you down the path that is best for you and you won't question me unless you are prepared to give up your ability to sit."

I looked deep in to my Daddy's eyes. I listened to the tone in his voice, and felt his concern. I felt his strength and determination and I knew how serious he was. I knew that I was contained, and safe. I knew that my Daddy was leading and nothing bad would happen.

And yet I was still surprised when Daddy pulled a blindfold out of the backpack and placed it around my head.

Before pulling it down he looked me hard in the eyes and spoke both firmly and softly at the same time. "You are safe with me. You are my little one and I will keep you safe. You remember that my precious girl."

And with that the blindfold was tugged down over my eyes and snugged up. I heard the rustle of Daddy putting the backpack back on his back and then felt him stand up beside me and take my hand tightly in his.

"Come little one, we have a long walk ahead of us yet until we get to the place I've picked out specially for you and your lesson."

A shiver ran through me, and a transient fear of tripping over tree roots passed through me, but I felt how tightly my hand was being held by my Daddy and I began to walk, trusting that he wouldn't let me fall or stray from the path.

Climbing out

2011-04-20T22:42:00.000-06:00

So I was pretty emotional and upset when I posted my last blog. I was very unhappy with the way things had been left with my Daddy before his trip and was generally upset about a few other things in my life too.

Things have gotten a lot better since that post. Monday was a horrid day because I only slept 2 hrs tops on Sunday night due to being so out of sorts, but my Daddy ended up having Internet at his job site and we had a good chat that fixed so many things that I felt like a new little girl and slept good as can be on Monday night.

So I guess the question some of you guys may be asking yourselves, is what happened, and what changed?

To my Daddy's credit, his decision to not spank me for a week led to me sending a lot of emails and putting a lot of time and energy in to trying to communicate my thoughts and feelings. Now, I'm normally quite good at sharing those things, but the hiatus brought out a whole new level that I'm not sure either of us knew existed. And that whole new level of description - while in many ways very desperate in the way it was communicated, led to my Daddy realizing something.

I'd been feeling off for a little bit, but wouldn't have had any guesses as to why aside from just feeling like something wasn't quite working right inside of me. It was one of those intangible things. Something I was aware of in an indescript kind of way from time to time but never really spent much time thinking about. But as it turned out, this intangible and somewhat indescribable feeling was a symptom of a dynamic shift. Without realizing it, I had gotten more control in our relationship than what I need to have. I didn't see it, but in the intensity of Sunday and Monday, my Daddy saw me needing to be contained. Caught. Captured.

And so Monday night, after he'd gotten a bit more "proof" in the form of my words and behaviors, he took back the control that had somehow shifted a little bit. I know that my Daddy feels it was his responsibility and that he should've seen what was happening or prevented it from happening in the first place, but I don't view anyone as being at fault. I think it was just one of those things that sometimes happens with the stresses and demands of daily life, and seeing as he's not next door and able to see what goes on quite the same way as he does at his own home, I think it's really all quite understandable. I know I certainly don't feel badly anyways, I'm just grateful to have been caught and be back on track.

I'm still not being spanked, but I'm ok with that. I think my butt is probably appreciative of it too, lol. Though I've been told that the break is ending come this Sunday, so I know I better appreciate having a comfortable butt while I can.

I'm coming out of this experience actually feeling pretty good. I think that my Daddy did things right by setting an environment that made me free to share my distress over the hiatus, and I did the right thing by clinging to him and not shutting him out in the midst of it all.

Things are still going to change a bit more, but I have no doubt that they will all be good changes. Or changes that are good in the end evn if they're difficult in the short term. I know part of this is going to mean loss of wiggle room and input that had developed over the last bit... But it would seem that was part of the problem. I think I was struggling to feel my Daddy's control sometimes and was seeking spankings more because I felt his control more when he spanked me. Or that's my theory anyways.

At any rate, things are moving forward and I feel more like myself again. I feel safe and secure and protected again and I know that everything will be ok.

Stormy

2011-04-17T10:44:00.000-06:00

** warning - possible triggering post **

Daddy and I just finished our morning chat and I'm sitting here balling. Not because of something he said, but because of my own reaction.

This last week has been a horrible horrible week. Horrible beyond words. Probably one of the worst weeks of my life that I've had in years. Seriously - that bad. And I've held it together for the most part. Probably largely in part because I got spanked real hard on Monday and it got me so settled that I was able to re-settle fairly easily while the worst of it was happening.

But that settled is gone now. And I'm just left my tears and fear and frustration and in some ways sadness - and then anger about even feeling sad.

An online friend killed herself a week and a half ago and the community found out on on Tuesday. It's hit me hard. Hard beyond belief. I spent a lot of Tuesday evening in tears. Just pure genuine sadness - feeling like I could've somehow changed things. I know the logic. I know it's normal grief reaction. I know all that - and yet I can't make that belief go away. Can't stop the guilt

Weds was mildly better - probably largely because I didn't do any housework. Thursday, was just kind of a crazy busy day and I shoved myself through it because I had no choice but to shove myself through it. And Friday, the frustration and anxiety and agitation over it all, was so strong. I don't know how much of the feelings were still carry-over from the girl's suicide - and how much was just feeling overwhelmed from the stuff I'd let slide and knew had to be caught up.

I lost my temper and yelled at my youngest. I know parents yell at their kids from time to time, but I try my hardest not to. And I usually succeed. But I didn't on Friday, and I immediately felt so horrible and guilty about it. I felt like I was raging around inside my head trying to calm myself down, and I just couldn't. And I turned to Daddy, and he helped me. I got back more settled. I asked for some swats from S before I went to work, and he gave them to me, but I was left with a confused and almost incomplete feeling. Which is almost a whole nother story in itself.

S and I had a little fun last night, but it was mostly vanilla fun. Which is all fine and good. But for a little girl who is agitated and anxious for no particular reason, it does nothing to settle her. Especially when I knew that I needed more - but I knew that S and I were both tired, and that it just wasn't the right time.

Sunday is maintenance day. Normally. Today I'm not getting spanked. And as a matter of fact, I'm not getting spanked for the next week. A get out of jail free card in a way. There are other consequences, and I don't particularly like most any consequence because I plain don't like being in trouble. But the biggest problem is I'm starting the week unsettled. And there aren't many things that will settle me down when I get like this.

My Daddy had no idea that I would be like this today when he made this decision prior to our talk. Heck, I had no idea either. I still don't completely understand my reaction which borders somewhere between anger and just plain not caring and giving up. Part of me just feels like going "oh well, whatever" and just not trying. That's not who I am - that's just plain letting my feelings get the better of me.

I feel like I'm acting like a stormy child having a temper tantrum. I feel like I'm raging. And there's nobody to stop me. Nothing to stop me. I feel belligerent and defiant, and I hate it. And then I get mad at myself and I cry and I feel guilty and then I feel frustrated again because I don't know how to change it. Escape to bed isn't an option anymore. Abandoning the house and just doing nothing - well, it's a possibility but it's only going to make things worse for myself in the end.

I want to just shrug my shoulders and say I don't care. But the truth is I do care because I'm starting today in a crappy spot. This last week was horrible. I haven't recovered from it. And now, I don't know how to settle and clear my mind over just plain everything. I don't know how much of my reaction is just feeling let down that I'm "stuck" with the anxiety when I need to be settled. I don't know how much of it is just surprise and me being resistant to it.

But when I really stop and think about it, I know that while there is some surprise in there - it's probably the cause of the deep reaction, it's more the result of the intensity of the week and the sudden scramble of feeling like nothing is going to give me a clean start on the next week.

I keep asking myself what I did before spanking - but the simple fact is that these funks lasted until they wore off before. Nothing would reset me unless I got lucky with a few really good night's sleep in a row. And I don't sleep well when I'm topsy turvy. Sometimes food fixes things. But I've lost a lot of weight in the last year. I'm not about to undo all of that.

Which leaves the one other coping skill I had. Avoid until things get better. Doesn't seem all that practical or doable now that I have more things needing to be done.

I don't understand at the best of times exactly how spanking plays in to things. And I don't understand right now exactly how it plays in because my thought of "oh well, whatever" sure doesn't match my attitude and feelings.

And the other thing is, I know that there are abundant consequences that aren't pleasant. The truth is, I don't like consequences and most of my spankings aren't for consequence but are just because I need it for whatever reason - I guess you could call them pre-emptive. And now I feel rebellious even. And that just makes me madder with myself.

In fact I'm so mad at myself it makes me want to go running or do something physical to try and burn off the anger and try settle me. But I have nowhere to go. And so I feel stuck and trapped. And fighting the urge to just not care.

Moments like these, I feel like a failure as a submissive and a little girl. I should be better than this. I know better, I normally do better. Something so little shouldn't have me so upset. And I just want this last week to be over and I don't know how to close it off for myself and make it end.

Perhaps most of all, I'm so scared of failing. I'm so scared of driving a wedge between Daddy and myself because of my attitude and feeling a struggle with defiance. Part of me just feels like giving up on the week before it's even started and just not having any expectations of myself.

I've kind of emptied myself of most of the anger through writing this, and I just feel kind of hollow right now. I just feel like going through the motions.

The hardest part of all this? I'm not upset about not being spanked because my bum won't complain about a break. I'm upset about not being able to put this past week behind me. Something physically changes in me during a spanking. It's something I can't create through willpower or distraction. And that's just the way it is.

My Daddy is headed out of town for work again and making the drive today. My guilt about my attitude is compounded by knowing that he has a long drive today and I'm done nothing but cause trouble and negativity this morning. Not a nice warm feeling to start a trip on. And I feel horrible that I wasn't able to control it and keep it inside so that it didn't spill all over him. I feel like I've been a tornado this morning and he got caught in the path of it and perhaps blindsided by it.

Focusing on my guilt makes the anger go away and just leaves me feeling drained and empty. Maybe that's the best way to keep myself this next week. In a way, I can't help but think I should prepare myself for this week being extended. And I feel like I'm left trying to find a coping skill that I've never had - spanking filled a place and a role that had never been filled before. And I can't help but think that there's nothing else capable of filling it. But at least if I stay on empty there's no anger and the people around me won't suffer. And that's really what I need to do right now. Make sure that my own feelings don't affect the people around me - including my Daddy who really took the brunt of my storm this morning. I hope he knows how bad I feel about it. :(

Need vs. Want

2011-04-10T17:59:00.000-06:00

I've been having a debate with myself the last few days over how I can be acutely aware of my need to be spanked, and yet not want it. It's something that I think about and debate from time to time. There is no denying the benefit that spanking has to me on many different levels - but there are times where I don't want the discomfort of being spanked.

I get that spankings are supposed to hurt. I'll even willingly admit that if a spanking didn't hurt, it wouldn't have 95% of the same effects that it does. It would have a small effect just because there would still be some sort of feeling if it wasn't pain - and I think sometimes just the sound combined with the feeling has some effect - but without the pain that makes you feel like your butt is on fire, I don't think that most of the effect would exist - at least not for me.

I've been realizing this last week that a sore butt really does have quite a profound effect on my ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other even when faced with stress of one sort or another. It also has the ability to prevent me from getting too worked up when things start to go wrong and I'm at the crux of PMS. And heck - it even has the ability to completely eliminate the anxiety and general emotional discomfort that I experience with PMS. I can't quite explain why - I just know it does.

These are all things that I appreciate after the fact. These are all things that are actually a huge relief to me when they happen, but there's this little matter of getting through a spanking in order to experience those benefits - and sometimes I don't want to go through the sore butt part.

It can be really hard to ask for something that you know you need, but that you really wish you didn't need. I guess you might be able to liken it to there being multiple treatments for a sore back - some of them more pleasant than others, but only one has a quick and direct effect that results in complete relief once the discomfort from the procedure disappears. Of course everyone wants to have that complete relief - you don't want to suffer any longer than you have to, but sometimes it's hard to choose the procedure that involves a little bit of suffering even when you know it's the right one...

In my case, there are other options besides spanking that can help me get through intense moments. There's sleep, extra vitamins, chocolate, exercise, distraction - any of these will provide some relief, and if I did any of them for long enough the PMS - or whatever the situation was, would eventually pass. But none of these give the same complete and relatively lasting relief that a good old fashioned spanking does. And none of them deal with the remnants that are leftover once the moment has passed - the residual effects of whatever was going on.

And to be honest, there is nothing else that can be wielded as a deterrent the same way as the promise that if I fail to follow through on something my butt will pay the price - I don't like my butt paying the price and so usually doing the task is the easiest (and smartest,) choice to make.

When it comes down to it, I know that spanking touches me and helps me on a deep level. And I know that I need that emptying and calm that spanking gives me. And I do want that calm. I want to have my needs met.

It's kind of funny - if I want to have my needs met, then perhaps that means that I do want to be spanked too - maybe it's just hard to admit it sometimes?

Whatever the case may be, I'm the owner of a sore butt right now, and I know that it will only be more sore by this time tomorrow. Not because I've been bad or misbehaved, but because PMS has made life rough for me the last few days and I told my Daddy that I needed it.

For as much as I might sometimes wish that I didn't need it, I can't deny the fact that sometimes I just am simply due. And even if the process is unpleasant, the end result is worth it. And right now, I need that end result.

The promised update

2011-04-08T15:58:00.000-06:00

I'd like to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I really appreciated your support and I'm sure others also appreciated reading your shared thoughts.

I had a talk with S. the night after writing that blog. Things were too intense for me to not deal with it right away, and I just needed to get it over and done with. I think the conversation went as well as could be expected, and the weekend was relatively nice after that and we even had a night filled with some fun that was better than words could possibly express. ;-)

So that's the update. It's rather short, largely because so many things have happened since that conversation and I have other things on my mind right now - but I had promised an update so I wanted to give you guys one.

About crying...

2011-03-30T16:28:00.000-06:00

There are some things that I struggle with immensely, and I am in the middle of one of those things right now. Unfortunately, my struggling seems to be affecting everyone around me right now and I feel like I am just the center of misery. I'm guessing that's not actually the way things are, but it's sure how it feels to me.

The sad thing about this all, is that I feel like just the difficulty that I've had has made me a failure. I know that this is an over-reaction and it's probably over dramatic, but it's how it feels. I feel like the thing I want most is to crawl in to a hole and hide and hope that things suddenly make sense and I suddenly have the courage to face things properly and talk to S. It's not even much that I need to bring up with him. And yet my own emotions are something I struggle with so much. And I fear rejection and failure so much even when I rationally know that he's not going to reject me.

So instead of just biting the bullet and getting it done, I sit around and fail as a result of fearing failure. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense and makes me feel pretty mad at myself when I think about it.

This week has been a crazy week with it being spring break. I've been too busy for my own good and had more and different demands placed on me than normal. And perhaps that all by itself is wearing on me... this particular issue is just something that I don't have the emotional resources to try and deal with at the moment I guess? But in a big way, I'm having to confront a belief - one that I have held and lived by for years and years, and it's difficult.

I've spent most of my life hiding from tears - trying to not cry, or trying to stop the tears as fast as possible when they do start. I've been ashamed of my own tears when I've had them. Now this may go back to the fact that I never had much in the way of self confidence as a teen. It may go back to having suffered from depression and me believing that tears were only reflective of sadness. I honestly don't know where the belief comes from because I don't feel that way about other people crying - but I've also never known somebody who easily cries.

I guess deep down, I have beliefs about tears that are based solely on perceptions and self consciousness, combined with not ever been exposed to crying. And maybe that's society - maybe we just live in a society of "strong" people who only go home and cry by themselves?

At any rate, Daddy has become concerned that I've allowed myself to cry with him but still don't cry with S. I can't argue with him - I know that I should open myself up to those feelings around S. But it's hard. There is literally over a decade worth of stuff for me to work through and confront in bringing the topic up with S. And then that doesn't even begin to address me needing to learn to just cry when I feel the need. It's not something I'm good at - it's something that I only learned to do around my Daddy because he made it ok to do and made it clear that he accepted it and it didn't bother or worry him. And indeed it was a matter of learning to do it - and on the inside, I was so self conscious the first few times.

I guess looking at that list, I know that S would accept it - I'm not worried about him rejecting me because I've cried. But I do worry about it making him uncomfortable or worrying him. And I guess in a way I worry about it even being "ok" to do. Crying is such a strange and hard topic for me - and I don't even really have a feel for what's normal for other women... and should "normal" even matter? When it comes to tears perhaps it should really only be about what I need? And yet I'm not even sure I know what I need.

So maybe some of you others out there can enlighten me? How do you feel about tears? Do you cry around others? What about your significant other? Is there something specific that stops you? Are you comfortable with tears or do you feel uneasy when you cry?

Something so simple really shouldn't be so hard, but yet it is. I feel like I have this big black cloud of failure hanging over my head right now and I feel really quite miserable about it. And perhaps somewhat ironically, I've had a hard time stopping myself from crying non-stop about this because I just feel so upset with myself.

I know there's only one answer to this problem - just do it. But I'm scared, and to a certain degree even overwhelmed by it in a ridiculous sort of fashion. Right now I guess I need to take small victory in the fact that I haven't retreated to my room and hidden, because I sure don't feel anywhere near strong enough to deal with this right now and just remaining in the same room as other people is hard right now...

And now that I've finished making a gigantic mountain out of this, perhaps I would be wise to just get it over with so it can take up residence in the past. I just wish I could meld my logic and emotion together to make this easier.

Opinions wanted

2011-03-27T08:00:00.006-06:00

I have the option to make my blog show up with a mobile version automatically if you're reading it from a mobile device, or to just leave it as is now and the full site including current template etc will show.

I don't browse my blog from my phone so it doesn't matter to me as to how it displays on mobile devices, so I thought I'd leave the decision up to a vote from my readers.

If you read from a mobile device, how would you prefer to view my blog?

(Just a note that enabling the mobile version wouldn't affect those who browse from the web.)

Moments of fun

2011-03-25T15:41:00.000-06:00

I'm at an interesting stage in some ways - I have my Daddy who holds me accountable and provides structure and maintenance and "just because" spankings, and then S who gives me stress relievers as well as fun spankings. Overall you could say that things are pretty well rounded in my little world - they're just segregated.

Friday and Saturday night are usually play nights with S and I, and this afternoon I couldn't help but start thinking of all the silly little fun things that a person could do to give background to the spanking. I've been doing a lot of puzzles online - maybe he could choose one for me and then I get a swat per minute it takes? That could be lots of fun - wonder if I'd dawdle or if I'd hurry? LOL.

I antagonized S a little bit at work today by texting him with talk about tonight. It's something I've never done before - not in this way anyways, and I think he enjoyed it too - of course I've pretty much guaranteed that he's going to heat up my cold butt tonight as a result - but it's something we're both looking forward to.

I suspect tonight is going to be a night of playing the mischievous naughty girl - and I can hardly wait.

A lot of times in TTWD there is focus on the moments of seriousness - makes sense because those are the most emotionally intense moments and people tend to write about the things with the biggest emotional impact. But for all those moments of seriousness, there are lighthearted moments - silly pokes in the tummy, naughty text messages, funny games, and many other things. And I think it is those lighthearted moments - the moments of fun, that actually give depth and reality to TTWD. If it was all serious all the time, it wouldn't have the same positive emotions attached and it wouldn't instill the same sense of comraderie - or that's what I think anyways.

I know a lot of people don't integrate any type of fun with their DD - and that's fine, everybody has to do what works best for them. But for me? I'm a spanko as well as a submissive. I want to be spanked in situations outside of punishment - maybe not to a hard and unbearable degree on a regular basis - but those random swats on the bum or the nice warm glow right before some fun with S? Those are wonderful moments.

This is one of those days where I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I have a hubby who loves me and is growing more comfortable on the "fun side" of TTWD each day, and a Daddy who holds me accountable and meets my needs for containment and direction along with guiding me of the next little step to take with S.

All in all, I'm a very content and happy little girl and this is something that I think needs to shine above and beyond the things I sometimes think and write about. I love and am loved, and life is good.

Bratting

2011-03-24T17:13:00.000-06:00

Every once in awhile something happens that reminds me that perspective and beliefs are based on my previous experience and teachings.

To bring present day in to perspective, I'm going to go back a year, to when I first registered on spankolife. My MO at the time was brat. Total, complete, unrepentant brat. I enjoyed using my mind and whit to push the buttons of Tops and Doms who chatted with me and I was pretty good at being cute about it if I don't say so myself. Every once in awhile somebody came along who I felt differently about bratting. My Daddy was one of those - I bratted him a little bit the first time we met, but I didn't go in heavy.

That period of bratting was short lived - J came in to my life within a week of me registering and he had no tolerance for brats. He taught me that bratting was playing and that if you're a real submissive, you don't play. In hindsight I know he was wrong - but at the time I had no experience to draw on, and was naive enough to believe that his way was the only "real" way. So I quit being a brat. I started acting more serious, and at times I got a bit annoyed with brats in chat rooms...

Things have changed a lot since then. Most obviously, I have my wonderful and loving Daddy who has been a guiding Dominant figure in one role or another for almost 11 months now, and he doesn't think that all bratting is bad.

I don't have anyone else to really compare to, but I think I probably have pretty high spank needs in comparison to some. I don't fully understand them yet - but I know that I seem to need to be spanked more often that I "think" I should need to be. And this sometimes ties me up in knots - and it's something Daddy and I have spent some time talking about and looking at possible solutions.

One of the things that Daddy wants me to start doing is bratting when I need some swats. Not in a negative-nelly-misbehaving kind of way, but in a fun and playful kind of way. And I've been having difficulty with it. Something that is so simple for most people - and was for me too at one time, has become a task that I actually have to learn to do and to let it happen naturally.

I think one of the things I've struggled with the most is fearing that any bratting might come across as disrespect, but after talking with Daddy more today I'm realizing the different ways it can come across - and as he pointed out to me, he knows that I respect him - some bratting isn't going to change how he sees me.

And so I find myself thinking about ways that are natural for me to brat - ways for me to do it in a way that doesn't seem superficial, but gets the extra swats I need from time to time. And it's going to be a process.

I've had other things that I've had to change my ideas about as I've grown and learned more, and this is just another one. I'm sure that I'll figure out a way - even if it does result in my bottom getting spanked a bit extra.

And hey, that's the end goal anyways isn't it?

Attached

2011-03-15T19:37:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, I worried about being too clingy and too needy. I was worried that if I was too demanding, my Daddy would decide that I was too much work. Almost a year has passed since then, and tonight I'm realizing just exactly how much progress I've made.

My Daddy works out of town sometimes, and when he heads out of town he doesn't always know whether or not he'll have internet access. Seeing as we're dependent on the internet to communicate, it means that when he goes, we don't know whether or not we'll have contact for however long he's gone - and this can be really hard for me sometimes.

Tonight was the night before he's "gone" and he had less time than what he often has the night before going, and I was feeling rather clingy. 10 months ago, I probably wouldn't have told Daddy exactly how I was feeling. I probably wouldn't have told him that I was teary-eyed. But I did tonight.

I'm not sure that it made saying goodbye any easier, but after he left, I realized how safe and secure and comfortable I had been in telling him that it was hard to say goodbye this time and that I was feeling clingy. And while I can't speak for others, I know that this is a huge change for me.

It is a wonderful thing to be able to look back and know that I dealt with something in a way that was authentic to my own experience without worrying about how the other person might react. That kind of trust - the trust to expose your own neediness and attachment without fear of being belittled or attacked or pushed away for it, is deep, and something that is a strong experience.

I am missing my Daddy already. I know it's a short time, and with any luck he'll end up with internet where he's headed, but it doesn't change the fact that tonight was a goodbye night and it was harder than normal.

There are times where I'm more acutely aware than others of how very attached/bonded I am with my Daddy, and this is certainly one of those times. But in the midst of missing him, I feel good about how I dealt with it and about how I communicated my feelings with him. I feel good about the amount of growth it demonstrates, and I'm proud of myself for that.

Comments are moderated

2011-03-15T18:18:00.001-06:00

I just wanted to quickly let everyone know that I decided to switch my blog comments to moderated. This prevents other people from getting email notifications of comments that I would otherwise delete - no sense in everyone else having to read trolling, mean, or otherwise hurtful comments too.

Despite my decision to not comment on troll comments, I would like to make one comment on a comment that never saw the light of day. My Daddy has not told me anything about deleting comments - the deleting happened all on my own accord. Contrary to your opinion, I am fully capable of making decisions by myself - and I have made the decision as to what things my Daddy gets to decide. If he felt strongly about a comment I would respect his thoughts - but my Daddy up to this point has never given me an order related to a blog comment. This is the only defense that I am going to put out there, and I only put it out because it may be something others have thought.

I know that I view my blog as my personal space for expression - and my Daddy doesn't try and control how I express myself. He trusts my judgment on things like this and while I have looked to him for advice on a few occasions, he has never come to me and told me I had to change something on my blog. I'd like to think that most other women enjoy that same freedom in their blogs because everybody needs a place to express themselves freely.

Blog Trolls

2011-03-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

I'm familiar with internet trolls. I've dealt with my fair share of them and seen some of the havoc that it can cause.

Trolls really have the upper hand when it comes right down to it - at least in the beginning. They have the ace up their sleeve - nobody knows that their only interest is to create trouble or drama, and human nature is to give the benefit of the doubt until a person's true intent has been proven.

The problem with trolls, is that some are very good at playing innocent. And that's exactly how they do their damage - "What? No, that's not what I said at all." "Oh, well that's not how I meant it, you just took it that way."

And then there are the trolls who are really only wanting to create conflict but do it in the guise of well meaning advice.

There is a comment on my last blog entry. I haven't responded to it yet because I waited to respond until I knew how to respond. My initial impulse was to delete the comment. Then I thought perhaps that would just give the poster some satisfaction. So then I decided to reply. Problem was, the comment had the effect it was supposed to - I felt like she was attacking me and it made me feel defensive - I wanted to tell the person exactly what I thought.

Luckily for me, I possess the ability to not speak before thinking, and so I've spent the evening deciding the best way to deal with it without giving the person the satisfaction they were looking for. And I realized something - people who have lives and care about things spend time supporting the people they care about and the topics that are important to them. Somebody who is out to only attack and criticize random blogs isn't somebody who really is trying to be helpful - they're someone who is intent on trying to split the blogging community. They're trying to get a debate going - they're trying to distract from the blog and push their own agenda.

A blog troll really isn't any different than a forum troll except they target individuals on a personal level not usually seen with forum trolls. They are the same though in that they attempt to disrupt the community and create debate and discord.

And now that I see that, I've figured out that the best response to that comment is to delete it. I might have initially wanted to come back with a comment meant to put that person in her place, but nothing good would've come of that. I have enough confidence in myself to know that I don't even need to waste my breath defending that comment and no matter what the poster may think about having her comment deleted, I'm ok with that.

I'd like to encourage the wonderful blogging community in TTWD to not respond to negative people and to not feel bad about deleting those comments which only serve to attack or belittle the person. Most of us share a lot of personal things in our blogs - there is enough negativity in this world without allowing random people out there to contribute to it. Human nature may be to defend ourselves, but sometimes being confidently silent may have a larger effect than entering in to an argument with someone who gets satisfaction out of pushing people's buttons.

And with that, I'm off to delete the comment. My blog is a positive place and I intend to keep it that way.

(for those of you who haven't heard of an internet troll before, google it - you may be surprised and gain some sudden insight in to the true motives some commenters most likely have.)

Feeling little, feeling safe

2011-02-27T19:50:00.000-07:00

"Put your thumb in your mouth and listen to me"

The words are simple, but they touch me. I obey, and awkwardly put my thumb in my mouth.

Almost instantly, the world transforms. My Daddy is my focus, my vulnerability is so big, and yet so comfortable. I am safe, and held tight. I am cared for and believed in.

I take in every word, thinking on it, evaluating the effect it has in my daily life, and I hear the truth in Daddy's words.

The thumb - so child-like, and yet it is really just a bridge to an emotion. It is not that I am pretending to be a child or that I am acting like a child - but it brings in the feelings of vulnerability and open-ness. I feel safe and secure and cared for and know that my Daddy will protect and guide me. And in other ways, it places me and reminds me that I answer to my Daddy - not to mention I can't physically talk when my thumb is in my mouth so it forces me to listen without interruption...

The first time I put my thumb in my mouth, it felt a bit awkward. Now I embrace it and the feelings that come over me when I put it in my mouth.

Who would have thought that such a simple action could touch me so deeply with such profound effect?

The Good Girl

2011-02-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

The sun was setting through the kitchen window as Rachel finished washing up the last of the supper dishes. She took a deep breath, smelling the wonderful aroma of the fresh apple pie, and couldn't help but smile to herself. Today had been a good day. She had finished all of her daily tasks and had even finished with enough time to make Stephen his favorite dessert. The timer interrupted her thoughts and she quickly dried her hands on a tea towel so she could pull the pie out before it burned.

"Mmmm, something smells good!" Stephen wandered in to the kitchen, relaxed and obviously quite happy. He walked up behind Rachel as she put the pie down on the counter, and wrapped his arms around her tightly. "You have been a very good girl today sweet pea, haven't you?"

Rachel leaned in close to Stephen and looked up at him with a smile. "Yes dear, it has been a good day. It sure feels good to get everything crossed off my to-do list and still have some time leftover at the end of the day to relax."

Stephen reached down and grabbed Rachel firmly around the waist, then swung her up in to his arms and carried her to the bedroom where he softly and playfully tossed her down on their bed, then he reached down and gently placed her hands over her eyes. "Hold still and no peaking" he ordered gently.

Rachel obeyed and listened, trying to figure out what Stephen was up to. There was rustling in a drawer and a few other sounds that somehow seemed muted with the way her hands were laying over her face. She took a deep breath and laid there, deciding that it might be better to be surprised anyways, and quit trying to guess what he had planned.

The bed squeaked as Stephen sat down beside Rachel, and he slowly pulled her up and in to a tight embrace, then he stood her in front of him. "You can put your hands down now dear, but you must look at me and only me." He watched her face, making sure that she was obeying his every word, and smiled as he saw her instant and complete obedience. Without warning, he placed his hands on her hips and in a well practiced fashion, unbuttoned her jeans and slid them right down her legs.

"Step out of those hun, you won't be needing them again tonight."

Rachel felt slightly confused - she knew she hadn't done anything wrong, so she wasn't quite sure what Stephen had planned. But she trusted her husband and knew that he always acted out of love and respect, so she wasn't afraid or hesitant.

Stephen stretched his hand out toward Rachel and smiled when she reached her hand out to take his. It was indeed wonderful when they moved in sync like a well-oiled machine. Tonight would be special. Tonight Rachel was going to get something that she wasn't expecting, but that she would enjoy immensely - and she had earned it. He closed his hand around her hand and in a flash pulled her over his lap. The small gasp of surprise that escaped from her mouth made him grin from ear-to-ear.

"You know sweetie, you often end up in this position because of things you haven't done, but today I wanted to give you a treat. You know that you have been such a good girl today and I'm so proud of the way that you have taken care of all your tasks and even gone out of your way to make me my favorite dessert."

Swat! His hand came down over Rachel's panties - firm enough that she felt it, but not hard enough to make her squirm or feel uncomfortable.

Rachel felt the gentle warmth rising underneath her panties, and couldn't help but sigh. The firm but almost gentle pats felt so lovely on her bottom and made her feel like all was perfect in the world. The hand swats stopped and Rachel felt a tugging at her panties - but was then surprised when she realized they weren't being pulled down, but just gently to the side.

Stephen felt pleased at how relaxed Rachel was, but he wanted her to feel completely calm and rejuvenated. His free hand snuck in between her legs, pulling her panties to the side, and then he firmly spread her legs wide apart. Her small gasp made him grin once again.

Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! The swats which had started out not too hard picked up pace a little bit, but it was still easily manageable for Rachel and she was still enjoying herself. She found herself relaxing and truly enjoying the heat as it built. She always felt so close to Stephen when she was over his knee - and it was made even better that she was over his knee for happy reasons at the moment.

Stephen paused for a moment to pull down Rachel's panties, and she heard a sound she couldn't quite identify - it sounded almost like a swish. His hand gently caressed her and rubbed her bottom, and he spoke soothingly to her. She so loved listening to his voice.

Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! "What do you think of this sweetie? Can you guess what it is?"

Rachel moaned, the sting being replaced by this soft heat that just seemed to grow but never reached the point of discomfort. It felt like her entire body was being woke up and she almost wanted to beg Stephen to cover her bottom with this new implement, whatever it was.

"Ummmm, I'm not sure. Something leather?" Rachel lifted her butt up a little bit, eagerly awaiting the next swat.

Stephen gladly took Rachel's hint, and grinning from ear to ear he started to work his way up and down each side of her bottom. The thwap! of each swat echoed just a little bit in the room, but Rachel's moans of pleasure were most definitely louder than the sound of leather on her skin.

"It's a riding crop my dear. It has the ability to sting and burn if used harshly, but used like this it seems to be very sensual." His words were lighthearted and he reached down, caressing her again, searching out her sensitive spots and feeling just how relaxed and happy she was.

Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! The crop worked it's way up and down Rachel's cheeks again and again, turning her bottom a pretty red color. Her cheeks were red and hot, but you could tell this was the kind of sting that would fade by morning leaving only the memory of the fun they had had together. He ran the crop down one cheek, dragging it all the way to the back of her knee and chuckling slightly when it became obvious it was tickling her just slightly. He thwapped her playfully on her sitspot as she squirmed from the tickling sensations and she quickly settled herself down.

THWAP! Rachel made an involuntary sound of discomfort at the hard swat, but then realized that Stephen was done spanking her with the crop and that the last swat was just to make an impression. She felt Stephen's hand gently rubbing her again, and she moaned as his hand once again searched out her sensitive spots.

Stephen scooped Rachel up off his lap and placed her on the bed, grinning at the relaxed and submissive smile on her face. "You are my good girl, you know that? You try so hard for me and do such a good job taking care of yourself and the house and our family. I love you to pieces sweetie and I hope we can have more of these good girl spankings in the future."

Rachel closed her eyes and sighed, and felt herself float in to a wonderful happy place as Stephen made intense love to her.

The pie could wait until morning.

Is DD abuse?

2011-02-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

One of the blogs I follow had a post recently called Tears During Punishment. I had found the entry quite interesting due to growth I'd been through over the previous week and had commented on it. Whenever I can remember to, I subscribe to comments after leaving a comment, and so when 2 people recently replied in a way which strongly criticized the DD relationship, I felt the need to reply.

It did get me thinking though - I could see how to an uneducated observer DD might look like abuse, but let's think about the differences here...

DD vs Abuse:

Domestic Discipline:
Consent: Both partners consent to DD
Physical "harm" - HoH is careful to not cause long term harm, and to provide only enough of a spanking to communicate the lesson - never more. The only physical "harm" is in the form of a spanking. No black eyes or broken noses, no cruelty. A HoH spanks only with a clear mind and never punishes in a moment of anger.
Responsibility: - HoH is responsible for both himself and his wife. He must carefully weigh that he doesn't expect more of her than what she is capable of doing. He is a partner. He wants her to succeed - and he realizes that he has the responsibility to also act in a respectful way. He knows that he can't expect one thing from her and then do something differently himself.
Security: Wife knows that she is cared for, treasured, and protected. She doesn't fear her husband. She knows what to expect when something goes wrong and knows that it will be fair. She knows that once something is dealt with, that it is over with and doesn't need to be worried about anymore. She knows exactly what is expected of her and knows that the expectations are reasonable and given out of love.
Relationship: Both partners respect each other and listen to each other's wishes and desires. HoH may get final say in some decisions - but this doesn't mean that the wife is a doormat unable to make decisions for herself.

Abuse:
Consent: Wife does not consent to an abusive relationship.
Physical harm: May cause lasting damage and any part of the body may be struck. It is frequently more than hitting and can include kicking and throwing and punching. It is unpredictable and often happens in a moment of rage or anger. Usually escalates until a woman's very life becomes in danger. The wife may spend weeks physically recovering, all the while trying to hide her injuries from her friends and family. She likely feels very ashamed and self conscious over her injuries.
Responsibility: An abusive partner does not take any responsibility for his actions. Often he doesn't have any responsibility towards his spouse or family either, and what he does expect may not be reasonable and something that can be easily done by the wife. An abusive partner only uses the word sorry when he's regretting his violent behavior and trying to convince his wife not to leave.
Security: The wife lives in fear. She never knows when the next blow-up is going to happen or what will trigger it. She tries to be perfect because she sometimes blames herself for giving her husband reason to blow-up. She doesn't know what her husband expects from her.
Relationship: The marriage is plagued by fear, aggression, harsh words, tears, and apologies. Even honeymoon periods have topics that are going to be naturally avoided. In many ways the relationship is nothing more than a mirage and no meaningful exchanges become possible once the physical violence starts.

For me, the answer is really quite simple - DD is not abuse for many reasons. That doesn't mean that there aren't sometimes abusive relationships masquerading as DD relationships, but in a true DD relationship, there is no abuse.

To Cali, if you read this post, I hope that you don't mind me having linked to your post. I had more of a comment than what I could enter in the comment box and decided it was worthy of a blog entry all it's own.

*Disclaimer: I do recognize that it is not always the male who is HoH, nor is it always the male who is the abuser. However, it is easier to stick with the gender which takes those roles in the majority of cases when writing on this topic.

Clinginess (part 2)

2011-02-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I posted part 1 of Clinginess. Before I posted it though, I emailed my Daddy to tell him what I had been writing about - and within a few minutes he came online and we had a good talk. One which resulted in the original blog becoming part 1 and me planning to write this as part 2...

Sometimes it's hard to sum up a conversation and the resulting feeling, but I feel like this is an important conversation to try and sum up because it's a lesson that I need to remember.

The bottom line is that when I started worrying about being too needy, I took away my Daddy's ability and decision to help me. I may have seen it differently, but I neglected to remember that Daddy gets fulfillment and satisfaction out of being able to be there for me and help me when I need it - and by not giving him the opportunity, I didn't do him any favors.

It reminds me, many months ago, I was punished for what my Daddy called "heel syndrome" - aka putting everybody else first and not worrying about myself. And had I really thought things through this morning, I wouldn't have gotten myself all twisted up. I would've remembered that Daddy has made time for me in the middle of busy stuff in the past, and that he's never made me feel that I can't ask for something. In fact he's always encouraged me to tell him anytime I have felt I needed something or felt clingy, and I have never doubted his ability to be there for me when I need him. I know how important family is to Daddy, and while I know it's not exactly the same, I know that he loves me and would do whatever was within his power to do if I needed him.

I started another blog this morning about perspective before Daddy came online after the email, and I feel in many ways like this is just another lesson in perspective. I'm a little girl for a reason, and Daddy is my Daddy for a reason - and it's not my job or my place to try and protect my Daddy from my bad moments. He wants to be there for me in my bad moments - he wants to be there when I need him most. And I need to lean on him and allow him to be there instead of trying to limit my reaction and keeping my degree of clinginess to myself.

Who would've thought that me being needy isn't just a bad thing - that it can actually be something that results in a contented and happy feeling within a relationship?

This is the lesson that I need to remember, and I'm glad that my Daddy gave me his perspective. This is one lesson that I suspect will have many repercussions in a good way as time passes and I hope to never forget it.

Clinginess (part 1)

2011-02-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have a feeling that seems kind of irrational, but the more you try and push it to the side, the stronger it feels?

I'm struggling with that right now. Every once in awhile a combination of events lead to me feeling extra vulnerable and needy - and yet within that, I tell myself that it's an unreasonable and out of place feeling and so I try to control it. I don't want to interrupt when things are busy, and instead I try and figure out what the cause is in the first place.

Rationally I know that the best thing to do is to just say what I'm thinking. And yet I feel guilty for thinking it - and sometimes I can't help but worry about being too needy or too clingy. These are my own insecurities - I recognize that. And I know that the best way around them is to just speak them. And yet somehow, it's not that simple.

In fact, I know what Daddy has told me about clinginess and neediness before. And yet today I feel the desire to give him an easy day. I know the last day has been busy, and I was more emotional and out of sorts yesterday because of a situation with S on Weds night, and I feel guilty about that. Even though I know I don't need to feel guilty about it - and that Daddy wouldn't want me to feel guilty about it, I do feel bad for it.

In my head, I've convinced myself that I was horribly exhausting yesterday and just miserable to be around. And I don't want to be difficult. And that guilt kind of spills over in to today - making me not want to admit to the clinginess - especially because I don't really understand it...

Things are further complicated because Weds had been such an awesome day up until the point where the evening went bad with S. Daddy and I had had such a good chat, and I'd cried and really let down a lot of little walls. I felt so supported and loved and cared for. And then the evening happened, and yesterday I was just difficult and miserable. And to make things harder, Daddy was just plain busy yesterday - logically I know that it was more a matter of what was going on at work than me being that miserable to be around, but I still can't help but have that worry of not wanting to be that miserable little girl too often. I don't want to be clingy and needy all the time - I want to just plain be a joy to be around most of the time. I don't want to feel like I've made such progress and then had one thing knock me back.

It's my nature to try and protect the people around me from the intensity of my feelings. I know that Daddy doesn't want me to protect him from that - that he wants to protect me and make me not worry about it. I know that the feelings of being too needy and difficult are my own feelings and not his. And when it comes down to it, I know that he needs to know all this. In fact, this is a blog that I won't post until I've had a chance to talk to my Daddy. He needs to know that I trust him and love him and am willing to come to him with anything even when I feel like I'm difficult.

I guess I just needed to work it all out in my head to try and understand what I was feeling before talking to him. And now that I've figured that out, I'm going to do what I need to do - talk to him. And let him respond how he wants and is able - I just realized that perhaps I'm trying to avoid hearing "no." And really, that's just a part of life... I can't hold on to something until I think it's a good time - it's not my place to decide that it's a good time... Daddy may not always be able to respond right away, but I do owe it to him to tell him right away. And so I will quit twisting myself up over this this morning and talk to him.

My bottom burns

2011-02-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

I sit in my spot on the couch with my laptop in it's usual place, but my comfort on this particular day is much different than what it has been recently.

I got spanked hard today. Not for something I had or hadn't done - but because I needed it. Because all the grumping and everything else had had a rather profound effect on me and I just was due to have my bottom spanked until all I could think of was how much it hurt. It wasn't to punish me - it wasn't to warn me, it was to get me right again. And oh my how I needed to be set right and taken care of - and indeed that's exactly what Daddy did.

My butt is so red and stingy hot still, and it's already been nearly 5hrs since the spanking ended. And if anything, the discomfort isn't subsiding. But you know the crazy part? I'm thankful beyond belief for this sore butt. In fact I'm relishing every moment. Focusing on it. Feeling the tingle and throb and heat. And reminding myself that I'm a little girl who is loved and cared for - and very well spanked when needed.

You know, I really needed this spanking today. I knew that I needed it, but I think I probably needed it more than I realized. In fact as I sit here, thinking about it, I realize that despite the soreness, there's still willingness to accept further spanking. And I guess in a way, that might sound puzzling to some - but I think it's mostly a case of me wanting to be kept tightly contained. Of me wanting to hold tight to this feeling of being pulled back to my senses - of knowing that when I need to be put in my place, that Daddy will do what's needed to get me back to the calm and submissive space that I function so much better in.

While writing this blog, I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about how DD differs with a spanko - thinking about how S has in his head that a spanking wouldn't be able to punish me even if he had the desire or wish to try to punish me with one. I've tried explaining to him the difference - but it has fallen on somewhat deaf ears. Well maybe not deaf ears - but ears that just simply can't process or understand the words that are being said. And I can't fault him for that. But it got me to thinking about what the difference is...

I don't enjoy all spankings. Perhaps that goes without saying, but I feel the need to distinguish that spankings between S and I for fun are enjoyable. They're fun - playful - they excite me. Sometimes S will use a spanking as foreplay. And I love those. I relish each swat, each crack of the paddle or flick of the crop. I've neglected to mention how we've expanded our implements, but I have to say, I find the crop especially wonderful. The sting followed by the building warmth - not really starting to reach full heat until the next one is already starting to build heat - it's just a wonderful and sensual experience.

But anyways, those spankings are enjoyable. But when S gives me stress relief spankings, I can't say that I enjoy the pain - I just appreciate the result. And I know that there is no substitute to relieve stress the way a spanking does. I can't really explain it, but those of you who've experienced it most likely know exactly what I mean - how it's like the stress is just washed away and the memories of just moments ago are so far in the past that you feel light and happy.

Next we come to what I got today - an "I'm due" spanking. I have to wonder if all subs feel this way from time to time... it's a feeling of needing to be pulled back. Of just plain needing to be spanked the way one feels hunger or thirst. Not necessarily a conscious reason - just a knowledge that it's there. And knowing that it's going to improve things. Knowing that it needs to be long enough to surrender to the experience, and hard enough that I feel it for a long time afterwards. And both of those things are important - because if you don't surrender, you don't get the memory of calm attached to the feeling of your sore butt. And if you don't have a lasting sore butt, you don't have the same physical anchor to the calm feeling. Or that's the way I figure anyways... This kind of spanking isn't enjoyable - but it's also not emotionally painful. Each moment is filled with many things moving in and out of my mind and a growing sense of calm combined with increased awareness of what I might call SBF - sore butt factor. (Hmm - makes me think - maybe implements should be rated by SBF the way sunscreens are rated by SPF? LOL.)

At any rate, an I'm due spanking isn't pleasant either - heck, you have to be spanked pretty hard for the soreness to last an extended period of time. But it's not unpleasant the same way a punishment spanking is. A punishment spanking could be fewer swats and less soreness than the "just due" spanking, and yet every time I feel the warmth of my butt or a slight sensitivity, it reminds me of the reason I was punished and motivates me to not do it again. There is no purposeful focusing on the sore butt after a punishment spanking has happened. It is there all the time doing the smallest of activities. And all it reminds me of is that I messed up and that I absolutely will do better next time.

So I think really the actual pleasurable spankings are just a part of the big picture. I don't know if it's that way for everyone, but it's how it is for me. Though I suspect that each person defines those things for themselves individually.

Perhaps the difference between a spanko and a non-spanko in a DD relationship is that there are some spankings that a spanko enjoys, while in other relationships spankings only have a role as discipline? I'm not really sure other than knowing that that's just one of those things that I'm sure varies from relationship to relationship.

I started this blog many hours ago but due to multiple interruptions am just getting back to finishing it off now. My butt is still sore. And I still feel comforted by it. What more could a girl ask for? *grins*

How much is too much?

2011-02-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as too much information in TTWD when it comes to sharing with my Daddy or S? This is the question I have been asking myself today as I remain in the throes of this dumb little place called PMS land.

My instinct right now is to pull back from everyone and put on a happy face to everyone else - to pretend that everything is ok and that I don't actually feel like the world's biggest "witch." But the truth is, I feel like a witch. And I can't seem to figure out what is best - tell the truth, risk making others miserable? Or protect them knowing that hopefully by tomorrow morning all will be well in the world again and I'll be back to being a sweet and good little girl for my Daddy and a patient and kind wife to my husband?

What I can't figure out though, is if avoidance is a form of dishonesty. If I'm not forthright about the fact that I'm getting slammed by PMS and know that I'm not feeling or acting very submissive at times, is it deceitful? Or is it me simply controlling myself and not allowing myself to have a negative effect on others?

I honestly don't know the answer to this. My gut says that under normal circumstances my Daddy would rather know so that he can deal with it and get me back in line again, but this few days hasn't been normal circumstances and I hate feeling like the only things I'm sending him by email are negative things about what I've done wrong or how overwhelmed I feel. There are a few positives mixed in there. But it's hard to not let the negativity seep through.

And yet at the same time - I feel like it's not fair for me to pull back, to not give Daddy and S the opportunity to support and help me through this. It's not fair for me to assume that because they're busy or have other things going on that I'm on my own. And this is the assumption I've been operating under... Perhaps my mind is clouded by the PMS and it's making me assume they are more occupied and busy than they actually are? I don't know. I just worry about being too much of a burden. About being too much work when I'm like this. I worry that my negativity is just a big cloud that they'd both rather avoid anyways.

In most cases, I would be able to just reach out and say "I need you right now." And yet right now, I feel guilty interfering with everything that is going on for them. S hasn't been home much the last couple days, and when he's been home I've pretty much had to be out. So we haven't seen much of each other the last 2 days - and when we do S has been super grumpy. And Daddy hasn't been online much. So perhaps realistically I would've been on my own no matter what words I chose...

On the bright side? At least every month isn't this bad. And though it seems to be false hope, maybe next month things won't be so stressful around here at the same time as monthly moodiness strikes.

The Clock

2011-02-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

Once a month it happens like clockwork. Sure, some months it's barely perceptible, but others - like this month, it's like a bear waking up from hibernation who is starving hungry and grumpy and probably going to devour anything in it's path. Granted I'm not hungry, and I'd like to think that my animal instincts are more controlled than a bear's might be, but still - I'm not too pleasant to be around when I'm like this.

Some months I am plagued by anger and anxiety and just plain old self doubt and almost a feeling of being out of control. Rationally I know none of this is true - in fact I try to not even express the feeling of being out of control because it doesn't make sense - I'm not acting in a haphazard way and I'm not allowing myself to act out of control - but boy, do I feel it.

It's hard sometimes to have all of your internal efforts focused on not allowing your inner tirade and in some aspects, even misery, to escape to the people around you. Invariably some of it does escape - you just have to hope it's not too much and that you don't push away the very people you love dearly when it happens.

I know that I'm not actually out of control. I know that Daddy still has firm control and would quickly put me in line if I so much as edged a toe over an edge - and yet I am struggling with the feeling of being out of control - and the thing about being out of control is it's hard to feel somebody else's control when you feel like you're out of control. Maybe sounds kind of circular, but it's true.

My internet wasn't the most cooperative this morning when Daddy and I had our weekly chat. Perhaps if it had been more cooperative I could've asked to voice chat with Daddy and maybe his voice would've given me that extra degree of settling. I know what would fix me, but it's not something I'd ask for, and realistically, it's not something possible at the moment anyways... I need to be grabbed by the ear and led off and spanked soundly and told to quit letting my hormones control me and to just lean on Daddy and remember that I'm not out of control, but that he has control.

And I guess the question is, why didn't I ask for extra maintenance this morning if that's what I need? Well, the answer is pretty simple... I'm not sure I knew I needed it, and I sure as heck didn't want it. It would've been well deserved if Daddy had increased maintenance as a result of all my belly aching and grumping... but I'm not going to complain that I was allowed to complain without consequences. It's not my place to decide where the line gets drawn anyways, or to decide what's the best way to deal with it.

I think what I am struggling with though is knowing that Daddy is mostly if not totally offline until Tuesday and meanwhile I'm dealing with this. Knowing this is one of those month's where I just need to be stopped before I start, being seemingly unable to stop myself, and knowing that the next few days are going to be a ride that the best I can hope for is to not get myself in trouble.

I feel guilty for even feeling that way. In fact, it's hard sometimes to write something like this knowing that my Daddy is going to read this and knowing that I don't want to influence his enjoyment of the next few days - and yet also feeling that I just have to write this and get it out.

Maybe putting it down on "paper" is the best course of action anyways... Daddy tried to stop me this morning but I'm too embroiled in it in some ways... And I don't want to be spanked over it. Of course when I am very sure I don't want to be spanked over something that seems to be a sign of me needing it, so maybe that's the case this time too, I dunno. I just know I need to hang on tight to Daddy's words from this morning and try to avoid getting myself caught in this circle.

I actually feel a bit better having written it out. So what if there's a grumpy old bear coming out of hibernation? All I have to do is get through the next few days and it will end on it's own. I just hope there's no bear attacks in the meantime.

Persistence

2011-02-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

I once described myself as stubborn to somebody and they turned around and told me that I should use the word persistent - it had a better connotation than stubborn. I was amused by the comment at the time, but stored it away to think about at a later date.

As I mentioned back in November, I had some tooth pain. I saw 2 dentists both of whom told me I needed a root canal. I had one one fill some cavities, but I didn't let him touch the tooth that I'd been told I needed a root canal on. Do you ever just have one of those instincts that makes you want to run for the hills? That you know no matter what, that something is just a bad idea? It has absolutely nothing to do with fear or anxiety, and everything to do with one of those things that you just "know."

The root canal was one of those things for me - something that despite my rational mind saying lots of people have them and it must be ok to do, that it just wasn't something I should jump in to blindly. And so the research began.

2 months has passed since then, and aside from the periodic twinge I've been pain free - but I knew I was going to have to get this tooth dealt with, so I started researching more and looking for a dentist locally that might have an alternative to a root canal - or at least wouldn't jump to a root canal as a first and only option.

So long story short, I saw a new dentist today - one who is listed as a biological dentist - basically means that he uses materials and methods that are kinder to the body, and I am now the proud owner of a temporary filling without a root canal. If I can make it the next 6 months without a toothache developing, then we'll be able to place a permanent filling at my next cleaning.

I guess you may be wondering how persistence plays in to this, but this is the 3rd dentist I've seen for this tooth. I spent hours researching options, looking for things I could do at home that might help improve things - and in the end, my persistence paid off. I found a dentist who I love, and I have so far - *knock on wood* - avoided a root canal. I got stubborn on feeling like a root canal wasn't the right option and ended up with a solution that I'm happy with and feel good about.

Now to make it through the next 6 months.

p.s. I promise my next blog will be something a little more exciting than a trip to the dentist, lol. Though this dentist seemed to be quite fluid in referring to me as "young lady" - I couldn't help but and think of my Daddy. *grins*

Rising Tide

2011-01-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

The rising tide makes waves ebb closer and closer to where I lay on the shore.
The usual warm breeze turns cool and I find myself shivering.
I look up to the sky and see clouds moving in.
Then I hear your voice.
It is calm and secure, no panic clogs your tone.
You rush to where I lay on the shore and gather me in your arms.
I hear your feet splash in the water as you quickly run with me in your arms.
You gently lift me in to the car and cover me with blankets.
I feel the warm air surround me and appreciate you thinking to run the heater.
Your hands are gentle on my face and your eyes are concerned,
But your voice is strict and stern.
It was careless of me to try and walk alone on the beach.
I should've checked the weather, and invited someone along.
I know what's coming, and I can't argue with it.
You pass me a sweater to throw over my bikini top, and then grab me around the waist.
I find myself over your knee, halfway out of the car and halfway in.
My bikini bottoms offer no protection as your heavy hand smacks my tender flesh.
I want to squirm and try to escape, but part of me is grateful.
Your hand makes my bottom feel as though it's on fire.
My eyes water and fill with tears.
You hold me tight, never letting me go.
I start to cry and beg forgiveness.
I'm sorry I tried to walk alone.
I'm sorry I didn't ask for help.
I didn't realize what I was getting myself in to.
I know that I am precious to you and that you never want me to jeopardize my health or safety.
Please spank me harder so I never forget this lesson.
The tears stop before you quit spanking, but I am glad you haven't stopped.
I feel released from the demons that brought me here.
I feel carried and captured and protected again.
I know I am loved and treasured.
And I vow to do better next time.
You pull me up in to your strong arms and place your now-warm hand against my cool cheek.
You look me deep in my eyes and tell me you love me.
I promise to never scare you this way again.
And then it is over.
The sun comes out from behind the clouds.
And all is well in the world once more.

What are you afraid of?

2011-01-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

Everyone has fears. Things that maybe they sometimes hold close to their chest, or perhaps let a few select people in to their trusted circle.

I am no different, except TTWD adds another layer of self consciousness. I've been struggling with this for the last day now. Aware of my fear of rejection from S - of being told that I'm weird, or that something is wrong with me. It is a deep fear, one that Daddy and I have discussed and that he is helping me with - but it is a fear nonetheless.

I've never dealt well with intense emotions. I tend to try and avoid them - or avoid the situation causing them. But this is a situation that I can't avoid - because it is one that I need to face and hopefully see some progress as a result.

Sometimes, when I really challenge myself, I ask myself if I'm afraid of S saying yes just as much as I'm afraid of him saying no. And I don't think I am - but perhaps I feel discomfort at exactly what would happen during transition? I don't deal well with change - especially unpredictable change. And so in some ways, I do feel nervous about baring all and explaining exactly what it is I need.

What if he does say yes? Well, then my life gets better - a need starts to get met in a different way than it ever has been. I'm sure it will open up new doors and windows and we'll both be better for it. But maybe it's the unknown nature of it - or maybe I worry that I won't be good enough. Maybe I worry that my tendency to push and to test will make S give up on me...

It's a complex I seem to have, and I think maybe it links back to the feeling that J gave up on me. My Daddy hasn't given up on me despite me being difficult from time to time, and I know that S loves me. We have been through some difficult things together in the time we've been married and he hasn't attacked me or left me.

I know that I'm not in this alone. I know that Daddy is guiding me and watching out for me - helping me take things bit by bit and little step by little step so that I have the best chance of success. But I guess I just fear failure. Maybe it's my perfectiveness tendencies coming out?

The other thing I find hard sometimes in TTWD is I can't talk about it with my closest friends. I have very few close friends to begin with - I've always been of the camp that has a few good friends rather than a lot of acquaintances... but at any rate, I don't feel that I can even go up to my best friend and tell her that I want and need to be taken in hand. That I want S to spank me when I cross the line, and that I want him to keep me accountable. I mean, how can you tell somebody outside TTWD that you sometimes need to be spanked like a kid who has misbehaved - and that you actually want it to happen - even need it to happen?

I don't think it's possible to truly explain. Heck, I can hardly begin to explain it to S let alone explain it to my friend...

And that leads me to the other question presenting itself right now. I do have a few friends that I've met in TTWD. But it seems that many of them come and go - typically just getting busy with real life I guess. I'm not sure what to think of that. Granted I've been busier too a lot of the time, and am logged in on my phone more often these days - or just plain invisible if I only want to talk to Daddy. So it's not like I'm being ignored. It's just sometimes lonely I guess when I have things on my mind and nobody to say them to.

Guess that's what blogs are for, lol.

It's hard sometimes, to feel like something that makes up the very core of your being is something to be embarrassed about. And I want to believe that I would defend myself and fight to be respected. Indeed I accepted that I was submissive long ago, but somehow still fear the reaction of the world. And really, I don't know why I even care about the world, what really matters is S.

So what am I afraid of? I think the bottom line is I fear rejection deeply, and get insecure about being good enough. I know that I am good enough based on everything Daddy has told me - but it's hard sometimes to not let fear creep in and create self doubt.

I fear the unknown, and there are a lot of unknowns right now. But the one thing I do know right now is that no matter what might be thrown my way, I don't have to navigate these waters alone. I told Daddy last night that he's my home base when it comes to all of this, and I'm sure glad to have that home base when the waters feel a bit rough.

"Little," but not young

2011-01-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

I'm sure for many who aren't within a Daddy/little girl relationship there is no distinction between age play and just being little. I will admit that it is something I struggled with in the beginning - I'm an adult. Fully capable, fully functioning - but I also feel little and cared for by my Daddy. Back before Daddy ever became my Daddy, I felt safe, secure, and cared for - possibly even doted on. At least as much as one can dote on somebody online. I felt treasured and special and precious. Indeed I even felt sheltered and protected. And I suspect that it was these feelings that made the Daddy and little girl role natural for us.

I've put a great deal of thought in to the difference between age play and just being little. And I realized one day last week that the difference is quite simple really - one is acting as if you are younger than your actual age, while one is experiencing the nurturing feelings within your normal adult life. One is feeling and acting like a child, while the other is never doubting you are an adult, but experiencing those nurturing feelings that create an even deeper power dynamic.

Daddy and I accidentally fell upon something last week that led to me thinking about all this in more depth. I was in trouble, and to the end of both stopping me from talking and placing me further, Daddy put his thumb in my mouth. I was shocked. And surprisingly subdued by it.

Through talking about it after, I came to realize the difference between age play and being little. It's not necessarily that all things associated with age play are age play - but it's more the experience - the "feeling" age of the girl.

I realize that sounds kind of confusing, so I'll try and explain it another way. When Daddy put his thumb in my mouth, it placed me. It made me aware of his authority and that I was to listen without interruptions. It made me feel small in a way I guess - but it didn't make me feel young. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that if that had been the case, it probably wouldn't have had the same effect that it did.

And I think this experience opened my eyes to wondering about something - wondering if true age play - where the submissive feels and acts like a child, happens in part due to it being the easiest way to accept her own nature? Children are naturally dependent on someone else. Naturally have the power differential - I respect my children as humans with minds and thoughts and feelings - but I have the final word and if they choose to not cooperate I will discipline them to ensure that they cooperate in the future.

So is "age play" something that some subs become involved in partly because it helps them accept their own submissive nature without shame?

Back before Daddy, when I was under J, I often felt ashamed of my need for reassurance. I felt confused by my continual need for guidance and re-direction - and that he seemed to think I shouldn't need it. Now part of that was simply that J was never a real Dom - but I am sure that there are others out there who feel that way. I think there are people on both sides of the relationship who probably find age play easier to identify with because of the inherent power differential. And that doesn't mean it's wrong - if anything it helps me understand it a little better. Despite being a little girl myself, I have never been able to relate to age play - never understood it, and some aspects of it bother me quite a lot. But it would seem that there's probably more to it than meets the eye.

At any rate, it also would explain something else I have recently pondered... I was reading a discussion not that long ago about little girls "growing up" and their Daddy's setting them loose or them leaving their Daddy. And I couldn't relate to it - the little girl part of me will never disappear. I will always have that need for love and care and reassurance - and I will always feel most secure when I know that my Daddy is looking out for me. I know that this will never change no matter what - it is part of who I am - it is something that I can see when I look back in my past - I just never recognized it before. So I couldn't relate to the "growing up" thing. Until I started thinking about it from an age play perspective...

If age play is a method to make submission and Dominance more acceptable - if it somehow allows the submisive to accept her inherent needs without feeling like she's compromised her adult role and responsibilities, then it would follow that when the submissive feelings can coexist with the responsible adult girl, the need to act and feel younger might disappear.

All of this is just speculation of course - but it would make sense to me. Of course, now that I think about it more, I realize that I could never be involved in age play because I don't think I could feel young. So perhaps there's something a whole lot more complex there for those who do participate in age play than the way that I'm seeing things.

At any rate, as for me and having either Daddy's or my thumb put in my mouth? It removes any resistance I might have about a topic and makes me listen to what's being said. I am an adult - and that fact is never gone. But the thumb places me deeper. It has the power both to catch my attention, and to comfort me and make me feel Daddy's strength and presence even with him not being here.

I can't help but wonder though, if other people have different sorts of objects that just thinking of has the power to calm them and make them feel that power and control of their Dom/Top/Daddy/etc?

The will to change

2011-01-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

Monday was really a pretty rough day for me, but as they say - things can only get better. And indeed, things got much much better yesterday and today.

As I've been re-settling so much deeper, I've found myself pondering a lot of things. The numerous ideas in my head were the source of making a list of future topics in a blog yesterday evening because I don't want to forget them - each of them seem worth paying attention to in one way or another.

Monday's reprimand was entirely cyber. I did not get any "real life" orders as a result - and yet in terms of impact, it is easily among the top 3 for punishments that have had the most effect ever. And this realization puzzled me in some ways and got me to wondering...

What exactly is it about a reprimand or punishment that motivates change?

I think the base answer to this is that in order for there to be change, there has to be acceptance that the current behavior/circumstance/etc is wrong in some way, and that change needs to happen. And perhaps the purpose of reprimand and punishment is simply to make a submissive aware of that need for change and ready to accept how things are going to be. Maybe - just maybe - the punishment isn't about creating a physical reminder, but is about using physical pain to break down the unspoken - and most likely subconscious, barriers that are preventing the submissive from simply accepting the inevitable?

I'm sure this is overly simplistic in nature - I know that some punishments are really meant to create a butt sore enough to provide repeated motivation to change the behavior that got me in trouble in the first place. And sometimes, it takes that sore butt to remind me that I need to put in that extra effort in order to be a good and obedient girl. In fact, there have been times where an already existing sore butt has been my sole motivation for getting to bed on time.

But is the physical "input" the source of change? Or is it simply the mechanism of creating an emotional will to do better?

I'm inclined to think that it's both. And I think that because it has the ability to be both, that cyber reprimands and punishments can have just as much effect in some cases as having my butt turned red. Cyber involves a different level of outright power exchange. A complete unpredictability of what is going to happen because it's "live." In cyber Daddy can respond to any little thing whereas in an assigned punishment there isn't that immediate type reaction. And that instant response makes me think and feel things in a different way.

Daddy "taking" me to the corner and putting my nose in it in a cyber punishment gives me the same feeling I imagine I'd have if he did it to me in real life. I have the awareness that I have crossed a line that should never be crossed. That I messed up big time - not just a little, but a ton. And I really don't like those moments where I know just exactly how big of a mistake I made and I don't know what's going to happen next but I know I won't like it... All I can think about in those moments is how I wish I'd never done whatever got me in trouble in the first place. And that creates a link - the behavior that got me in trouble in the first place becomes linked to the feelings of regret and sadness. And a desire to not do it again.

Typically, once that desire to not make the same mistake again kicks in, I find myself re-tracing my steps as to how the mistake happened in the first place. And then I look for places where I could have made an alternate choice - you might say I almost review the situation to find the places where I could've made the "right" choice and avoided trouble in the first place. And this is an important step in my opinion - reviewing what went wrong and figuring out what could be done differently in the future reduces the likelihood of making that same mistake again. In cyber, these thoughts are reinforced by whatever is happening between Daddy and I. There is a communication back and forth where he asks me questions relevant to what happened - questions that are designed to help me figure out how to avoid the same mistake in the future. And I'm clearly told what is expected of me in the future.

There isn't the physical pain connection in cyber, but everything else is there in terms of the interaction.

When I'm assigned a punishment, there is still discussion and planning over what went wrong and how to do better in the future - but the coaching happens beforehand. Anything that comes up in the middle of the spanking can't be talked about until later. And perhaps in some regards that presents a limitation at times. But sometimes, that painful red butt is the primary goal to reinforce the need to do better. If I already have the skills and the knowledge but somehow just haven't found the will to apply myself, then that physical reminder that intrudes in to my consciousness over the next day or two is needed.

Sometimes I also think that I need that "ouch" factor just to open my mind and look at what's going on. There's nothing like being spanked - even when it's a self spanking, to make me face facts and to think about things. There's something about the continued submission despite the pain that leaves me more open to change. And I feel my Daddy's control when I've been assigned a spanking. I remember the things he's said. A lot of times I know just how hard I'd get spanked if he was able to reach out and touch me. And I feel responsible to carry an assignment out properly. In fact, some of my self spankings have been harder than the majority of the ones S gives me - both in terms of experience during the spanking, and how I've felt afterwards.

I guess most people never encounter these issues in a relationship - or at least those of you who have reach-out-and-touch-somebody relationships. But I can't help but think sometimes that the factors which make discipline and correction effective in real life can be present online. What I'm not sure about, is if they can exist in as dynamic a way without a mix of real-life and cyber.

I think for me, they work together. Real consequences that I physically experience, along with the full emotional submission. I've said it before, but I really think I'm very lucky to have my Daddy.

And despite the unpleasant nature of Monday's reprimand, it led to me turning the corner and getting back to being the good little girl that I am most of the time. And a girl can't help but feel thankful for that no matter how unpleasant the reprimand was at the time.

It's good to feel good again, and it's good to have a Daddy that loves me enough to correct me when need be - even if I don't enjoy the process of correction.

Coming topics...

2011-01-18T17:43:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I admittedly have been on a bit of a writing hiatus until a couple days ago. I guess you could say that I got mixed up in my mind and wasn't able to pull myself out of my head enough to write and force myself to face things. I know that sounds bad, but I figure we must all have a little bit of denial in us about some things in our lives, and this just seems to be something that happens to me every once in awhile.

Anyways, that is all over and done with now, and I've discovered today that I have a whole lot of ideas for blog topics and figured I'd put a list out there so that I don't forget them.

Age play vs just "little"
What effect do lines have?
Cyber and real - where do lines cross?

No promises on what order or when something will be written about, but these are things I've thought about recently and plan to write on. :)

And I haven't written a story in awhile. I started one awhile back that didn't get finished, so maybe I'll get that finished at some point in the next couple of weeks too.

Just Try

2011-01-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

"The only time you truly fail is when you fail to try."

I was assigned this statement as lines for part of my punishment yesterday. It was very fitting given the reason I was being punished - a complete lack of effort of even trying to do what Daddy had told me to do, in large part because I didn't know where to start.

I have until Weds morning to complete the lines, and I've been working on them diligently today and am 3/4 of the way through now. But strangely enough, my lines have become very applicable to yet another mess-up that I had today.

I was given some very simple orders this morning - finish chores and exercise as soon as possible. And I planned to follow them and get things done as soon as possible. But I've admittedly been having some motivation problems ever since Christmas when it comes to the housework, and little by little I've been slipping in to a pattern of making excuses to myself and putting off getting started on it. It doesn't happen purposefully - I don't decide it doesn't matter and I'm just going to wait until 3pm and do it at the last minute. Rather it happens little bit by little bit. I want to finish my coffee. Something needs to be dealt with. I need to clear out my email inbox.

It's almost like I put off the little things until they become one big thing at the end of the day and I'm trying to finish (and often times haven't finished,) before S gets home from work. Now S really doesn't care if housework is done when he gets home. He doesn't care if I've showered at 8am or noon, and I'm sure there are other little things that don't matter to him. But they matter to me. I do care. And yet getting myself going has been a struggle.

I was grateful for the order this morning - Daddy and I have had less time lately due to circumstances beyond our control, and I hadn't had a chance to just bring up the topic that I was really struggling to get my day started in the morning. I had put little notes in my check-in emails about having a slow start, or having troubles getting going, but I don't think I'd truly communicated the degree of difficulty I was having - and maybe I hadn't fully realized it myself. So the order this morning was a relief - I felt like today I would get things done early and I wouldn't have a big "should" hanging over my head a whole bunch of the day.

In some ways, I think that I had begun to think that it didn't matter what time chores got done as long as they got done before end of day. And maybe that was my problem. Maybe the bad habit interfered with the good intentions I had this morning leading to a reprimand that left me in tears and Daddy immensely disappointed in me.

Today's events are over and done with so far as being dealt with, but I couldn't help but think about my inaction today as I was writing my lines. I failed to try. I didn't start to get up and then something came along - I just didn't get myself motivated to get up and doing it - I didn't try.

I guess the question is - why do I need that motivation? Why isn't the simple need for it to be done enough? And why didn't I just follow Daddy's order and use that as my motivation? How did everything get so mixed up in my mind that my butt stayed planted on the couch?

I don't really have the answer to that. I have guesses, but in the end I don't think they matter. What matters is that I fix this bad habit before it does damage. That I fix it before it gets me in trouble more than I can imagine, and fix it before I disappoint Daddy so badly again.

Daddy always says it takes 2 weeks to make a new habit. I just can't help but worry - have I spent long enough waiting until later in the day to get moving that it's become a new habit? Am I going to truly struggle with this no matter how good my intentions are?

I sure hope not, because I really don't like disappointing Daddy.

Daddy says that I should spend less time thinking and more time obeying. But I'm hoping that maybe this thinking is going to result in me figuring out what made the obedience part difficult for me this morning. A simple order and simple tasks shouldn't have caused this degree of upset. And yet they did...

I read SugarAnne's blog yesterday that talked about slipping little bit by little bit and knowing that it mattered and knowing it was noticed, and yet somehow needing to be caught and have it pointed out that indeed it had been noticed, and indeed everything mattered. I have no doubt that SugarAnne never for a moment truly thought that it didn't matter - it was just a case of motivation leading to putting something off to the last minute.

In the end small things often seem to manage to pile up to be a bigger thing, and I think my small thing has become a big bad habit unfortunately. I know Daddy knows I'm genuine when I say I'm sorry and that I am going to do my best to turn this around and that I don't want a repeat of today's discussion ever again. I just hope Daddy understands if I have a few mis-steps in the process of getting back in to the swing of things, and perhaps even moreso, I hope that he holds my hand along the way and just keeps me on the right path. I hope that me seeing this, and realizing the problem it's become - and telling him that I want to get back on track and that I will follow him so that I succeed in doing it, makes a difference.

As for the motivation problem? I still have no clue why I've been having it. And I guess it's still something that's going to need to be talked about further with Daddy. I know that whatever it is it's a problem I'm having on a personal level, but in TTWD problems on personal levels are still things that need to be worked out together. I'm just glad to know that my Daddy will be here to work it out with me. Maybe even if I don't know the reason, we can still fix the problem. Because at this point, I don't really care if it comes partly at the cost of my butt. I just want it fixed.

I guess what I need to remember most of all is that the "fix" starts with Daddy and I talking, and with me being perfectly obedient. I did a pretty horrible job at the obeying part earlier today, but tomorrow is a new day and all has been forgiven for today. I just need to be careful to not repeat the same mistake twice.

Crossroads

2011-01-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I told Daddy that I had felt like begging for mercy during a spanking, and we had had a conversation about how begging wasn't necessarily a bad thing, and that it could actually be a good thing. I believed him, but I was never able to cross over the hump of translating my mental begging to verbal begging on the occasions when Daddy had directed spankings. I begged a few times, but it was never a direct translation from thought to words - the begging in my mind happened long before I pushed the words out, but something held me back from begging right when I first felt like it.

This has bothered me from time to time. I don't keep secrets from my Daddy. The only person who knows more about me is my husband - as it should be, and I would guess that there is not that much that he knows and my Daddy doesn't - not anything purposeful or in terms of my current day-to-day life anyways. So why, if I feel like begging, and I know it's ok to beg, haven't I been able to?

I think on some levels I viewed begging as giving me some control over when a spanking ended - something that I didn't want to have. But Daddy had told me already that just because I begged, didn't mean a spanking would end. And I believed him - but perhaps the part that I didn't understand for myself is something that fell in to place for me today.

As most of you probably know, Daddy and my relationship is cyber. We voice chat sometimes on messenger, video chat every once in awhile, but most of our communication is on messenger and sometimes email. All of my spankings are carried out myself based on his instructions, and probably most of the time they are assigned and then I carry them out when Daddy isn't online. Sometimes Daddy will direct a spanking based on voice chat - but not always. It's obviously not ideal - I would love nothing more than to be instantly pulled otk in real life and paddled to tears when I seriously messed up. But it's the way things are. And because of this, Daddy will sometimes cyber spank me.

For some strange reason, I feel kind of self conscious saying that publicly. But it has an effect on me. I can cry and feel fully chastised over something from a cyber spanking. And I can feel completely shocked and taken-in-hand by Daddy pulling me over his knee when we're talking (chatting,) and putting me in my place. It's exactly what I need sometimes, and today's realization has actually come as a result of getting pulled over Daddy's knee while we discussed a punishment that he assigned today...

I could go in to a big long rant about the belief that some people have over cyber relationships, but I'm going to skip that and leave it at saying that my Daddy and I share something very real and very important to both of us - and that his punishments are punishments and his praise is praise. Whether he can reach out and touch me or not, his correction and guidance and leadership and encouragement are very real. And I say this so that everyone out there reading this understands that there is a real emotional reaction when Daddy pulls me otk in cyber. I've been known to squirm, or stomp my feet, and have cried on numerous occasions. I'm not sure that the cascade and series of emotions is the same order or intensity as what it would be real life - but there is a sequence of thoughts and feelings that happen even in cyber.

So today, I realized something when I was over Daddy's knee. I realized that begging - the point where I first have the desire and would beg if I succeeded, isn't a point of unbearable physical pain, or even of having learned my lesson. It's a point where the spanking hurts enough that I'm more vulnerable to the mix between logic and emotions. It's a point of discomfort - of facing change and trying to avoid it.

And that is the reason why I've been so afraid of begging succeeding in shortening a spanking - because begging - if anything, is a sign that it's time to make a point - to push me past the point where the emotional discomfort of facing facts is scary and to the point where I just accept whatever is being dealt with.

I've known for many years that I have a high pain tolerance. Really, I suspect my butt would be in tatters before I would truly reach the true point of "holy crap, I can't take another swat or I think I'm going to die." Of course this could partially be due to me seemingly being quite sensitive to the effects of endorphins. But at any rate, my point is that the pain isn't the cause of wanting to beg most of the time - it's that it brings on a vulnerability and a point where I have to face whatever the issue is. And because I resist change, I also tend to want to avoid that emotional discomfort.

I guess the strange thing is, that while I resist change, on other levels I desperately want to change when there is something that I know needs to change. And I think it is this mix that prevents me from begging - the knowledge that I need to be spanked beyond the internal conflict to the point of acceptance.

I trust my Daddy explicitly. If a set of circumstances happened that magically left me able to meet him an hour from now, I would do it without question. I know that he is a man of his word and that he would never do anything to hurt me. And I know that he wants a spanking to have the desired effect - a goal in a spanking is to spank me enough to deal with whatever we're dealing with and to make sure the point is quite clear, without being cruel or overly harsh. I just can't see him wanting to spank me only enough to teach me 90% of the lesson - he wants all of it to be remembered. So he wouldn't purposefully stop a spanking too soon just because I was begging for it to end. But I can see now why I was afraid of begging leading to the end of a spanking - because it's not a tolerance level for me - it's almost like the point that marks a need to press harder

There will probably be some more conversations about this between Daddy and I. Most importantly of all, now that I have figured out what was holding me back from begging when I first felt the urge, I need to let go of whatever holds me back and just do it when the first thought flickers through my mind.

Because now that I've figured this out, I honestly feel I owe it to both myself and Daddy to verbalize those first thoughts of begging. It's an important communication of where I am in terms of correction or acceptance, and I need to tell him so that he can have the best information possible to make decisions.

My experience in life has been that it is only by walking directly through the feelings of discomfort and facing the things that I'd rather avoid, that I grow and learn and change. And I still have much more of those little steps ahead of me - many more things to learn and change and grow in to before the end goal becomes a reality. You might say that begging signals my approach to a crossroads, and I need my Daddy to guide me through to the right path. And he needs to know I've hit that crossroads in order to get me down the right path.

Indeed begging is a good thing - but maybe for a different reason than initially thought.

Little Miss Grumpy

2011-01-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

Daddy pulled me over his knee in one swift motion pulling my pants down to my knees as he did so.

Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! A volley of fast and hard swats landed on my bottom before I had even fully realized what was happening and my bottom was already feeling warmed.

I was speechless, completely caught off guard by the fast reaction.It was certainly not what I had expected to happen when I opened my mouth and grumpy words spilled out, but I couldn't say that it wasn't exactly what I needed to quell the storm brewing inside me.

Getting back to normal after holidays seemed to be a sticking point for me and despite the holidays going well overall, this last set of holidays seemed to be no different in that regard. I'd done well and stuck to the reduced rules pretty good and hadn't done anything major to cause myself big trouble. But the stress and the constant go-go-go of the days had resulted in me feeling less placed and that had resulted in me struggling madly with myself to not lash out at the people I loved and cared about as I tried to get back in to my routine that day.

I thought I'd done a pretty good job of masking the nasty thoughts going on in side my head and of not lashing out at the people around me, but obviously enough had seeped out that Daddy had realized the full extent of how badly I needed to be placed and he was wasting no time in making sure I felt that way as fast as possible.

Daddy swung his leg over top of mine before I even had a chance to squirm, and cinched his arm tight around my waist eliminating any hope of me trying to escape. I sighed, laying in my place over his lap, a tremor of worry passing through me because I knew that being held so still could only mean one thing - Daddy had a point he wanted me to see and I was going to get spanked as hard as I needed to be to see that point and to calm down and get placed again.

Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! More and more swats landed lower on my cheeks, and I thought I was going to have my bottom lit on fire. I kicked my legs, struggling against Daddy, needing to feel his strength and wanting to know that he was seriously going to do whatever it took to hold me still and make me take my spanking. I knew I needed to be spanked - in fact I even wanted him to spank me because I didn't like feeling nasty the way I was, but I needed that struggle - needed to be reminded of his dominance and that he had the power to spank me as much and as hard as he felt I needed no matter how much I protested.

I heard a rustle beside me and barely had time to register it before the next swats landed.

Crack! CRack! Crack! Crack! Daddy brought my self spank paddle down on me with full force, gripping my waist firmer as I shifted myself slightly. Each swat I could feel the paddle sink in to my flesh, leaving an awful burning and stinging sensation, and I was sure my bottom must be black and blue by now.

"Do you know why I'm spanking you little one?" Daddy asked in a calm voice.

"Yes Daddy, because I've been grumpy and because I need it to get back to my normal self." I whimpered.

"Correct."

Crack! Crack! Crack! Crack! He focused on my sit spots, spanking them with what felt like as much force as he could possibly use. The burn sunk in deep and I could feel my bottom hot and throbbing.

He stopped for a minute to stroke my hair and talked softly to me. "You know I wish I didn't have to spank you so hard, right?"

I nod, knowing that I'm being unreasonably stubborn, willing myself to just let go and resume my place - a place that leaves me calm, and centered, and serene. And yet I can't let go. Part of me is hanging on to the spanking - knowing that I need it to be something I'll never forget - knowing that I need the memory to linger and to keep me placed for the days to come.

"Sweetie, please. Stop fighting this. Accept it. You're my sweet little girl - not little miss grumpy-pants. You know that - and you know that's who you want to be too. Please accept the release, let the anxiety and grumpiness go and focus on my love and care."

Daddy's words are almost pleading with me, and I suddenly begin to sob and feel great big tears rolling down my face. "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm so very sorry. I didn't mean to be that way."

I feel his arm cinch around me tighter and Daddy takes the opportunity to drive the point home and let me feel the release of all the pent up feelings. CRACK!!! CRACK!!!! CRACK!!!! CRACK!!!!

"Please Daddy, please. Please stop. I can't take anymore." My pleas for mercy surprise me, and I realize that I've fallen in to my place - the place where I belong - submissive to my Daddy and a good obedient wife to my husband.

Daddy pulls me up from off his lap and wraps his arms around me tight, pulling me in to his lap and cradling me against his chest, rocking me slowly and making a gentle shhh sound.

"Shhh sweetie, it's ok. It's all ok. Everything is forgiven. I'm not upset with you." Daddy wipes the tears from my face and pushes my hair back off my face, gently tucking it behind my ears, then takes my face in both his hands and brings me to look him in the eyes. "I love you little one. And I will do anything I need to to keep you happy and feeling placed - even if it hurts me to have to spank you this hard."

I wrap my arms around Daddy as tight as can be and in a quiet voice whisper to him. "Thank you Daddy. Thank you for looking after me and for getting me right. Thank you for loving me so much that you'll help me this way."

I rest peacefully on his chest this way, taking comfort in his strong arms and enjoying the feeling of being back in my place, knowing that tomorrow will be a better day.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T00:45:00.000-07:00

As was expected, the last week has been nuts for me. I feel like things are on the edge of getting under control now, but they are still far enough away that I'm feeling a little bit frazzled over it all. Of course it doesn't help any that Daddy and I haven't had much time together due to me being away and having an irregular schedule.

Lots of people make new years resolutions but I'm not one of them. I've always been a believer that people should always be ready to improve on themselves and that when a change needs to be made the goal should be set right then.

Perhaps it's just cynicism, but I've also seen so many people wait til the new year to start something, then within weeks give up - I think it's almost like people set new years resolutions because it's the thing to do, but change is hard and as soon as the novelty of the new year wears off so does the motivation to keep up with a change.

Now this isn't to say that I think setting goals for the new year is a bad thing - I guess I just don't like the specific idea of new years resolutions. I guess the bottom line is I don't think people should make goals for the simple reason that they think they should make goals - do it because you want to - because you see an area needing change, and do it when you notice it. Don't make a goal just because you think you're supposed to.

I guess the new year is a good time to review what went right and what didn't in the year that has past, but do it because it's what you believe in, not because it's the "thing to do."

And now I'll get off my soapbox and think about getting some sleep before it gets too late. I've had some difficulty with schedule lately and it's probably going to literally bite me in the butt...

Thanks to each of you who have stopped by and read and/or commented since this blog was started. I may not set any new years resolutions per se, but as I come up to the 1 year anniversary of meeting my Daddy I do find myself feeling rather nostalgic - it's hard not to with how much has changed over the last year. So if I take a walk down memory lane from time to time, I hope that you guys will all come along for the ride - and I hope that you all will stick around as the next year unfolds.

And to my Daddy who has stuck with me through so much in this last year, here is an early new year's hug.

{{{{{{wraps my arms around you so tight}}}}}}}

Happy new year everyone!

Daddy's Post - "My Gift this Year"

2010-12-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

written by my wonderful Daddy on December 20, 2010. Reposted with his permission. This letter was the source of yesterday's blog, and still makes me teary-eyed in a wonderful way when I read it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Gift this Year

I celebrate the holiday with my family every year. Not because of my beliefs, but to honor theirs. It’s also a good time to think of the gifts life has given me this year. So I thought I would share it with those who might understand best.

This year was wonderful. Truly I had more than a man could ask for. My family is well and healthy. I am needed and appreciated at work. My finances have been very good this year. Even my brother, who just suffered a divorce last year, and is raising a child alone, found a wonderful girl and was married last week.
I saw things I’d never hoped to see: the Caribbean, London, South Africa, Hong Kong, Thailand and over a month @ sea. Wonders, I have beheld.

But my single greatest gift arrived to me early one January morning on another site. A young energetic lady kept pumping out posts to threads and each was more interesting than the last. I had to send her a message and chat with her. And chat we did. Her name was Emilie…….

Weeks of chat made us friends. When she had questions, I’d give her my opinion. I watched E grow. Separate from my direct influence, but as my friend.

Later, I became her Mentor, giving advice, setting standards for her and keeping the young lady balanced. Oh how my heart swelled as I saw her improve. I watched her relationship with her husband grow. She even got her first adult spanking from him with my help. I promise you, I cried with joy when she told me about it. I’m such a sap, I’m teary eyed now remembering. The progress in Emilie’s life for her own well-being has been astounding. I’m not talking about BDSM, but the little steps towards the door we take every day. Sometime later, we arrived at the understanding that I wasn’t simply a Mentor to her, I was Top. But the word didn’t come to mean the right thing with us. Then one day, I remember dreading the necessity, but needing to speak the truth, I told Emilie I loved her. And I told her how, so she felt no fear of awkwardness. It was right after that I became ‘Daddy’ to my little one. Progress, refinement, finding our level like water, it is all of these. And it is irreplaceable.

She gives so much of herself and doesn’t see it. I wanted to let her know how much she’s given me this year. Emilie tries so hard to do the right thing for herself and her family. She is a tender little girl that lives in Daddy’s arms and needs his care but stands tall and does what she must on her own. She is all the things my heart wishes it could be, but falls short of time and again.

Of all the things I’ll remember about 2010, the biggest, most touching, will be that I met Emilie and became her Daddy.

Thank you little one, for the Gift of a lifetime.
your loving Daddy,
Frank

From Daddy, with Love

2010-12-20T15:10:00.000-07:00

Daddy and I are both members on fetlife - a site that is kind of like the facebook of bdsm without the games. I think most of FL is really discussion groups, and aside from going on periodically to check a group out or check on friends, I don't log on to it regularly.

This morning, after saying hi to me, Daddy told me to log on and go read a post in a group we are members of. It was titled "My Gift this Year" and was written by my wonderful Daddy.

The post literally made me cry happy tears. I don't know that I have ever felt so valued, loved, treasured, and cared for as I did reading my Daddy's post. I would love to share it all with you, but I would want to ask Daddy permission first.

I've never been one to really look back at an entire year and look at all the changes that have taken place - maybe it's because no other year has ever had the magnitude of positive changes in it that this year has, but as I sit here, thinking more about the wonderful post that Daddy shared, I find myself thinking back through this last year too.

Daddy first became my Mentor in May, but I met him last January. And I can say that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my life is different today as a result. It has improved in more ways than I could possibly begin to measure. I am happier, healthier, and just generally more well-rounded and productive as a result of Daddy's loving guidance.

I really have so much more that I could say, but have run out of time for today courtesy of a phone interruption...

But before I go...

Daddy, I want you to know that what you wrote today gave me a gift that means more to me than anything else anybody could possibly give me. I want you to know that being treasured and loved so unconditionally the way you love me makes me a better person and that it is through your support and guidance that I've been able to grow. I love you so very much Daddy.

"Help from Daddy"

2010-12-13T08:30:00.002-07:00

My Daddy makes paddles as a hobby. He starts with an idea and a piece of wood and turns it in to a paddle that's guaranteed to create a sore butt.

Daddy told me when I first met him last January that if I ever got S to spank me, that he would make me a paddle. As he finished making the paddle for S and I a few months back, we had a discussion about me needing a heavier implement than the bath brush, and from that conversation, "help from Daddy" came in to existence.

Help from Daddy is a self spank paddle made from red oak. Daddy made it special so that one side of it is flat and the other side has rounded edges so that there are 2 different kinds of impact that it can create.

And create an impact it does!

My avoidance of punishment prior to receiving Daddy's paddle was mostly due to me not wanting to disappoint Daddy, combined with knowing that my rules are for my own good. I knew that breaking rules would result in a spanking that I most definitely would not enjoy, and that it would likely leave me unable to sit comfortably for days, but I never felt true worry of whether or not I'd be able to survive a spanking the way I would worry now that I know it would be with "help from Daddy."

Daddy's paddle is used for maintenance - weekly and the smaller week-day maintenance spankings, and I've become acquainted with it enough to know that I can be put in tears by a spanking with it and that I don't ever want to experience a punishment with it. Given my track record, I suppose that's an inevitability, but let me tell you, I dread that day.

But for all the pain Daddy's paddle creates in a spanking, I appreciate all of the love and effort and time that went in to making it for me. And believe it or not, I actually appreciate that it hurts the way it does, because it has given me a level that I needed whether I was fully aware of it or not.

Indeed, I can honestly say that my new paddle from Daddy is very aptly named, because it most definitely provides help.

Thanks Daddy! :D

Perspective

2010-12-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

Perspective is a powerful thing. It can be the difference between hope and hopelessness, release and burden.

I have been learning about perspective today. I'm not sure if it's a lesson Daddy was purposefully trying to teach me, but it's one that I've found.

I've been stressed by the holidays. Stressed to the point of just wanting to crawl in to a hole and hide for a few days to recharge my batteries and escape the stress. I've been getting by with playing a lot of games, and just generally wasting time with mindless things so that I don't have to be aware of the things causing me stress.

I thought that was my method of dealing with the stress - that if I just stepped away from it it would pass on it's own and then life would get back to normal. But what Daddy pointed out to me today is that I was avoiding dealing with it.

And perhaps that's why it's been so overwhelming? Instead of riding out a situation, I've hung on to the situation just waiting for a time when I can escape or avoid what's going on. I haven't been letting it go.

The truth is, there is nothing in my life right now that is truly overwhelming. S and I have money to buy Christmas presents, we have a roof over our heads, loving kids, and in general a pretty good life. I've just allowed little things to pile up in to a big thing.

My maintenance was pretty hard today because of the stress I'd been hanging on to. And as is probably fairly obvious, it did a pretty thorough job of releasing the stress and giving me some perspective on things.

Life isn't going to calm down this next week, or the week after that, but I hope I manage to keep some perspective. And I hope that if I start to lose perspective that Daddy issues a thorough spanking again to settle me down before I get all stressed out again.

It's time to face the world and deal with the things needing to be dealt with, and even try to enjoy the coming weeks without worry. And with the right perspective, I know I can do all that and more.

Coming up for air

2010-12-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

This last week has almost felt like a marathon except I'm not tired at all - I'm almost more exhilarated than anything else.

I didn't realize until I logged on to post a new blog that it had been just over a week since I had last posted. Guess I got distracted?

The name of this blog is symbolic - Daddy has always used the words "little steps" with me to talk about the path to success - that all big things are made up of little things, and all journeys are made up of little steps to get to the destination. That if you do the little things right, the big thing will turn out just the way it is meant to be.

My Daddy is a wise man. I know that being referred to as wise can make him uncomfortable sometimes, but these words and this lesson has been one that is important - one that is really a life lesson and radiates in wisdom in so many ways - and it's one that I wouldn't have figured out for myself.

It strikes me sometimes, how relationships evolve - and that when 2 people care about and respect each other, that the evolution is one that just brings them closer together and bonds them in a deeper way. I guess what's interesting about Daddy and I, is that the bond that I have with him facilitates me developing a deeper bond with S.

I managed to verbalize something to Daddy earlier in the week that I've been thinking about from time to time for awhile now - it is something that is kind of tricky to explain... I know how much control my Daddy has - how much I have willingly given him, and how much he has taken - and yet I felt the need to hear him tell me that he is in control and I have none. Despite all of the knowledge I had based on actions and feelings, I still needed to hear those words. It's strange in a way - hearing those words was almost magical in a way - like an instant internal change. Even though it wasn't something new in terms of the level of control he actually had, just the words that he used reached deep in to me.

Perhaps it was just reassurance that I needed? Whatever the case, Daddy gave it to me in a way that was crystal clear, and that instantly touched me. And I've been calm since then. I replay his words in my mind every once in awhile to reinforce how settled I feel, and it is a nice feeling.

And so, despite the last few weeks being a bit bumpy and me feeling like in some ways I've been going through the motions of trying to get things done in my life but not truly putting effort in to much of anything, I feel like I've come up out of that confusion and am facing a clarity and a loving reassurance that is once again shaping me in to a better person. It's moments like these, that I know that I am most in touch with my natural self - closest to being the person that I am meant to be.

It's a good feeling being in this place, but it's an even better feeling knowing that Daddy brought me here and that he holds all control.

I have other things to write about still including some new implements that my Daddy made me, but am out of time for today. I hope that others are managing to find a bit more down time amidst the craziness of the holiday season than I am and I'll try to not let another week pass before posting again.

Why spankings are better than toothaches

2010-11-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have assignments that get completed throughout the week - they're basically meant to help keep me focused and placed - and to occupy me productively and to make me think outside the box. One of these weekly assignments is a list of 20 things on a topic of Daddy's choosing.

Coming up with 20 things on any given topic may sound pretty easy, but it's not as easy as you might think - 20 things is a lot of things to come up with on some things - especially when the topic is one that I have to think about.

With being at the dentist yesterday and then the recovery period after, I didn't get my list of 20 things done yesterday, and when I remembered this morning Daddy gave me the option of using this as my topic. And of course as soon as he told me the topic, I thought it would make a fun list for the blog.

So without further ado...

Why spankings are better than toothaches:

The undesirable kind can be prevented by good behavior.
Not all spankings are bad.
Spankings make me feel better after the fact.
I don't have to visit the dentist after a spanking.
The pain of a spanking goes away on it's own.
Spankings are supposed to hurt - teeth aren't.
A spanking isn't caused by bad bacteria.
The afterpains of a spanking and how long they last are somewhat predictable
My butt heals all on it's own without any special treatment.
I submit to a spanking, toothaches I have no control over.
Spanking before sex just makes it better, toothaches kill the mood.
I can learn and grow as a person from a spanking.
Spankings don't last indefinitely.
Someone else is in control of a spanking and can exercise mercy.
I can still eat comfortably with a sore butt.
I don't have to pay anything to make a spanking stop.
A spanking doesn't make me need painkillers.
Spankings can be done just for fun, toothaches are always torturous.
Spankings are the end to a problem, toothaches are the first pain of the problem.
I'd miss spankings, if I never have another toothache it will be too soon.

Anyone else want to add to the list?

But I don't Want To!

2010-11-25T08:00:00.003-07:00

"But I don't want to!"

The words were barely out of Sherry's mouth when she realized the mistake she had just made. She didn't even have to hear Adam - her Daddy's, response, she knew she was in for trouble. She quickly cast her eyes downwards, hoping to minimize the defiance her words had shown.

"Really now? You don't want to hey?"

Daddy's voice was soft, almost melodic. If it wasn't for the fact that she knew trouble was knocking on her door she might've taken comfort in the relaxed tone of his voice. But there was no comfort in his words. No comfort in the fact that in the midst of a lecture over her attitude, she had gotten defiant and bratty. And perhaps most of all, there was no chance that she would escape what was sure to be the end result of her attitude.

"I'm sorry Daddy. I don't know what came over me. You're right, my attitude has been lacking lately." Sherry hoped that her apology would be taken to heart and that Daddy might have some mercy on her, but she knew that there was really no chance that she'd be let off the hook this time.

"My dearest girl, what am I going to do with you?"

The question was rhetorical. She knew what he was going to do. She knew that she wouldn't like it, and she knew that it was going to hurt in a horrible way. But she couldn't bring herself to answer him, just nervously swung her foot aimlessly from side to side as she sat on the chair Daddy had placed her on.

"Well dear, I know you know the answer to this one. Go bring me the heavy paddle."

"Daddy, please, no. Not the heavy paddle. Please?" Sherry pleaded, but her words fell on deaf ears.

"Young lady, you are being spanked for your defiance and you dare to question what I'm spanking you with? Fine then, you will also bring the bath brush back with you. And change in to a skirt and put your hair in pig tails for Daddy. I think you need to be reminded of your place."

Sherry looked down to the ground, but knew she had only one choice. "Yes Daddy. I'll be back in a few minutes."

She walked out of the kitchen quietly despite feeling like stomping, but couldn't help herself when she got to the stairs.

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! The first few stomps felt so good that she stomped harder with each step. It wasn't until she reached the top step, that she realized she'd likely just made things worse for herself, but she couldn't bring herself to care at the moment. The stomping had felt good, and she needed to let some of the attitude out of her before it got her in worse trouble.

Sherry went to her room and picked out a skirt that matched with the shirt she had already been wearing, and then headed to the bathroom where she carefully parted her hair and combed it in to pigtails. Combing each section of her hair always took some concentration, and as she fussed with her pig tails she always found herself remembering that she was Daddy's little girl.

Sherry emerged from the bathroom looking like a rather remorseful little girl. In fact she was feeling quite remorseful already. Daddy had been right in telling her that she needed to be placed - just putting her hair in pigtails and changing in to a skirt had made her realize that and had started the process. She went to the closet where the paddles were kept and pulled out the heavy paddle and the bathbrush, a shiver running through her. She was going to obey. She could do this. It was going to hurt, but she could do it. Besides, she needed this - and deserved it.

"Good girl. You look very sweet in your pigtails honey. Now come see Daddy. I believe you have some things to give me?"

Sherry kept her gaze on the carpet as she walked towards Daddy. As she neared him, she held out the dreaded implements - the ones that would likely leave her unable to sit comfortably for days to come, and handed them to her Daddy.

"I love you Daddy. I'm sorry I was difficult earlier."

"I know sweetie. Let's get this over with."

Daddy reached out and grabbed Sherry's wrist gently, guiding her over his knee and immediately locking his free leg over top of her legs - there would be no room for her to struggle, and he was not going to wait to get down to business.

Crack! Crack! Crack! The paddle landed hard on Sherry's bottom and she reflexively tried to kick her feet only to be reminded of her inability to move.

"Ow! Daddy, please, not so hard!" The words were out of her mouth before Sherry could stop herself.

"Do you get to decide how you are spanked young lady?"

"No Daddy, I don't." Sherry's voice was quiet as she responded.

"You're right, you don't decide - I do." His voice was firm, and Daddy accentuated his statement with 3 more solid swats straight to her sit spots, then he reached down and grabbed the edge of her skirt, flipping it up to expose her white panties and already red bottom.

Sherry held her breath for a moment, waiting to feel the paddle's burn again, but felt nothing for a moment. A moment passed as she lay over her Daddy's knee, waiting for the next swat, when she felt Daddy's thumb hook in to the waist band of her panties and realized that he was going straight to her bare bottom without spanking her on her panties first. She instantly whimpered, and squirmed, trying to get loose, but found herself pinned tight.

CRACCCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! Over and over the paddle fell, first on her upper cheeks, then moving until it stopped to focus on her lower cheeks. Over and over, harder and harder the paddle fell, and Sherry found herself howling as the pain built inside her feeling almost unbearable.

"Please Daddy, please? It hurts so much. I promise I've learned my lesson."

"sherry, I am going to spank you until I am sure that you have learned your lesson. You can beg and plead all you want. You can even promise to do better all you want. But I am going to spank you until I am completely sure that you have learned your lesson." Sherry's skin was showing the signs of the hard paddling, turning completely white with each swat and barely having time for color to even think about returning before the next one landed. Deep bruises were starting to show under the surface, but he kept spanking her.

CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! CRACCKKK! The paddle continued falling on Sherry's bottom, and the first signs of tears started to show in her eyes.

"I have your attention now do I?"

"Yes Daddy. Y-y-you have my at-t-t-ention D-d-daddy." She found herself stuttering as the swats kept falling, they simply hurt too much for her to answer clearly.

"Good. You will listen to me now without saying a word." CRRACKKK!!! Adam changed the rhythm of the paddle and started to use it to accentuate his words.

"Your attitude this week has been simply unacceptable." CRACCKKK!
"You were given simple tasks to complete, and instead of doing them, you felt the need to complain." CRACCKKK!
"I.expect.better.of.you.and.I.know.that.you.are.capable." Each word was clearly defined and separated by another swat from the paddle.

CRACCKK! CRACCKK! CRACCKK! The paddle fell 3 times in rapid succession, focusing on her sitspots, and the tears which had been threatening to flow spilled out of Sherry's eyes. She sobbed, truly feeling sorry for her behavior, knowing to the core of her being that she deserved this spanking, and to a certain degree even feeling guilty for having pushed her Daddy to the point of him needing to spank her this hard.

"I'm sorry Daddy. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me Daddy." Sherry sobbed hard, and the swats slowed, but they continued to fall, hard as ever - as if the point was now being driven home.

Sherry's bottom was throbbing and hot. She just wanted to be done and for a moment she breathed as sigh of relief when she heard the paddle being put down, but then she realized that the bath brush was being picked up and the tears started anew.

"Please Daddy, please. Please. Pleeaassseeeee." She trailed off as she asked the last time, realizing that it was futile and that she just needed to accept what she had coming.

Thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack. The bath brush held a steady and hard rhythm on Sherry's bottom, and her Daddy spoke once more pausing periodically to interject an extra hard swat with the brush.

"You and I both know that you needed this spanking. And I'm sorry that it couldn't be over already - I hadn't wanted to spank you further after I finished with the paddle, but your refusal to retrieve the paddle when ordered simply can't be ignored." He paused, looking down at her bottom that was fiery red mixed with purple swirls, feeling empathy for what his girl was going to go through the next few days, and hoping that the lesson would not need to be repeated again.

He resumed the steady rhythm, putting more muscle behind each swat. "And then, when you do go upstairs to do as you were told, you stomp up the stairs like a spoiled child. You know better than that young lady. You are not some 5 year old having a temper tantrum - you are a grown woman who is expected to act like one."

THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

Tears streamed down Sherry's face. She had acted like a spoiled kid. It was embarrassing really - she knew better. And despite the fierce pain in her bottom, the tears slowed, and her body started to go limp as each swat continued to wipe away the regret of her attitude and remind her that she answered to her Daddy no matter what.

She heard the brush being put down and felt Daddy's leg come off of her own legs, freeing her - but she didn't move. She laid still, her breathing slowing, her bottom burning, her mind all of the sudden more calm and free than it had been all week, and the next words out of her mouth surprised her.

"Thank you Daddy. Thank you for believing in me and for knowing that the bad way I've acted this week isn't who I am. Thank you for expecting more of me. I'm sorry Daddy, I'm going to do better, I promise."

The words were heartfelt and he knew it, and his heart surged with pride that his little girl was able to accept his guidance and appreciate it. For how much punishments like this pained him, the immediate change in Sherry reaffirmed that he had done the right thing, and that she had needed to be spanked to wipe the attitude from her mind.

Sherry felt her Daddy's hands taking her gently by the shoulders and turning her, then he eased her in to his arms and cradled her, rubbing her back and stroking her hair.

"I love you Daddy."

"I love you too sweetie," he replied.

And they both smiled as she relaxed peacefully in his arms, knowing that all was forgiven.

The little things

2010-11-24T16:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes little things don't matter, and other times little things paint a big picture. Sometimes, if you look at all the little things, a pattern emerges. Not an obvious one at first glance, but one that makes sense the more you think about it - and once that framework exists, little things that might've previously gone unnoticed all of the sudden take on new meaning.

I've had a bunch of little things lately. Little things that on their own haven't brought about punishment, but as I sit here adding them up, and looking at the bigger overall pattern, I realize it's probably only a matter of time until they do add up.

I've had a bit of a tough time with the things that have come my way the last few weeks. And Daddy has supported me perfectly through it all. I've come through a tough patch much easier than I might have at any other time in my life. And those bumps make it understandable why perhaps some little things haven't been put in front of me to have to deal with.

I started writing a story last night after the blog that I posted, but didn't really think much of it until I was talking to Daddy today and I realized that I was expressing some of the very same feelings that the girl in the story states.

I've been having a hard time motivating myself to do my chores lately. Basic chores like cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming the floors - things that everyone has to do regardless of whether they feel like it or not. The problem is, that I haven't felt like doing chores. Just like I didn't feel like exercising middle of the day last week, or of doing much of anything at all. Really, I've done the minimum needed to meet expectations lately with the exception of those days where I've been spanked solidly - which not surprisingly is a pretty thorough push towards being quite happy and content while I complete the tasks needing to be done.

I started wondering about this after Daddy had to be firm with me today about me getting started on chores, and I came up with more questions than answers...

Like so many people, the short days get to me and I've been known to have mood problems in the past. I don't feel that same old severe "blah" of late fall and early winter this year - but I sometimes feel the edges and spanking makes those edges disappear and motivates me to do what needs to be done - largely because I don't want to get punished severely and it doesn't take much of a spanking to remind me of just how badly I don't want to be punished for something... but on some level being spanked also makes me feel better.

What it is about being spanked that leads to me feeling better, I'm not exactly sure - but a good solid spanking can change a day that seems like it's going to be a hard one in to a productive day that sees me feeling content and well settled throughout it. I can't explain why - it just does. Even punishment spankings do - I don't like being punished, in fact I really hate punishment spankings. But there is something that changes for me on an internal level that leaves me feeling motivated and happy afterwards. Even when I'm being spanked so hard I just want to cry and am filled with remorse for what I've done and have no idea how I'm going to make it through the rest of the spanking, the end result once it's over is me feeling "normal" and more like myself. And I kind of understand that part - in some ways being spanked for punishment represents being cared about and believed in - it's recognition from Daddy that I'm better than how I've acted and that he expects me to live up to my potential and that he's willing to give me an uncomfortable experience if that's what it takes to remember...

So back to the little things... housework - well, maybe it's not just a little thing... maybe it's a sign of needing a real good kick in the pants to be reminded to not quit trying to do the little things - that the little things matter just as much as the big things. As Daddy has said, all big things are made up of little things.

It dawns on me, as I write this, that it must be really hard for Daddy and other Doms to figure out when a situation merits patience and when a situation merits a fast and harsh response. And I suspect there are some things that little girls like myself just need some time to figure out - that when given the chance, we don't have to be corrected in order to get back on the right track when it comes to everything.

And in a way, I feel like I see the right track with chores now. I feel like telling Daddy that I've figured it all out for myself and it'll all be ok now and that we really don't need to discuss it further. But the truth is, fixing my attitude going forward doesn't change the attitude that led to today's discussion... and whether it remains fixed for the rest of the week remains to be seen.

And I wonder... as I think about the housework issue, if it was truly housework that was the issue, or was it me just simply not wanting to get off my butt and get the things done that needed to be done. Was it me turning a little thing in to a bigger thing to get extra direction and motivation because I had a bit of the "blahs" going on? Did I subconsciously create a reason to be spanked knowing that if I was spanked I'd find the motivation to do what needed to be done?

Perhaps the little things aren't really things that are problems at all in the end - maybe the little things are just things that I've unconsciously used as a way to get myself spanked without getting a major punishment? Perhaps it's a sign that I need to be more self aware of when to ask to be spanked? Or perhaps it's something else completely different?

What I know beyond a doubt is that these little things are part of a big picture, I just don't see the big picture. I know being spanked fixes the little things, and when the little things are fixed my life is better. I just wish I could see the big picture. Is the big picture just needing the little things all connected? Is it me needing that reminder that everything matters? Or what is it? Is it just me needing to be strictly taken-in-hand over the little things and reminded that even little things can result in big punishments?

I'm really not sure. Sometimes I think the more I search for sense the less I see - and the more I see things that I should already see without being reminded. Maybe I'm just truly tired right now and struggling with little things that normally don't cause me trouble is just a sign of that.

Or maybe it's something else entirely that I haven't even thought of. I guess time will tell.

Thinking out loud

2010-11-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

Today has been an odd day for me. Odd in a sense of neediness and odd in a sense of how I feel.

I forgot my bedtime meds last night, which probably started things off.. I was so tired that I didn't notice missing them, but I slept pretty poorly and woke up very anxious. Part of that was likely due to missing a thyroid pill that has to be dosed regularly or else anxiety can happen, and part of it was likely due to my dentist appointment today.

And all that anxiety left me in a place of feeling like all I wanted to do was hand over every single little trace of control to Daddy and have nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, and nothing to do except obey. I've felt this to varying degrees before, but today was different. Maybe it was more intense? Perhaps my level of need was deeper? Perhaps everything going on just made me want to readily give every bit away. I would've been content to have every facet of my day planned out for me - and I would've obeyed - for the very simple reason that I needed to.

I find myself wondering as I think back through the day if there are different levels of submission. Perhaps different types of active submission? There are the daily rules and tasks that I follow, but today I would've done more than that. Today had I been given a specific task to do at a specific time, I would've done it. And if there was any hesitation on my part, I actually would've taken comfort in being punished for hesitation.

It sounds kind of odd to me trying to explain it, but I guess the bottom line is that I wanted to obey, and I needed to be directed on a minute level that is different than usual. And while I wanted to obey within that, strictness in discipline would've given me even greater security in the event that I failed on a task.

There are times where I just get weary of everything, and today was one of those days. As things stood today, there would've been no way for Daddy to supervise me to that small degree. But I wished for it today.

And on the up side? I told him I wished for it. I think I've actually gotten really good at telling him all the little things that pop in to my head and relate to him or have some degree of importance. And I feel good about that. It feels good to reach a point where telling Daddy a need or a question or a feeling I don't understand is the obvious best choice every single time and to have no self consciousness about whatever that question might be.

And it feels good to have a rock who anchors me when life gets rough and who shines a light to guide me back to shore when I'm lost at sea.

I'm a very loved and cared for little girl, and while today may have been one that was difficult to get through, I made it through not much the worse for wear. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing Daddy.

In training

2010-11-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

So a number of changes have been implemented in the last week, and I think all of them are for the good even if I don't quite yet know what some of it means...

I've mentioned before that Daddy and I have week-in-review day on Sunday. Basically anything that wasn't able to be dealt with immediately gets dealt with on Sunday, and anything else that is important is brought up, and then I'm assigned a spanking. The type of spanking varies depending on what my week was like, and depending on what Daddy feels I need... And this works well for us - I get a great deal of reassurance out of maintenance spankings, and they seem to work to settle me for the week ahead.

So after us having had some discussions, Daddy decided to assign daily maintenance M-F during our week-in-review last week. These are minor spankings - just enough to get me moving when I need that extra motivation, and just enough to remind me that I am being held tight and won't be allowed to slip. I had known that it might be coming, but was surprised that there was an additional assignment to go along with it- something Daddy has referred to as training.

My training tasks take 10 minutes and are done after morning maintenance when possible. They're simple, but they focus me on my submission. I'm actually finding them to be a good experience, and despite how much I like to try and prepare for what's to come, I haven't found myself worrying about what the next step is going to be or when it will happen.

It's interesting in a way - knowing that I'm on a road with a goal in mind, but not knowing what exactly the hoped-for end result is. But I've had no difficulty in submitting to the training and have found myself learning just about myself. Listening to my thoughts and feelings, and just experiencing some of the different things that go on in my head when I'm feeling submissive. You might almost say that I'm observing how I feel submissive - what makes me feel submissive, why submission feels natural to me, and even what I need and thrive on as a submissive. And while I don't have any big "ah-ha" moments to report yet, I feel pretty sure that when Daddy has finished leading me to the end point, it's going to be something pretty monumental.

There's something about knowing that if I obey Daddy everything will work out ok in the end that makes me feel so very secure. And I'm feeling very secure and happy tonight.

I'm still here

2010-11-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

I know that I haven't posted much lately - in fact nothing since my pitiful post last Friday, but I'm still alive and doing much better around here. Life has been busy, and I've been kind of wrapped up in little silly things going on around me - and facebook games. Silly, I know, but I've got a couple games that have really sucked me in and I find myself coming back to them when I need a break. I've also had appointments and just general lack of "quiet" time where I can sit and concentrate and just write - I need to be able to have my thoughts to myself to write a coherent blog and I just haven't had much of that lately... seems like there's either noise or interruptions of one sort or another.

Anyways, I'm not going to do a bunch of complaining. Life is busy and that's just the way things go sometimes. Tis the season where things just get busier, and in a way I find myself looking forward to January when things will calm down and I'll be working less hours and we'll be closer to spring. I am yet another person who doesn't enjoy the short days of winter, and I find myself looking forward to December 21st every fall just so that I can then watch the days get longer again.

There have been lots of things going on this week that I'm wanting to write about, so I'm hoping to get some time to do it tomorrow. Daddy has implemented a few things this week that are quite different for me, but seem to be for the better and I'm staying more settled overall I think. The week definitely hasn't been intense the way last week was anyways.

So here's to hoping that I find time tomorrow. Writing is good for me so I really can't let it fall to the back-burner. :)